Beauty Eyes in the Lie of the Beholder

October 16, 1975

10.16.75

To whom this may concern: Glenn Emery has been working as a full-time volunteer for the Creative Community Project. In return we have provided room and board. He has really proved valuable in our work, and we certainly look forward to continuing our relationship. If there are any questions, please call 567-7491.

Thank you so deeply.

Sincerely,
David C. Stoller Director, CCP

Although today was not as productive and inspiring as yesterday, enough did happen to warrant recording in this journal.

At breakfast, David had me repeat the story of my "leap of faith" into the second-floor window to sell roses. It made him really excited and happy and he told everyone that my example was the kind of bold action HF can work through. I had never been praised like that in front of brothers and sisters and it made me feel good, but it also made me want to try hard to remain humble so Satan wouldn't claim this victory.

David said that even though I got kicked out and didn't have a high result myself, I paid indemnity for the entire team to make its goal because HF could claim my sacrifice as indemnity to bless the team with victory. He said HF often used one member of a flower-selling or witnessing team to pay indemnity for everyone else to get a good result for heaven, so even when we feel Satan attacking us and making us negative and wanting to quit because we're not getting any result, God can claim the sacrifice to achieve the greater good, as long as we don't complain or space out or quit.

His words made all of my past weeks of struggling feel like they were worthwhile, that maybe I had helped other people come to Family, even though I hadn't brought anyone myself.

One of the first people I talked to today was the assistant manager of the Eureka Hotel, where Paula Soto lives. She is 42 and was in the Family for a year and a half about four years ago. I had lunch with Erin and Linda in Civic Center Park, and Charlie was also there. He used to live at Washington Street back when I first came to dinner. He has since moved out. The shoes that I found when I first came to this house and have been wearing as my own turned out to be his.

I never was aware of the bomb-out rate before, but almost all of the new brothers have left: Bill Altman, Newton, Bill Seibert. Even Dennis has been having a tough fight-it-out lately. It makes me wonder how much Principle they really heard or understood. Who wouldn't want to follow the messiah if they had the chance? It makes me feel like I am really special and that people like James are really special. He shared with me last night all of the details of his coming to the Family. Strong, righteous people are difficult to come by.

I think an article on Father came out in People magazine today. It was Mike Embry who pointed it out to me. I had a feeling this morning that I would see him today, and sure enough I did. He figured out what we were all about, which really surprised me. I didn't think he had enough information. But he knows.

The article itself was negative, of course, but I spoke to David about it and he said that the folks from People were actually invited and were love-bombed, so even though the article was somewhat negative, the negativity was really very shallow.

I also learned today that Father had been married once before, but that his first wife did not really understand his mission and finally rejected him, forcing him to remarry. But later she realized the truth about him and now acts as his servant.

Holly came by again tonight, but I didn't spend too much time with her because James and I went to tow Beverly's Mercedes over to the house. It was an ideal opportunity to be perfect subject/object.

I read today a passage of "Master Speaks" where he said that he won't reveal all of the details of his life because it would stop our hearts with shock. 

Poke in the Third Eye

1975.10.17

Tremendous day! Went flower selling for a change and exceeded my goal of $50. It was really great to sell flowers again. In fact, I am waiting to go out on a weekend flower trip to Reno as I write this.

I received my black leather jacket with the Grateful Dead patch from Gayle yesterday. This morning I gave the patch to David as a gift to heaven, and that's when I found out he had been in a band for four years back in Philadelphia and had almost played with the Dead once. He told me they had backed up some pretty hot bands. I still have to holy salt the jacket and some other clothes.

I mentioned to James last night that I was hoping we would have a chance to be together flower-selling or witnessing soon, so it was providential that we did both today. Actually, his standard is so high that I am finding it difficult right now to make oneness with my own spiritual parent, whose physical birthday is the same as my spiritual birthday. But I know that that is just part of growing and that someday we will make complete oneness.

Also last night I got into crossing the eyes like Don Juan taught Carlos and it was really strange the way it worked. Tonight I looked in the mirror and actually saw my third eye this way. At least Steven, my guest tonight, said that that was how one saw it.

Steven and Jan I witnessed to yesterday, but they didn't come over until tonight. It turned out Steven was in the Unification Church for five months before he left. This really interested me, how someone could be in the church that long and then leave. I wanted to talk to him someplace where we could be alone, so I took him downstairs to the flower room. No one was down there.

Steven said he knew it was the truth, he just couldn't live this way. He is so beautiful and mellow that I really had to listen hard, yet he spoke not ill words against Father and claimed the Principle is the truth. Yet he saw hypocrisy in some members of the church. I guess there really are a lot of Family members who don't understand Principle in depth, which is unfortunate and could even be dangerous. But talking to him and looking back over the week of meeting people who had been in the church, I felt that this was all a test of my faith.

Until recently I had taken it for granted. I had heard the truth in my first week at Boonville and I naturally assumed that it was the same experience for most everyone. But only recently have I become aware of the tremendous bomb-out rate in the Family, and it always seems to come down to no one really cares enough to really want to work hard for the messiah. It is easy enough to doubt if you want, but believing -- that is the really hard part. Not believing on an intellectual level, but on really deep heartistic level that comes from actualizing.

I see fewer and fewer really righteous people around me, but this only inspires me to be stronger and more righteous for heaven. TOUGH! I am really beginning to believe that I am destined for some great mission, and I believe that James is also destined for an even greater mission. But right now I can't even guess what our futures really hold for us.

Wednesday night David shared that during World War Two, when the Japanese invaded Pearl Harbor, they were given enough fuel to get to Pearl Harbor and half-way back. They were expected to rise to the challenge. I think Heavenly Father has some serious challenges in store. 

St. Steven

1975.10.19

Just got back from the weekend flower trip, which went really well. I don't feel as exhausted as I have in the past.

We went to Santa Cruz instead of Reno by divine inspiration. When we got there there was a parade in progress, so Diane and I sold to the crowd. The entire team consisted of myself, Diane, James, Barbara, Rich, Peter and Walter, and we were headed up by Mitch, who was really guided by HF all weekend. This parade only happens once a year, and since nothing happens by chance or accident, I knew that this parade was a big part of the heavenly inspiration that sent us there.

I was talking to one lady about buying flowers, but when she said no, her little girl said yes. Children are just so pure. A little later, I was standing at the corner of Front and Laurel and it was just about time for Mitch to come when some black guy just stopped his car and bought a half-dozen. On another run I sold a rose to a lady and in her car was a little girl, and when the girl got out to get the rose I was amazed at how much she looked like Gretchen. She said to me, "You're pretty." I just couldn't get over it.

Later that same run Rich told me about an experience he had in a hardware store where the guy knew about and supported Reverend Moon and said so openly. After he bought some roses, every other person in the place came and bought out all of Rich's bombed-out roses. The power of the word. Really!

I had some really good bar runs and ended the day with $96.11. We drove up into the Santa Cruz Mountains in the state park and slept out in the redwood forest. When we got up this morning, I just couldn't get over the sheer beauty of the place. Nature is just so right on. It's like I had never seen it before, even though I had been in very similar places before, like Big Sur and Oregon. This time was different, however.

I was not really inspired to sell flowers. I really wanted to space out. I was questioning in my mind whether paying indemnity was really necessary or whether we could go straight to the source. Even though I knew the answer, I had doubts that I would by strong enough. I had even begun praying about it the night before, and almost from the time we got up the answer began to come.

Mitch, first of all, talked a little about how he had trouble when he first came to the Family, and I know that everyone fights it out, but meeting people like Steven, who are such open and loving people yet chose to live their own lives outside the Family, really makes me think. But then I have to go beyond myself and remember that to quit now or anytime would be pointless and selfish and that HF really needs people who can be strong. It's not like it's going to be forever, but the harder we work now the better it will be for us when the heavenly kingdom is here.

Actually, I came to realize over this weekend that the heavenly kingdom is really a state of heart and that externally things may not look so different. On the other hand, who am I to say that things won't look different?

I really enjoyed taking it easy today, waiting for HF to sort of prove himself to me. It came to light on the very last bar of my very last run at a place called Wimbledon in Sausalito. Straight away I got sent out, but first I sold four roses to one of the bouncers, a guy named Jeffrey. I knew I had to get upstairs to the bar somehow.

As I walked outside, Rich showed up from Zack's next door. He hid his bundle under his coat and got in. I went around back and went up the rear steps, but the door was locked. So I crawled through a window into this really crowded room. Jeffrey was right there. It was like he was waiting for me. He threatened to have me arrested for breaking and entering.

But HF was with me and I stayed centered and calm and was able to convince him of my sincerity, and simultaneously sell a half-dozen to the cook. Rich was still upstairs selling flowers. I also sold a few more in the parking lot before Mitch came by and took us into Mill Valley for ice cream at Old Uncle Gaylord's.

I remember something that Steven said when I told him how much I wanted to meet Onni. He said greet each brother and sister with that same desire and when I did finally meet her, I would be prepared.

(Total for weekend: $125.51) 

Dropping Like Flies

1975.10.21

Real spiritual battles going on. We have lost so many of the new brothers. I guess they were not strong enough spiritually to withstand the onslaughts.

I really felt like I was being attacked yesterday. I was really tired from the weekend trip and pretty spaced. We sold flowers downtown in the financial district. I finally got to bed for a couple hours during dinner, but James got me up to be with the guests. Jackie finally sent me back to bed.

I had a dream of being on the second floor of a house with no walls, just the frame. I was standing next to a dresser that was facing outward. There was a person below who made an obscene gesture, but it really didn't affect me. I woke up in this morning feeling well rested.

We had Bible reading this morning from Hebrews 12, which really put in focus for me my weekend with James and our responsibility to each other in general. So on the way over to Hearst Street, I told him that I really wanted him to be tough with me so that my spirit would be tempered in righteousness. Oppa gave a beautiful lecture on the theory of art. I couldn't help but think of Reid, who was at home in bed with intestinal flu.

Tonight David said that when we don't feel inspired, it's because we're ready for the next step up. I guess that was true with me yesterday because today I began giving lecture at the Civic Center. The first was to about five guests and the second was to an English class of about fifteen. Then we went flower selling in the afternoon down in the industrial section.

My first run must have been indemnity, for I only made $1. But my second run was $20. I sort of lost all my roses to some black dude for $3, which was about three dozen roses. Not too good.

Went on a bar run tonight with Jackie as my partner. She sold $14 and I sold $7 and then we came home and had a family meeting, which included all of the actualizers from Boonville. The spirit was so good and high. Everyone felt it. But David said the moment we start to feel comfortable, we lose it. We must never take it for granted, but always want it. 

Monsai!

1975.10.22

We witnessed today until 1 o'clock. We are trying out a new system with two flower teams -- one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Sold down in the financial district again. This time I was with Sarah.

We went into the first building and took the elevator to the top floor so we could work our way down before getting kicked out. But the security guard came right up after me and escorted me out. When Sarah saw that she thought I had been arrested and called home and set them all in a panic.

Meanwhile, I was getting thrown out of every building I went into. I never sold a thing.

My second run I went up to the tenth floor of the Robert Dollar Building and spoke to the building manager. HF was with me because he gave me free rein to go anywhere in the building, and I did unload a few flowers there.

We went out on bar runs tonight. The first I was centered by Dave Burroughs and my partner was Beverly. We sold down Van Ness and it was absolutely HK. The second run I was centered by Tom Sanders and my partner was Phil. We sold down on Broadway and we did surprisingly well. The entire team made about $70 on each run.

Lew Perlman has moved back into the Family since I ran into him in a bar while on a bar run a couple weeks ago with Robert, who bombed-out of the Family soon after.

Poppy is sick and I have a cold and spiritual wars are still being battled.

Monsai! 

Big Jim Does the Splits

1975.10.23

Some of my best days have been days when I totally doubted my own capabilities but totally believed in God's. Today was such a day, for I woke up feeling very achy with my cold and really felt like going back to bed. But I know that it certainly wouldn't be "whole purpose" to stay in bed, so I sort of meditated about it when I woke up and all I could visualize was selling flowers. So I knew that that was what I was to do.

Next, I thought I would go back to bed until noon or so and go flower-selling in the afternoon, but that didn't really seem whole purpose even though I tried to justify it by telling myself that my body needed the rest. Anyway, I said a little prayer about what I should do, and sure enough, during David's prayer at Bible reading he said, "... and please help us overcome our sicknesses and illnesses so that we can serve You." I knew that that was meant for me as much as I didn't want to hear it.

After breakfast I did up some Actifed and vitamin C and tea and orange juice and determined that I was going to fight it out. I felt better right away.

Poppy gave us a reading by Father called "Challenge and Victory" from New Hope, and almost all of the older brothers and sisters had a hard time staying awake.

David also announced that Father was coming next week. It's impossible to describe how I felt. It was like I couldn't believe what my ears had just heard. Still I try not to get my hopes up because there are too many things that could happen to change those plans, like the visits from Onni which never happen, at least not when I'm around.

But I was inspired, to say the least, and got paired up with Peter to witness. This morning James game me some practical advice to improve our witnessing. He said the first thing we should do is make a schedule of where we were going and when we would be there and then pray for HF to bring prepared people to those places. James says whenever he does this, he knows that wherever he goes, HF has brought at least one prepared person to that spot for him to witness to. He just has to talk to them and they will respond, if he is centered.

We actualized this advice and it seemed to work. First we went to Foster's coffee shop to write up a schedule for the morning. When we walked in there was a big sign that said grand opening, so Peter and I were inspired to use that as an invitation to dinner -- a grand opening of the heart. Next we looked around for the person that HF had sent there for us to meet, and we saw three likely candidates.

The closest one was reading a newspaper and my eye caught one of the headlines, which was that Arnold Toynbee had died, and remembering Dr. D's reference to him in his lecture, we figured this was the guy. He turned out to be a very high standard lawyer who works on Union Street, a few blocks from the house. He was somewhat interested.

After he left another gentleman took his place, who was equally high standard and was also interested in education. He was also very open.

Then Peter and I ran down to the bank, and while Peter was cashing his traveler's check, I witnessed to a guy named Barry Blander, who was a filmmaker from Boston. Next we went over to the new California College of Law and witnessed to the dean of admissions, Gail Gifford. She was just interesting.

At lunch time I managed to round up a pretty good guy named Bill. I went flower selling after lunch and did two runs, $24 and $34, respectively. The very last sale of the day was also the most spiritual. It was 5 o'clock, so I sat down on some steps on Bryant Street to wait for Mitch. I realized that I really had a few free minutes to myself, so I thought the time could be best used if I prayed. So I prayed for HF to send someone to buy all my roses.

A few minutes later, an old man walked by, but he wasn't interested. After that, a younger man approached me from the opposite direction, so I started praying and chanting for him to be the one. But he too went right on by. Suddenly the old man was there again in his car and he said he had changed his mind, but he only wanted $2 worth of roses. I told him he could have a whole bunch for $5, but he said he didn't want to spend $5 -- but as I began to count out a half dozen, he said he'd take the bunch for $5.

I was so happy. I knew it had been because of the prayer.

Straight away after that I spotted Sarah across the street and we got together and then Mitch showed up. We drove around for a long time, looking for Peter, and sang a lot of songs. Finally we went home without Peter. When we got to the house I found out that I had two guests, Bill and Barry. Bill and his roommate left early, but Barry stayed and at refreshment time he asked me if we were the Unification Church, and of course I had to say yes. We discussed that for a little while.

Fortunately he wasn't negative about it. He was into TM under Mahareshi Mahesh Yogi, so he doesn't feel he is ready for a trip to Boonville yet and instead is going to LA.

Found out tonight as I was writing this that Big Jim has moved out of the Family. I couldn't help but overhear Grace and Richard talk about it behind me in David's office, and I was so surprised I couldn't help but turn around, and though it's not whole purpose to discuss these kinds of things, I really wanted to know, because I was with Big Jim my first two weeks on the land, so I feel very close to him spiritually.

Talking to David just now I have found out that Big Jim is Onni's spiritual child and that he has moved out about ten times since he's been in the Family. David said he has personally gone to get him three or four times and that it's a shame because Big Jim has a lot of indemnity to pay each time, but that he will be back.

Richard said earlier that the fight-it-outs become different after one has been in the Family a long time. We shall see. 

Duke the Kook

1975.10.25

We went to Twin Peaks for breakfast this morning. It was clear and beautiful. Afterward we went downtown to the Civic Center. Peter and I paired up again and went flower selling in the immediate area until noon, when we met at the Civic Center for lunch. Peter and I then went witnessing together at Powell and Market.

We were to meet Poppy at the library steps at 4 o'clock. Sometime around 3:30 I was witnessing to a really good guy named Gary, who is into psychic healing. At that time a friend of Peter's from Detroit showed up, so he and Peter got into talking and we were late in getting to the library. Poppy wasn't there, nor was anyone else. We waited a few minutes and decided we were too late. Peter said goodbye to his friend and we headed toward Powell and Market. I said that I had to repent for being so late, since Poppy had made such a point of us meeting her.

Just then Grace's Falcon, driven by Dave Burroughs, showed up and we headed out to Third Street for a bar run. There was a guest, Duke, in the car.

My first run was in the Long Island Bar, where I sold some and then the bartender took a few but didn't pay for them. Instead he asked me for my license. He put the flowers in a glass and walked away. So I grabbed my flowers back, rescued them that is, and made tracks out of there. Did some more bar runs downtown and then went home to our big "spaghetti smash."

Holly came back for the weekend, so I took her as my responsibility, but Sarah and Teresa have more or less taken over. We are in Poppy's group, the first time since I came back from Big Sur after my first weekend back in August. Seems like a lifetime. Big Jim was her assistant that weekend, and Peter and Reid were also in the group. Peter and I were talking recently that it seemed rather significant that all of us were together with Poppy then. I remember being really love-bombed that weekend.

Reid was supposed to be in our group this weekend. His parents were supposed to come too and they didn't make it, so he is in "advanced" instead.

I have been love-bombed a lot lately it seems. It rained all day yesterday, but we played dodge ball anyway and even square danced in the Chicken Palace. Afterward I kept thinking, if people really knew what we were doing here, they would beg to stay. But of course we can't tell them, so they can make a free choice based on faith.

Our group meeting last night was unified suddenly. All the guests were positive. Ron, who had been having lunch with us at the Civic Center for the last two weeks and was really into Timothy Leary, was "overwhelmed." Unfortunately, he got negative today and left. Duke had a dream Friday night that he was skateboarding down a dirt hill, turned to the left and then he was in a bar, laughing and drinking. Then he woke up.

Noah's climax lecture on Sunday about the second coming was even more powerful than usual and the whole Chicken Palace got swept up in it, especially Duke. Right at the peak moment of the lecture, when everyone was just spellbound by the amazing things Noah had just said, Duke suddenly stood up on his stair and yelled, "Three cheers for Noah! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip hooray!"

Everybody was just flabbergasted. No one joined in because it was not a cool thing to do. Duke was obviously trying to make himself the center of attention by being the leader of a group cheer. It sort of ruined the experience. His arrogance was really embarrassing.

But Duke wasn't done trying to take over. Afterward in our group meeting he kept trying to be the center of attention, make everyone look to him as the leader by espousing biblical quotes, which he claimed to understand. Even Poppy had difficulty trying to explain anything to him. 

Onni Warms Up the Crowd

1975.10.28

Today was one of my most faithless days, I am very sorry to say. It was my own fault because yesterday was a pretty good day and there was a good foundation for today.

Yesterday I sold flowers in the morning and witnessed with Richard in Union Square and later at Powell and Market. But I really felt repentful because I hadn't brought anyone home, so I prayed when I came home, ate a light dinner, and later became Mitch's object as we ran some special errands.

We went first to The Gardens, which is where Onni and Dr. Durst live, but they weren't home, even though Jennifer, with her broken foot, and Elizabeth, her sister, and Juliette, Mitch's spiritual mother, were there. The spirits around that house were just incredible. Then we took a chair over to Hearst Street, but we ended up staying quite a while. Finally we left with Jackie, Sarah and a new sister, Linda.

Mitch shared a little with me about Ted Patrick, who is outwardly against the church and Reverend Moon and actually kidnaps Family members and deprograms them. But fortunately, some of them make it back. I had been totally unaware of him until Richard had mentioned him that afternoon.

I stayed up pretty late studying and talking with David and Mitch, and when I got up this morning I felt sick. I started a fast last night, but unwittingly I drank a cup of tea and ate a cookie which Mitch had brought to me, which consequently blew the whole gig. I finally threw up and felt much better, but I was still ignorant that I had violated my fast.

As the morning wore on I became more and more spaced out. By noon I could hardly stay awake. Poppy sent me to the library to repent and rest, but I fell asleep. Peter and Alex woke me up, so I went outside and lay on the grass and was instantly in spirit world. I woke up around 4:30, walked down to Powell and Market, and came home with Jackie, Bob, Dave and a guest, Rick.

Both David and Poppy said that violating a fast was about the worst thing you could do. It showed such insincerity. So now I must fast for three more days to pay the indemnity and hopefully turn this fiasco into a victory for heaven. Monsai!

Had a really good bar run tonight. Made about $20 in about 40 minutes, then went over to Berkeley where we had a family meeting. It was the first time I had met Onni. She spoke simply but so beautifully, with such conviction and such power. She welcomed us into the Family, and I really felt like she and Dr. Durst were our true parents. Fortune cookies were passed around. Mine were: "You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly"; "Your long forgotten kindness to someone will bring a substantial sum of money."

Tomorrow we will meet Father. I can hardly grasp the reality of meeting the messiah. Never in my life would I ever have dreamed of such a thing.