All Dressed Up, Nowhere to Go

1975.10.29

We are waiting tonight to go to Berkeley to meet Father and Mother, our True Parents. What a historical moment. Beyond a shadow of a doubt it will be the most important moment of my life to date. We had gotten so far as to get into the van, but were called back inside at the last minute. Somehow that did not surprise me.

Since then we have been in our trinities, sharing our days, singing songs, praying, reading. It is like a holiday, Christmas or something. Everyone is decked out in their very best, spit and polished. It's not every day that you get to meet the messiah.

At 7 o'clock David finally made the announcement that our True Parents had arrived at the airport. David said he had a real sense of Christ on Earth. I can scarcely imagine what it will be like. I am troubled now with my own arrogance, afraid that I will not be humble enough to hear everything that Father says. All day today as I was selling flowers, I was trying to understand what True Parents really means, how infinite God could be embodied in an finite man, or really in a finite man and woman.

But tonight I began to see a little bit. I could really feel the uniqueness of each brother and sister. Everyone is so on center that their true nature is really showing. Unfortunately, my own arrogance made me feel jealous at seeing everyone on center, so I am fighting it out.

Now I feel much better toward everyone. I know that I am growing so much these days that these negative feelings are growing pains and for that I am grateful. I did not fast today after all. David decided that I had not really sinned and that it would be best not to fast. He said when Father eats, you want to eat too. However, I have not been that hungry today. We got up late this morning, so everyone got plenty of sleep and woke up bright and shiny.

We spent most of the morning cleaning. About 11 o'clock Mitch told me that I was going to be his object today on the flower team. I know that before long I will have my own flower team.

Right now we have some study time because it is not sure whether or not we will go to Berkeley tonight. Father spoke for five-and-a-half hours in LA today and he is a bit tired. But we will see him tomorrow for sure. I can feel the presence of my ancestors and have been thinking of my physical family quite a bit lately. I really can see how I am in a position of great responsibility to my whole lineage. It reminds me of how I was really interested in genealogy a few years ago.

We did not go over to Berkeley tonight and I stayed up praying to Jesus for a couple hours. It seemed I was having what seemed to be something of a breakthrough. I was having an image of the inside of a narrow church and as if with a chisel, layers were being taken away until there was a hole in roof where I could see it was very bright. Then there I was, focusing on this hole, when Bob Blew shook me to see if I was awake. I tried to keep praying, but my concentration had been disrupted, and it was difficult to get going again, since it had taken so much effort to get there in the first place. So I finally went to sleep, but I did not dream. 

Wait For It...

1975.10.30

Well, this time we got all the way over to Berkeley and were even in the living room all gathered together, about 300 of us, and David even announced that Father would be there in five minutes. About fifteen minutes later, Noah announced that Father wasn't coming until 5:30 tonight. Somehow it was to be expected. I don't really mind. It will give me a chance to actualize and really try to open my heart.

I found I am still so terribly arrogant. In my prayer last night I was headed toward spacing out on the vision so HF sent Bob Blew to break it up, I think. I guess I should really be much more concerned with the here and now.

David handed out pictures this morning, one to each person, of True Parents. I got a really tremendous feeling when I first looked at this picture because I knew that HF picked it just for me. Thank you, HF. 

I Thought He'd be Taller

1975.10.30 (cont.)

Father is here. He is speaking in Korean. A translator tells us in English what he is saying.

Unified Soldiers

Traditional Christians have a supernatural concept of Jesus: Jesus does not need a toilet, that the sacred man does not need these humanly things. Tonight we will learn the meaning of sacredness.

Thought. The ideal in the brain. Holy thought makes holy person. All can become holy, can become sons and daughters of God. UC members must be determined to think, live and act great and holy. Ask questions. Can answer all questions. This world is our stage where we have to engage our lives. Many people wonder where present times will be in the future. Some will say we are a great, prosperous nation and we will continue to be.

Where did Reverend Moon's thought come from? Everyone draws their own conclusion. Father knows destiny of UC. No one wants to willingly decline. Nobody can be sure of anything.

Individual --> Family --> Society --> Nation --> World --> Cosmos

Even Nobel Prize winner would not say, yes, God alone can have that absolute conviction. Human beings cannot have this confidence. By becoming one with God, we can have this absolute power and conviction. It is impossible to bring God to our level. How can we become invincible person in God? God must have subject role. Even when Reverend Moon looks like a loser, if it is the will of God, he will be a glorious victor.

God's Will and Responsibility

What is will of God? UC knows will of God. Our answer must be parallel with understanding of God. Will of God is realization of idealization of creation. Our ambitions must be to realize our ideals. We do not have ideal world in religious terms. We call this the Fall of Man. Divine Principle lets us see separation of ideal and deviated world. Ideal is one concept, one glory. Can only have one master. Time for harmony. Whites cannot do it. Blacks cannot do it. Reverend Moon must unify everyone. Would be better if Reverend Moon was a white man. Whites and blacks must marry. Only Reverend Moon can bring them together willingly. Some whites are so frantic that they wish Father harm. Unity should not be by force, but by desire to please God. Already Reverend Moon has set record as matchmaker. If two enemies can be brought together, anything can be done. Know the truth and the truth will make you free.

We are crazy minority now, but someday we will be over 50% of population and we will be normal.

Fulfillment of Will of God

Restoration brings fallen nature back to original nature. Ultimate will of God is restoration of world. True religion is being used as tool by God to bring man back to original nature. True religion must be working on worldwide level. Government must come under church. There should be no separation of church and state. These are things were are going to deal with and solve. People of U.S. should follow will of God. America should sacrifice itself to save the rest of the world. The more one man standing up for the will of God is attacked, the greater the blessing. A righteous stand fears no opposition. All we have to do is take the righteous stand of God. One righteous man is more valuable and precious in the sight of God than billions of unrighteous people. Must have great pride in value. Not even God can extinguish the fire. The way of true religion is to liberate God. Will of God has been fulfilled.

America is responsible for division of Germany and Korea. Lost body is Asia. Messiah will come from spiritual, mystic Orient, not from naturalistic West. Israel, Rome, Britain -- all failed mission. Now rests on America. First must indemnify for Britain, Italy and Israel. Korea is the final nation where Lord of the Second Advent will appear. Japan is in equivalent position of British Empire, was powerful enough to take Korea, but United States destroyed Japan, and Korea was freed. But now America is responsible for protecting Asia. Korea is in position of Roman Empire, new age papacy with both spiritual and material aspect of church. America has lost seven sovereign nations to Communism as it sleeps.

Korean affairs are world affairs.

Germany -- east and west, horizontal.

Korea -- north and south, vertical.

Asia is like body of Christ taken by Satan, except one little piece: Korea. If America put its primary emphasis on Korea, then Japan, Korea and all of Asia would survive. Kim Il Sung is physical Satan in North Korea. First of all, America must not go against UC. We will compete to love our enemy the most. 

The Second Coming

1975.10.31

How can I possibly describe seeing the messiah? He was without a doubt the most powerful and dynamic person I have ever met. He spoke for five-and-a-half hours, but he said so much, so forcefully, it was difficult to keep up with him. He was absolutely wild. When he first spoke, he talked about the humanness and naturalness of the messiah, that he was a man who understood God's will. Then he moved into what is God's will, and finally our responsibility in fulfilling God's dispensation. Everyone was so blown away by his presence. When he looked at me, or in my direction, I felt as though he was looking right through me. I became so keenly aware that he was a man who fully embodies the word of God. Just being in his very presence can change or affect a person, I am sure.

We are on our way over to see him again this morning at 6:30, so we had to get up quite early.

Christ is here.

The purpose of religion is to return to God. Until this time, the purpose of religion was not clear. This is a great discovery by the UC, that restoration is divine providence. What kind of methodology do we use? When the fall took place, it affected individual, family, society, nation and world. The simple act of fall of Adam and Eve caused the fall of the family, society, nation and world. Restoration must come through all levels. When you think of yourself, you are not alone. When you plan to return to the original state, all other levels become your enemy until they are restored. You have to get through that barrier. Where do we meet HF? When we get through these barriers we meet God. All religions talk of Last Days. What are the Last Days? It means center on religion, get through these barriers, and finally meet God. To God-centered people this is a great day of hope. To satanic people, it's great despair and will be destroyed. God must prepare all levels to meet Him. Because of barriers, good religion says forget yourself. Because of Fall of Man, Satan controls all things. God cannot have a relationship with us, even though we are returning. To return to God we must do everything: More emphasis on purity of individual life, no attachment to things of this world, must be with word of God, must center on word of God. True religion means total rejection of the world. If we don't, Satan follows us everywhere. Even the talk of this truth is talked about in secular world.

After a divorce, the wife does not think about her old husband. The new husband finds a handkerchief given by the old husband and it hurts his heart. Same with HF. Total rejection, total denial of this life of Satan, not of God. Because of Satan we must pass through test to reach God. By total denial we can dash through to cosmic level. God will recreate you because of total rejection, like a potter reworking his clay. We look ugly in front of God if we don't reject ourselves, self-denial, sacrifice. Humble yourself. Now we know why past religions have always taught these things. We feel we are losing everything. Don't worry. By the degree we give up ourselves, we will receive the same amount from God. The degree of sacrifice produces the same degree of blessing from heaven. All history can be analyzed with this formula: Bad man hits; good man receives blessing three times, sometimes seven times, from heaven. Why? Creation of all universe based on goodness. In order to be restored, must take three stages of growth: formation, growth, perfection. To restore order, persecution in formation affects growth and perfection stages. Satan has no control over three stages. When bad hits good, three stages are automatically involved, sometimes seven because God created universe in seven days.

Heavenly business is recompensation. Multiply goodness because bad is wrong. Even an evil person has a conscience and would join in supporting a good person who is being wronged by a bad man. Jesus lived this standard three times. Roman Empire paid for piercing Jesus on the cross. If good resists attack three times, good returns. One blow is no good, but can claim victory and compensation by blessing enemies. We did not know all this until now. If Christians had known this, we wouldn't need the UC to teach Principle, which is road of UC. What is most fearful, dreadful thing we find in UC? UC members fear rejection or attack. Persecution brings blessings. Thank God, praise God. Strange people but wonderful. We welcome this.

Reverend Moon is not inventing this Principle but is simply speaking truth. Must be willing to face torture. When we are working and are rejected, we can claim blessing when officially rejected. If we strike back, then we are individual and cannot claim. If we accept, then we are official, then we can claim. Love your enemy. Save the satanic person. Salvation. If we receive persecution willingly, we can give mercy to persecutor. Then that person can be saved. If person knows this, rejection can be a blessing as well as acceptance from God's viewpoint. We must be official person on cosmic level. Must go through more suffering and persecution, satanic attacks on individual level. Within very short time we get flattened spiritually like a piece of paper. If we practice this way, we pay indemnity for all mankind. Salvation is restoration through indemnity condition.

What is law of indemnity? We must receive suffering, persecution, rejection on official level, official business, not on individual level. Who sets up indemnity condition? God and Satan. We cannot set it up. If we succeed we belong to God, if we don't we belong to Satan. Recreation through indemnity. Satan does not exist in recreation. Even Satan must cooperate when we reach this stage, when we claim this status. Indemnity condition paid this way, if we take individual status, we belong to Satan because fall took place on individual, ego-centered level. This does not exist on official public level. Public means behavior is Principlistic. If we go our own way, Satan claims us. If we claim our eyes for God, then we see God's beauty and get angry when we see evil and want to change it. Indignant. Same thing applies to whole body because we are descendants of evil ancestors. We want to die. But we have this body, so we must claim our own body for God.

When we are attracted to another for ourselves, we poison that person. We are individual and claimed by Satan. When we judge with this yardstick, all churches are individual, claim to be the only one. But we cannot say that on individual level, only on official level. With this standard we can judge where we are. We know in our conscience how much of us belongs to God and how much belongs to Satan. Truth is simple. If we don't believe it, we can choke Reverend Moon and find out if it is true.

Only God or True Parents can show indemnity road we must travel. What kind of level? Individual, family, society, nation or world? World-wide level. Three-nation attack, seven-nation attack, we must stand and we will be victorious. If we live on world level, very difficult. Even if we are tortured, we must not think of revenge or be indignant, but must be a humble sacrifice. Indemnity must be paid by people. Person who travels indemnity road must not complain. We make ourselves love the people we don't like. We must make bad person good. No room for complaints in official status. When we are persecuted, we praise God. This kind of person belongs to HK.

Indemnity can be set up on unusual situation, abnormal circumstances when on official status. Most systematic battle between God and Satan. If we get signature of Satan on public level, we get signature of God. Satan attacks and tests you on all levels. If we pass them, Satan approves signature. To reach God, we must accept attack by Satan until Satan no longer exists. We must make our opponents surrender to us by serving them. If we accept attack three times, then attackers will change their thinking.

To verify this truth, look at past history. As we know, Abel was in official status and murdered by Cain. Noah built ark on mountain as abnormal condition to pay more indemnity for Abel's murder. Noah did not understand, but he obeyed. Noah and family received great amount of persecution. Opposition came from family and outside. All kinds of accusations. Naturally, we would oppose. But HF did good job picking Noah to be faithful. We must do whatever God asks, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to our concept.

Satan hates True Parents and us because we know the truth and will destroy the satanic kingdom. Less sleep, more persecution, not eat. If we know and practice the law of indemnity, peace will come. Must be humble. Even if you live in a mansion, you must serve he who lives in a poor shack so that Satan cannot accuse.

All past history can be chronologically classified by this law. Even in marriage there is individual and official or public marriage. What is ideal husband and wife? Not based on beauty but based on public good or God. Black and white marry on official status. This is more public, super race.

Late president of UC was a cripple. Father told him he must lecture three times a day at least 18 hours. Father did not tell him law of indemnity. In a few months he was almost totally exhausted. Father was harsh and pushed him hard. "You are not dead yet." Father wanted this man to be foundation of DP lecture. All these things Father has done for sake of God. We suffer such little indemnity compared to Father. We are on the foundation and condition True Parents have made. UC is enough to pay indemnity for all mankind in seven years. Jesus Christ spiritually fulfilled in three years. We must take over and complete mission of Jesus in six years. Prophecy in Book of Revelation of seven years of tribulation is being fulfilled because of merit of True Parents. All mankind can benefit. All mankind must receive salvation through True Parents. We are indebted to True Parents and God, but master does not want full payment but only small payment. We love True Parents without concept because conscience is still alive.

True love means we go the path of death joyfully and willingly so that we can eternally be with our loved ones. HF blessed Abraham and Sarah had a child, Isaac. Then HF asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abnormal situation. Abraham planned to do it, carry out God's will. God supplied a ram or goat and Abraham was able to pay indemnity. Jacob cheated Esau with the help of Rebecca to follow God's will. Abnormality. Bring indemnity payment. Same in time of Moses. Jesus and God had spiritual contract, then confronted with Calvary. Abnormal condition. John the Baptist was great prophet proclaiming great messiah. Simple cousin comes as messiah. Abnormal condition. Traditional Christians think literal Christ will come on clouds. Christ may be black or Oriental. This is abnormal condition. Speed up indemnity payment, speed up HK on Earth.

People who accuse Reverend Moon of being the antichrist -- let them accuse to pay greater indemnity. Some say True Parents too handsome to be messiah. You can judge if it is true with yardstick of indemnity. True Parents want to suffer more than you.

American did not fulfill responsibility. Only way left is for us to stand up to God and pay the indemnity. Interracial foundation set in America. The nation under God will come by our efforts. We are new pilgrims, fathers of our country. Must know best weapon is law of indemnity. More powerful than H-bomb. Receive compensation three times, sometimes seven times. Satan's world will be destroyed as HK is established.

Through True Parents we have most powerful weapon. UC is the cannon. We are the cannon balls. True Parents shoot cannon off, shoot Satan right between the eyes. We make victory when we properly explode. We receive blessing 700 times. We must think of all mankind and God. Whole world will roll into us. Wherever UC goes there must be a big noise, explosion. When we fire from West Coast, East Coast echoes. Heavenly see-saw. Must clearly know law of indemnity. We may look like we are losing, but we know we are gaining.

Indemnity, indemnity, indemnity!

Christ is here, Christ is here, Christ is here -- HERE!

Father concluded his speech by singing Arirong in the traditional version. It was so beautiful. Everyone was so love-bombed. His voice is so beautiful and rich.

Impressions right now are so unbelievable, to think I witnessed such a historic moment. I was in the same house, the same room as the messiah and heard, felt, lived through HF just pouring out His heart. The speeches last night and this morning were so inspiring. Now to hold on to this inspiration, to actualize the truth 100% and really grab the golden opportunity to grow. I feel so full of love and truth. This is truly the greatest day of my life, and to know that inspiration will never go but only grow and grow and grow until I am perfect and all my brothers and sisters are perfect. I feel I could write on and on and on. The energy is the highest it's ever been. Not spaced out but with real purpose and direction.

We are headed back home right now and I can't wait to start actualizing like I've never actualized before. Glory to heaven, peace on earth, victory to our True Parents, victory to Heavenly Father.

Monsai! Monsai! Monsai! 

Three Months In

1975.11.1

Got up this morning at 5 am for dedication of the month to HF and then went back to bed for an hour or so. We are going to Fresno on a weekend flower trip and I am Mitch's object, so the first thing I did this morning was get groceries and clean out the van. Being an object requires much more responsibility than I have had thus far. But I am confident and it should be a learning and growing experience. We are working off such a good foundation after having seen Father yesterday, which was also Halloween.

Peter, Reid and I first went up to Boonville three months ago. Reid is going to Barrytown today, I think along with Jim Sanders and Mike McCarthy. They say it is much different in Barrytown, much deeper Principle and much more about Father's life. There is nothing to do there but grow. It would be good to go to Barrytown, but I love San Francisco so much. Even Father said he can relax when he comes here. I guess the scene here is much more laid back. I can scarcely imagine what it is like in New York.

But in Korea, where the real frontline is, I can't even conceive. 

Eggs and Blintzes!

1975.11.3

I meant to say so much more Saturday before we had to leave on our flower trip, but once we got started my responsibility of being Mitch's object did not stop. For one thing, I wanted to mention that it was All Saints Day.

I also wanted to mention that I'm really going to miss Reid and Jim. Reid is so innocent and childlike, and yet so deep and profound. He understands the deepest thinkers and has, from what I can tell, always led a very serious life centered on all the classics. He is so great, so different from anyone else I know. He is destined to be a teacher, I bet. Probably teach all about ancient Greece. He seems to really love Greek, even bought a Greek Bible from a Jehovah's Witness down at Powell and Market and told me he wanted to teach someone Greek. Of course I said I would, but of course there has never been any time. Reid even used to live in Atlanta for a while, I think up in Sandy Springs.

Jim Sanders it took me a while to get used to. His expressions are so intense. He told me his spiritual senses were open when he came to the Family, but he prayed that they be closed so that he would be able to hear the truth. Once I got to know him he was really great. I used to think of him as almost comical sometimes. He can see auras, which really fascinates me. They said that when he saw Father, he kept jolting like there was an electric current going through him. Both he and Reid are such perfect saints, objects of God.

The flower trip this weekend was pretty good, even though we didn't do so well monetarily. But it was a growing and learning experience. Unfortunately, as a team we weren't that unified, but I'm not really sure why. Besides myself and Mitch, there was Peter, Richard, Annette and Gay on the team. Annette did super well. She had Mary Jane's spirit with her. I'm sure she and Linda and Mary Jane were all friends back in New York.

Last night, Saturday, I got dropped off at the Refactory Restaurant, but I had hardly gotten through the front door before the manager gave me his song and dance about how I couldn't sell roses inside. He said that there had been some guy there before who came through the front once and through the back twice and that he never did find out who he was or what exactly he was doing. (It had to be a UC member.) But the manager was really pretty nice about it and I developed such a strong concept that I couldn't go back inside. So I stayed outside the door, but it spaced me out pretty bad because I really wanted to get inside. So I prayed I could pay indemnity for the team and straight away sold two-dozen for $16.

Mitch was about an hour late from battery trouble and we finally ended up parking the van in the Burger King parking lot and hitchhiking up and down the strip for our bar run. Gay and I teamed up. I said that HF would send us the perfect ride. Not only would we get where we were going, but they would buy some flowers. Then I said it would be just about two or three minutes.

About three minutes later a car stopped with three people in it who had obviously been smoking pot. The thought crossed my mind to get high, but I knew that those days were gone. Besides, they never even offered, not that it would have made any difference of course. They had already bought a dozen white roses. The girl said she had wished that they had had red. I said we had red and I sold them two-dozen.

Then inside the restaurant, a place called Dan's, the waitress or hostess said the rule was no soliciting. So I said my rule was if she was going to throw me out, she had to first buy some roses. She bought two.

We ended up staying up all night and caught a few hours sleep in the morning after our 5 a.m. prayer condition. We didn't sell too well on Sunday and Mitch felt we were paying some kind of indemnity. We did one last run on Polk Street in San Francisco. We were planning on staying out late, but for some special reason we had to be home. The reason turned out to be that the next day, today, is Children's Day. It is also October first, according to the lunar calendar, but nevertheless it is certainly Children's Day, which is one of four holidays celebrated by this Family. Children's Day means you get up at 2:45 a.m. so that we can be at Hearst Street by 4 o'clock for Pledge Service.

Since we were getting home fairly late, and by the time I could get to bed, there was about half an hour left before the Red Red Robin. So I stayed up again last night.

Pledge Service was really beautiful, with Omma and Oppa dressed in ceremonial white dress. A huge altar table was set for HF, laden with fruits and meats and nuts and COOKIES and CANDY! So much food all being offered up to HF. So beautiful, SO HEARTISTIC!

And this morning we actually had breakfast with solid food! Eggs and blintzes and sweet rolls and fruit, so good and filling.

We had great individual entertainment, especially Ellen Durkell, who was hilarious in her descriptions of Family life. Even Oppa got up and danced.

Oh yeah, before breakfast, after Pledge Service, we went to Lake Merritt holy ground in Oakland. Almost all of our Bay Area family, except a skeleton staff at Boonville, was there. When we cheered, it could be heard resounding across the lake. It was INCREDIBLE!

Then we came back for breakfast, then Oppa sent us to bed. But before I made it anywhere, David broke the big news to me and Tom that we were going on a ten-day flower-selling trip with Matthew to Phoenix and Dallas. Matthew, Jennifer and Kristina are physical brother and sisters and are really close to Onni and Dr. Durst.

Right now we are are waiting at Hearst Street and I think Onni is going to explain the mission. From what I understand, the trip is to help Father buy a seminary. There are going to be seven teams with seven members each. Anyway, this is unofficial and only what Tom told me this morning on our way back to San Francisco to get our stuff. Whatever it is, I think it is a first for the Family, which is hard to believe.

The story is that the church, through Father, is buying up most of the land around Barrytown, and they need $360,000 to set the material foundation for a university, which is one-and-a-half years away. The Bay Area is receiving the blessing by being asked to raise one-third, or $120,000 in 10 days.

We had a really gorgeous banquet, where we ate some of the food that had been offered up to HF. It was so great. Onni and Dr. Durst were there. The sharing by some of the older Family members was so deep that I actually cried, especially over Leal's sharing and Kristina's sharing and Oppa's prayer. I really felt God's love coming through. Kristina shared how the flower-selling company first got started when she and Juliette sold their first flowers, the whole bunch, on the holy ground. HF wanted to show them that the flower-selling company had His blessing and would be a great success.

Ours team was the first to be blessed by Omma and Oppa. 

God and Satan Both Have Flying Saucers

1975.12.4

I see that it has already been a whole month since my last entry, a whole month since I have had a chance to share with myself.

The flower trip was great and lasted 24 days, which took us to Phoenix, Albuquerque, Dallas, Ft. Worth, Houston, Galveston, Austin, El Paso, Phoenix again, Las Vegas and Reno. Our team was centered up by Matthew and had Annie Kaufman, Annie Redman, Linda Gallagher, Nelda French and Tom Sanders. We called it MFT -- mobile fundraising team. I learned the UC had a national MFT with teams all over the country and that they were not short trips like ours. The national MFT was always out fundraising.

In Dallas I went into men's hair salon and the guy who owned it was not into roses, but something made me stick around. I saw above the doorway to his office a painting of the Rapture. There was the Dallas skyline with a section of highway in the foreground and a cemetery. In the clouds was Jesus. Planes were crashing and cars wrecking and all of the souls of the dead were flying up to the clouds. It was a wild painting. I was fascinated. Also in his office was a 3-D picture of Jesus on the cross. Really gruesome.

After a couple minutes the guy came out and asked me if I believed it would happen, meaning the Rapture. I wanted to say it already did, but instead I just said yes. I told him that I was selling roses for New Education Development, a Christian youth group. Straight away he bought a $10 dozen.

One of the strangest experiences were selling in the 2001 building in Dallas. I went up to the top floor, where the 2001 Executive Club was, with a notion of selling some roses and then working my way down. But the way was blocked, so I said I was delivering the flowers from Angelina's Florist on Locust Street. That was a trick one of the sisters had taught me. Straight away they started looking through the phone book to the call the place. Every time they asked me questions about it, I said I didn't know, it was my first day.

Finally I left the executive club without selling any and was working my way down the building when the security guard caught me. But he didn't ask me to leave, only to come with him. Down in his office we went through the same question-and-answer routine and the phone book trip and he finally called the police.

It turned out there had been a bomb scare in the building the day before and my phony story and bundles of flowers made me look pretty suspicious. Finally they checked out that I didn't have a bomb and escorted me out of the building and into one of the squad cars. The cop asked me if I had ever been in a mental hospital or in jail and that I looked like I was spaced out on drugs, all to try to get me to do something or make some reaction. But I was calm, even when he said this would be my first time in jail and he was writing me up for being a suspicious person. Finally he let me out and I sold a dozen on the street waiting for Matthew, for which I was already an hour late.

Tom had some guy pull a gun on him the night before at a drive-in hamburger joint. So we decided to split Dallas and head for Houston, which was HK. The most significant thing that happened was on Sunday.

I was uninspired. I was walking in Sam Houston Park across from the Warwick Hotel and I met a woman who witnessed to me. It was so incredible. HF was really speaking through her. She was so devoted. She said when she saw me, she was reminded of a soldier with an armor breast plate. She said that God told her to tell me not to give up, even when the going was tough. She had the holy spirit and she got goose bumps when it came to her, making the hair on her arm stand up, which happened three times while she was talking to me about flying saucers she had seen, that God has his saucers and Satan has his and sometimes she looks in the sky and can see spiritual battles going on, and she talked about the Sphinx in Egypt near the Great Pyramids and how the hieroglyphics on it predict when the messiah come, and Jesus would return by the end of 1976 and that we were in the Last Days. Finally she took my hand and said a prayer to Jesus that he might be with me and guide me and when I opened my eyes she was crying and had her other hand held out as if she were actually holding someone's hand, and she said she had just received a vision of my mission or destiny but that she could not tell me and then told me not to share the experience with anyone. And although the temptation is sometimes strong, I have been true to her trust. I gave her a rose just as I left. She also spoke in tongues and said she had been serving the Lord since she was nine. She was so beautiful. I will never forget her.

Other than this, selling a $10 dozen to Davy Crockett, who said he was a descendent of the real Davy Crockett, was the only other thing I care to remember. I paid a lot of indemnity.

Matthew said that HF often chooses a strong person to pay the indemnity for the team, and since I didn't really sell all that much, and the rest of the team sold really well, I was inspired to be in that position. We were in Las Vegas over Thanksgiving, and when I called home everyone was great, but sad that we weren't together. Matthew read to us about the Pilgrims and how they had seed corn but refused to eat it even though they were starving because they needed it to plant in the spring. It gave me chills.

I drove the van back home while Matthew and everyone slept. We were on the highway in the desert and the sun was just coming up. It was very cold and there was a little snow on the ground, but the sky was clear. I played "Dark Side of the Moon" in my head from beginning to end as we sped toward San Francisco.

When we got back home we went to Boonville for a training session and I was in the advanced session in Alexander's group, which was great and so inspiring. Last night we went over to Hearst Street and saw two really heavy films from Korea on Communism and how the North Koreans are arming to invade the south. 

Gimme a Sign

1975.12.8

There is one other incident from the flower trip that I recall. We were in El Paso and Matthew dropped me off at an out-of-the-way little bar. Before I went in, I went around back to pray that HF would give me some sort of sign, that even though I wasn't selling all that much, that I was still doing the right thing.

So I went into the bar, really expecting something terrific to happen. But no one responded and I just couldn't believe it. Finally I went outside, sort of bewildered, and said to myself, "And God was silent."

At that precise moment every light in that part of town went out. It was a blackout. People came out of their houses and it created a bit of excitement. Matthew came along and I tried to tell him about my prayer and the possible connection to the blackout, but he was so excited that it took a little while for him to listen to me.

Then he dropped me and Tom off at a Denny's and a Smuggler's Inn. A band called Westwind was playing at the inn, so I knew it was for me. But even with the blackout and everything, I still got thrown out. While I was waiting outside, the manager came out but walked right by me. I'm sure he didn't see me and it was my chance to sneak inside. But fear gripped my heart and I couldn't move. Finally the manager went back inside, came out a little while later and this time told me to get off the property. So I went and bundled my flowers and the lights came back on. I'm sure if I hadn't been so faithless that I would have done great if I had gone back in the restaurant.

We have been back about a week now. This is my second weekend since I've been back. Thursday, after the movies on Communism, Onni said that we shouldn't go home for Christmas. She also said there was a spy somewhere in the Family, but she didn't care and it didn't matter, which really blew me away. Then we went home and I shared about the movies with David and even he said that there was a spy in the Family. But I knew HF would never let anything happen now that True Parents are here as long as we are faithful and take responsibility. So to show HF my faithfulness I said I would not go home for Christmas as I had long planned to do, especially after missing Thanksgiving. I tearfully wrote a letter home stating as much, but that night my parents called to make plane reservations and arrangements and when I said I wouldn't be home, I knew it really hurt them. They took it so personally. They wanted to know what was so strong to keep me here. Why couldn't I come home for just a couple days?

I tried to explain, but I didn't tell them about Reverend Moon, so they knew that I wasn't telling them everything. I could only tell them to pray about it, and I have been praying for them. I know from their viewpoint it seems almost tragic and that I am really rejecting them. But the reality of the situation is that I love HF more than anything and will make any sacrifice for Him, even not seeing my parents on Christmas.

Afterward I felt a victory, just as the time Imoe called up to Boonville my second week here. Both times Satan was trying to get me. Sometimes this is so fantastic, like most of the time, that I can't believe it. I know it's true, yet it's so hard to believe right now.