January 31, 2006
This past week was really good for me. I was able to clear my head and refocus myself in a lot of ways. I feel, just taking a break from fundraising and seeing the reason why we are doing this in the first place again really helped me. Seeing True Father always makes me really happy but also reminds me of how much work I really have to do. Romania made me feel really sad a lot of the time. Seeing the beggars on the sides of the roads and the dogs that were just so hungry it would make them crazy. There was this one dog that I saw who was so tiny and hungry, it was following me and I didn't notice it until it bumped into my legs by mistake and started drinking from a puddle on the sidewalk. Just seeing that and especially the kids who were begging, the mothers who couldn't afford to feed their babies was so heartbreaking. So many times I just wanted to cry. Nobody seemed to care about these people, and there are people whose situations are so much worse in the world. And it just makes me feel like dying.
'Witnessing' on the first day was actually a pretty good experience for me. I met a lot of people who I felt as if I was able to connect to, and even if they didn't come to the speech, were genuinely good people who really did care about world peace. I felt a lot of hope during that time. I met this one guy named Adrian and I talked with him for about one hour. I know that we weren't supposed to do that but I really felt that he needed that... and maybe I needed it too. I felt maybe I could make a small difference in his life (plus, we had run out of those papers\invitations by that time). Well, I approached him, with the paper an asked him if he would be interested. He had been sitting on the curb with his head on his knees and he just looked really sad. He replied saying yes, he was interested in world peace, but no, he didn't think he could come because he would be sleeping tomorrow at 5:00. Somehow we got into a conversation and before I knew it he was about to cry.
He told me that a year earlier his girlfriend had died. She had been pregnant. After he said this he couldn't keep speaking for a minute. But basically after that happened he began to drink and smoke because he was so sad and didn't know what to do. He was such a good person, and really and truly believed in God. I was just overwhelmed with sadness when I spoke to him, I just wanted to take away his pain so badly, and I didn't know how except maybe to give him some hope that there is good in this world and that not everything is ugly. He was seriously such a good guy. So many things he said just really touched me. He tried to give me his scarf as a present but he looked so cold I gave it back to him and it was funny because he seemed so grateful, when it had been his to begin with. We spoke a lot about the world and peace and hope and Jesus and God. He asked me a lot for advice on things. It would take forever to write down all the things that we said to each other. But he was a firm believer in love, and I think I was able to make him a bit happier, I hope. He had had such a hard life. He kept saying how much God loved me, and he said he would come to the speech, although I'm not sure if he did or not.
The next day at the speech, however, I did see two people I had spoken to on the streets. One was a lady who was really into uniting Muslims and Europe, and the other was an eighteen year old thuggish boy who was still in his last year of school before university. I was so surprised and happy to see him. He seemed nervous to be there, he was all alone and dressed in a suit and he kept blushing. We talked a little bit though, it was nice. I don't think I really prepared myself sincerely enough for True Father's speech or for Hoon Dok Hae. I really could have given a lot more, and I'm sorry for that.
Seeing Father always makes me melt, he's just so adorable and just like a mushy grandfather with so much love. But at the same time it hurts me so much to think about all the pain he had in his life, and it makes me feel so guilty for not giving nearly enough in mine. Hoon Dok Hae was really amazing. As I said, Father is just so cute. It was just so beautiful, all of it, with True Mother and the baby, the songs they sang, the jokes he told. I've seen him so many times before, but it felt overwhelmingly beautiful. I wish I could be more grateful. The girl next to me was crying and I teared up too. Father is just so amazing... there are no words, except for thank you and I'm sorry.
Bulgaria wasn't as poor, it seemed, as Romania. But it still made me sad a lot of the time, seeing the people so poor and hungry or the blind men walking. I feel as if I didn't support Pres. [Yong Cheon] Song enough. It was probably a lot harder for him than it was for Father even, to take such a huge responsibility. He really tried so hard, though. It was so cute how in Hoon Dok Hae he made people sing and he made little comments and tangents during the speech and Hoon Dok Hae, the way Father does. God really must love him a lot. Seriously, what he did wasn't easy to do, but he did it well. Even though I'd only met him once before at the kick off workshop, I felt so proud of him.
Overall, attending the speeches was an amazing experience for me, it made me realize a lot about myself and the things I have to work on, so much more I need to give, and the things I need to more grateful for. Thank you God for this opportunity, and thank you to the person who read this reflection. I hope today will be the best day of your life so far.