Highschool Workshop - Sun Shines Through a Rainy Week at Aetna Springs

by Mary Hose-San Francisco, CA

A workshop for high-school students was held Dec. 26-31 at Aetna Springs. There were about 30 participants. The following is an account of the workshop from a staff-member's point of view. Reprinted from American Neighborhood.

My big brother lifted the shade of my bedroom window the morning after Christmas and exclaimed, "Look! It's snowing outside!" Part of me was filled with nostalgic bliss while the other side heaved a huge sigh. I was in Seattle, Washington and due at Aetna Springs to help with the Blessed Children's winter workshop in but a few hours and I knew the airport would be tied up. As it turns out, my plane (along with a few others) was canceled. I called the workshop staff and explained the situation. They encouraged me to "get here as soon as possible!" So within 40 minutes I found myself on a Greyhound bus praying for a safe 20-hour trip.

When I finally arrived (two days into the workshop), the first thing I noticed was the cloudy sky and the heavy rain. But when I walked into the lecture hall for the first time and looked around the room at the expressionless faces of the 30 or so high-school age Blessed children (participants) as they sang holy songs, I realized that the gloomy weather was nothing compared to this exceedingly dull atmosphere. My initial reaction was "What's wrong with these kids?"

However, my worries turned into hope as the days went by and I came to know younger brothers and sisters. They had all spent many months in an atmosphere of superficiality and materialism called "high school" and their consciences were starving for something more, something pure and true. In group discussions each person expressed a desire to connect with God and gain strength to survive the many false joys of the world around them.

Our motto was "Let us win the future with True Parents' tradition." We the staff (Keiha Kobayashi, Hyundo Seong, Eunha Stein, Mary Gowey and myself), centered on Yoon Sun Park (under regional director Rev. Lee), had to convey the heart of God, the importance of prayer, the Divine Principle, the value of True Parents, all that good spiritual food, in a little less than a week! But the staff was determined and ready for the challenge.

The obstacles which surfaced out of nowhere all throughout the week could easily have ruined the whole experience. Yes, obstacles are inevitable but in all my workshop experiences I have never encountered so many unpredictable problems in such a short time: at the last minute we found out our main Divine Principle lecturer could not come due to illness-it rained heavily day and night for the whole week-the electricity decided to black out completely on several occasions (thank God for candles and flashlights)-our workshop camera broke-and the skiing site was closed down (we had planned to spend a day there). Despite the above, however, the staff and participants were determined to make this workshop an awesome and unforgettable one.

Something other than obstacles surfaced that week: the true God-given potential of each person there. Truly they were opening up and using their original minds more. Some of them, by their own volition, went out to the holy ground and prayed together out in the rain. My initial anxiety was replaced with hope and inspiration. The lectures, group discussions, yute games and group activities helped to chisel through each person's barriers of self-consciousness and fear, exposing something beautiful to see. The testimonies on such topics as "The Role of Second Generation," "STF (World CARP)," "The Early Days of the Church," "True Family," "Leadership," and "Prayer," moved many to tears. Emphasis was put on building a personal relationship with God more than anything. Based on that foundation, many of the participants could have a deep experience with Heavenly Father in prayer on the second-to-last day during the candlelight prayer. The tiny room was lit by candles and filled with shouts of desperate prayer. One brother looked around the room at his peers in tears and soon saw a vision of God crying above them because He was moved to see young people so determined to do His Will. Kayo Sato and Erica Belot both shared that during the candlelight prayer it was the first time either of them sincerely shed tears while praying. "I was moved by their determination to meet God," expressed Mary Gowey, who was like Mamma for us all during the workshop.

The testimonies from the participants themselves on the last day was like sunshine amidst the clouds there. Leandros Olivas said, "I determined I would make this workshop a good one no matter what." Another sister sincerely shared her heart: "Before I came, I was unsure whether I should stay and believe in True Parents or the church...thanks to this workshop, I have decided to stay and follow True Parents." Another brother expressed, "The workshop changed my life." Those who were reluctant to attend in the first place were glad they came. The winter workshop was quite a success, but this really is just the beginning.

I cannot emphasize enough the need for education and guidance for Second Generation. I know during the rocky times in my faith, a few words from elder brothers and sisters or my own parents helped me tremendously. Second Generation need the strength to resist Satan's temptations they face on a regular basis, whether on the TV or in school or on the street. I feel there is so much Blessed Children have to offer the world, and it is just a matter of helping each brother and sister to see and use his or her potential given by God through education, guidance and love. (Jesus taught us to raise brothers and sisters with the truth, but save them with love.)

I'd like to thank Heavenly Father for guiding us all the way during this week, as well as True Parents, Rev. Lee, the staff and parents and all the BC's who attended. Hope to see you all in the summer!

Help Decorate New Nebraska Church

by Eugene Curtin-Omaha, NE

The Unification Church of Omaha, Nebraska has purchased a church building. We are busy painting, installing new carpet and ceiling, and generally sprucing things up.

Now we are turning our attention to the bare walls. We would like any decorative items we place on the walls to reflect the church's work in America over the past 25 years. To that end we are wondering if anyone out there might possess, and be willing to part with, any of the promotional posters for the Madison Square Garden, Yankee Stadium and Washington Monument rallies. We would frame them and place them on display.

Anyone willing to donate or sell such items can write or call:
Eugene Curtin 8514 South 47th St. Omaha, NE 68157
(402) 731-1707

Distance Learning Project at University of Bridgeport

by Michael Giampaoli-Bridgeport, CT

The University of Bridgeport is implementing a distance learning project, of which I am coordinating. We are beginning with training the faculty in course design, instructional technology, and monitoring educational outcomes through distance-type courses.

Our preference is too conduct courses through the Internet but we are exploring other methods (satellite, video-teleconferencing).

The first degree program to be offered will be the M.S. in Human Nutrition which will begin in September. We'll probable focus on certificate type programs in the beginning, in business, finance, computer science and degree completion.

We are considering entering into partnerships with other institutions where the start-up fixed costs can be shared. There are a few obstacles that we are grappling with; accreditation, faculty skepticism, and budgetary constraints.

If anyone is interested in this project I would be happy to hear from you, especially if you are interested in instructional technology, web design, html or java authoring, etc.

Also, on my grand layout, is a professional education center, where all types of education, not only the academic required courses of UB, can be offered, such as agriculture, forestry, fishing and aquaculture, financial analyst, etc. If anyone has talents in these areas, please get in touch.

email:

gmichael@ix.netcom.com

Contemplating Unification Thought - Life After Death

by Jennifer P. Tanabe, Ph.D.

Like many people, I have come to enjoy reading books on life after death. I don't know if it is just a curious desire to learn about our future, even if it is only fictionalized, that comes to us as we grow older and face the finitude of our physical lives and of those we love, or if this is due to development in our world view, such as proposed in the Celestine Prophecy. Perhaps it is both. In any case, it came to me that Unification Thought also has much to say about life after death, and that this would be a worthy topic for an article in this series.

There are some basic questions on this topic, some of which are answered, some consistently and others in different ways, in the various accounts of life after death that are available to us. These begin with the most basic, "Is there life after death?" and continue on through such issues as what form it takes, do we have a body, can we see, hear, smell etc., are there animals and plants, are there such places as heaven and hell, how is it determined where we go, can we "fly" through space and even time, where do we live, are couples together, where is God (if there is God) and how can we see/experience God. In this article, then, I shall address these questions and offer answers to them based on Unification Thought.

Now, before I begin, there is one problem with this topic that is insurmountable to most of us, namely, that we have not experienced life after death! Most authors on the topic, therefore, claim to have communication from those who have. In other words, they either themselves are in contact with the spirit(s) of some dead person(s), or they have interviewed those who are in such communication. Dr. Sang Hun Lee, the Director of the Unification Thought Institute, remained hesitant to discuss this topic for many years, for the reason that he had no way to obtain such knowledge. However, after his wife passed on, and he received communications from her through someone on earth (published in the April, 1993 and May, 1993 issues of Unification News), he began to develop this area in more detail. Thus, in the texts on Unification Thought to date, such as Essentials of Unification Thought, there is no direct discussion of life after death, although many of the important questions can be answered quite easily from the material presented there. Those answers, plus information from the letters and other recent writings, form the basis of this article.

So, the first and most basic question: is there life after death? Unification Thought explains clearly that human beings have both a physical person and a spirit person. When the physical person dies, the spirit person discards it like an article of clothing which is no longer needed. Having discarded the physical person, the spirit person goes on to the spirit world, where it lives forever (Essentials of Unification Thought, p.44). Thus, there is no question that there is life after death for human beings.

The next question is what form this life takes. If the physical body can be likened to our "clothing" then what does our actual "person" look like? The spirit person, according to Unification Thought, is composed of spirit elements which cannot be seen by our physical senses. However, when perceived by spiritual senses, it has the same appearance as that of the physical person. In other words, we have the same type of body that we have in our physical lives, it's just made of spirit elements instead of physical elements. And these spirit elements are no less real than physical elements, they are just a different, but corresponding, level of existence. So we don't become amorphous bright lights that float around, or get subsumed into some

kind of cosmic consciousness. We appear like the people we have been in our physical life.

Can we see, hear, smell, etc., with these spiritual "bodies"? Indeed, we can. Our spiritual "bodies" correspond to our physical bodies in every aspect, including the five senses: sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste. Thus, spirit persons can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste spiritual sights, sounds, smells, etc. with these five senses in the same way that we can in the physical realm. Why not? Can you imagine an eternity of darkness, silence, without the smell of flowers, the songs of birds, no music, no visual arts, no wondrous textures to run your hands over, no sweet or spicy aromas to enjoy? I can't, not for eternity, not without going crazy. Unless I become a being that is so radically different from my current existence, and then how would I be me? Human beings absolutely need stimulation from their environment, received through their senses. Studies have shown that when deprived of any sensory stimulation, people soon begin to hallucinate. It's not our nature to live in isolation from the world, without any contact. And this is our eternal nature as spiritual beings, not just a requirement of our physical bodies.

So, what is there to see, hear, smell, etc. in the spiritual realm? Well, this is one of those questions that it is hard to answer without going there, and so my answers are limited. In one of her letters from the spirit world Mrs. Lee says that the spirit world is not different from earth: it has flowers, birds, and animals of all kinds, rain, day and night. She also mentions beautiful fragrances, birds singing, lovely music, and how beautiful it is. However, there are different levels in the spirit world, and the environment is different in the different levels.

This brings up the question of the existence of heaven and hell, and how it is determined where each person goes after their life on earth. Unification Thought points out that it is not the "body" of the spirit person that determines the nature of our eternal life in the spirit world, but rather the mind. Moreover, since the spirit person develops based on the actions of the person during their physical life, the mind of the spirit person reflects the character and life of the person on the earth. Thus, a person who valued truth, goodness, beauty, and true love, and whose life on the earth brought great happiness to others, will experience much love and joy in their eternal spiritual life. On the other hand, a person who lived selfishly, seeking material pleasures, and exploiting and harming others while on the earth, cannot but experience a lonely, suffering existence in the eternal spiritual realm. Therefore, different levels, which we can call heaven and hell, exist in the spirit world, and our life on the earth determines which realm becomes our eternal fate.

According to Mrs. Lee, those who live in the higher realms live in houses with rooms similar to those on earth. However, since time and space are expressed differently in the spiritual realm than on earth, if someone wants to see someone else they can instantly meet them in another place just by thinking of them. This part is somewhat difficult for us to understand, bound as we are by time and space on this earth. However, think of how it is in a dream: you can be in a room at home and the next instant you are in a room filled with people from your childhood. I believe that "travel" in the spirit world is somewhat like that, just more under our conscious control!

Similarly, time has a different expression in the spirit world. Even in the physical world time has many forms. For example, waiting a few minutes for a late companion may seem like hours, while the hours spent in conversation with that person may fly by feeling like only a few minutes. In the same way, a dream may cover many hours, days, or even months or years of "dream time" in terms of the activities the dreamer is involved in, nonetheless in actual, physical time, i.e. the

amount of time the dreamer was dreaming as measured by an outside observer, everything takes place within a few minutes. Thus, there are clearly different experiences of time, depending on the activity, the people involved, and many other factors.

In the spirit world, then, while I don't want to claim that "time travel" is possible, it is not a problem to imagine that visiting several different places within the same time period is quite reasonable. For example, my husband recently discussed with his father (in Japan) that on the anniversary of the day that his mother passed on into the spirit world he would be in Korea and I would be in America. While his father would offer prayers with other family members in their hometown in Japan, my husband and I would offer prayers in Korea and America, respectively. And although my father-in- law initially protested that she would not be able to visit us in Korea and America since she would be visiting her home in Japan on that day, my husband reassured him that such situations were not a problem in the spirit world.

Now we start to come to the really important questions: are couples together in the spirit world, and what about God. First, it is clear that it is our relationships with others that determine how pleasant our life in the spirit world will be. This is because we can only meet together with people with whom we have developed a good relationship, either directly during our lives on the earth, or indirectly through relating to similar people on the earth. Therefore, the first determining factor regarding couples is whether or not they developed a harmonious relationship during their lives on the earth, in other words, do they actually want to be together for eternity.

Now, assuming that they desire an eternal life together, do they live together or are they just able to meet on certain occasions? This is a tricky one because, as the Unification Thought view of history points out, we are in a time of transition from the sinful history, brought about by the human fall, through the history of re-creation and restoration into the future where the ideal world of creation will be realized (Essentials of Unification Thought, p.262). Thus, although it is the original ideal of creation for human beings to marry, have children, and live together in the eternal spirit world, this has not happened yet. In fact, although there have been many good marriages, producing happy families, even those couples did not receive the blessing of eternal marriage from God. Without this blessing, marriage is indeed "until death us do part."

The reason for such severe judgment is that marriage is the key to experiencing God. Unification Thought explains that God is not seen or heard, even in the spirit world, but must be experienced through our hearts. Furthermore, the family is the place in which we experience God's love the most directly (Essentials of Unification Thought, p.204). One reason that many books on life after death currently on the market do not include direct experiences of God is because, without families based on marriages blessed by God, we cannot truly experience God directly, even in the spirit world. Some authors come close, such as M. Scott Peck in his recent In Heaven as on Earth: A Vision of the Afterlife, whose fictional characters experience God through working in committees. As one who hates committee meetings, I had a hard time with this idea initially! However, I realized that his point is that we experience God through harmonious relationships with others. Unification Thought makes this more specific, and I think more personal and realistic, by affirming that the family relationships between husband and wife and children are the basis for true experience of God.

Finally, then, let me conclude by asking a crucial question: if blessed marriages are the way to experience God eternally in the spirit world, what type of marriage will be blessed? You can answer

this yourself, from any faith perspective, but I will offer some suggestions: God is eternal, unchanging, unique, and absolute. Therefore we can expect that God would want blessed marriages to have these attributes. Eternal means having an eternal commitment to one's spouse, not just a temporary one while they are beautiful, rich, or able to bear children. Unchanging also means commitment to that one person, without seeking relationship with others for variety, or to avoid responsibility to that person and their children. Unique means that there is no other couple like yours: your couple has the potential to make a special contribution to humankind and to bring joy to God in a way that no other couple can. You will also produce unique children. Absolute means that there is an absolute standard for marriage: polygamous relationships, same sex marriages, incestuous relationships, and other deviations are not viable alternatives. Blessed marriages are for eternity; they are between a man and a woman who develop a unique harmonious relationship, practicing fidelity, and who take responsibility to raise their children according to the original ideal of creation. So I hope and pray that we can use our time in this physical world to develop our spirits in preparation for our eternal life, and that we can meet in the spiritual world together with our beloved spouses with whom we live for eternity, and with whom we directly experience God.

Chicago King Day Prayer Breakfast

by Jack Toren-Chicago, IL

The City of Chicago hosted an Interfaith Breakfast commemorating the birthday of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. on Thursday, January 16th. (January 15, 1929--April 4, 1968). A large snowfall the night before did not deter the invitation-only audience of 1,000 clergy from arriving at 8:00 AM. Despite the cold and snow, they warmly received the many musical tributes to King and recitation of parts of his many noteworthy speeches by young people from Chicago schools.

After the banquet meal and preceding the remarks of Chicago's Mayor Richard M. Daley who introduced the keynote speaker, Detroit Mayor Dennis W. Archer, we were led by three unity prayers. First to pray was the Bishop Shepard Little of the First Jurisdiction of Illinois, Church of God in Christ. This is the largest Protestant denomination in America. He is also Bishop over Rev. T. L. Barrett, Jr. who has hosted True Family Festivals in his Life Center C.O.G.I.C. this past December 27, 1996 and January 30, 1997.

Second, in the midway position between Protestant and Catholic, was our own Bishop, the Reverend Ki Hun Kim, Regional Director of Region 6 (formerly Region 5). Following his deep prayer, concluded in the name of True Parents, there was spontaneous applause from around the ballroom of the Palmer House Hotel.

Third to pray was Bishop George V. Murry, Auxillary Bishop of the Roman Catholic Church's Archdiocese of Chicago.

At the end of the program, representative clergy were invited on stage and they led everyone, while arm-in-arm, in singing, "We Shall Overcome." The gathering of black and white, east and west to pledge to fulfill the dream of Dr. King was a moving tribute and inspiration to everyone there.

It was some 30 years ago that black and white Pentacostals, including the C.O.G.I.C., were derided as fringe groups and mocked as "Holy Rollers". They endured persecution to emerge now as mainstream and even as the leading group of Protestant Christianity in America. The Unification Church is, at this hour, undergoing a similar metamorphosis in the eyes of America. The scales are coming off and the beauty and dignity of True Parents and their labors in America and the rest of the world are becoming manifest. Soon, everyone will also sing with conviction the familiar refrain, "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Coming of the Lord."

Chicago Blessing, Dec. 27, 1996

by Marie Hudson-Chicago, IL

On Dec. 27, 1996, True Family Values Ministry of Chicago, Illinois hosted its first Annual Banquet, Marriage Rededication and Awards Ceremony at Life Center Church of God in Christ (COGIC), under Pastor Rev. T.L. Barrett, Jr. The festivities began with a flag-raising ceremony in the afternoon at the Life Center Church. Rev. and Mrs. Joong Hyun Pak came from New York as True Parents' representatives to present the first Family Federation for World Peace flag to Rev. Barrett and his church. Together with members from the Life Center Church and the Unification Church, Rev. Barrett, Rev. Pak and Rev. Ki Hun Kim raised the flag up the beautiful new flagpole which True Parents donated to Life Center Church.

Rev. Pak offered a beautiful prayer for the dedication of the Family Federation flag. Under the Family Federation flag flies the Life Center flag. No matter from which direction you looked, you could see these flags flying together proudly over the city of Chicago. Rev. Barrett insisted that the Family Federation flag fly over his own church's flag, since-as he stated-the family is the most important unit in God's sight, not any one church.

At 6pm the evening festivities began. The Unification Church family throughout the region came together to make this an unforgettable event for all involved. All members worked hard under the guidance of our regional director, Rev. Ki Hun Kim, and event coordinator Rev. Purnell Spicer, to make this event a success. Rev. Spicer was also the emcee for the night.

Through True Parents' inspiration and guidance, the True Family Values Ministry has been very successful in the Chicago region. The Japanese missionaries treated our 400 guests to a beautiful rendition of "Amazing Grace." Rev. Ki Hun Kim gave the welcoming address. Then a special guest was introduced and received a special award on behalf of his work in Chicago and throughout the world. He gave a moving speech of how we must see beyond our differences and our race.

Continental Director Rev. Joong Hyun Pak gave the keynote address. Everyone was visibly moved by Rev. Pak's speech-especially our special guest, who kept nodding his head in agreement with many points in Rev. Pak's speech. Rev. Pak emphasized that government and politics cannot guide or be responsible finally for family values. Churches and families must carry this responsibility. After Rev. Pak spoke we held a rededication of marriage service with fifteen couples participating in this holy event; many of them were couples who have worked with Unification Church for many years and were moved to receive the Blessing. Our special guest watched this ceremony closely and expressed his belief that this is what can change the hearts of people in America.

After the marriage rededication service, awards were given to some very special people working in Chicago to make our city a place of love and hope. Rev. Kennie and Mrs. Delt of Higher Love Ministries received an award for their work not only with the youth in the neighborhood but also with the families; their goal is to teach families God-centered morals to strengthen the bonds between parents and children. Next, Mr. Yesseh Yehudah from South Shore Community Church received an award for his work in the community. Then, Elder Michael Gougis received an award for her work in training ministers, and for her work with True Family Values, here in Chicago.

This was the first Blessing we held here in Chicago for the rededication of marriage. It was a beautiful start for the new year. This banquet not only gave the ministers and guests hope, it also filled members with renewed energy for fulfilling our goal of 210,000 couples.

Everyone took home with them a sense of hope not only for Chicago but for our nation. And as we all drove off to our different homes, we could see the first Family Federation flag proudly flying over the city of Chicago, blessing each family with the love of God and True Parents.

California Divine Principle Youth Study Group Completes 3rd Year

by Bento Leal-Hayward, CA

On Dec. 27, 1996, the Divine Principle Youth Study Group in Hayward, California completed its third year with a festive graduation ceremony held at a local church center. Graduation certificates were presented to each of the 23 students, ages 6-14, with several parents attending. The students had been attending the DP lecture program which I, and other volunteers, had taught nearly every Friday evening, except during summer break, for the past year.

Inspiring Student Testimonies

A special highlight of the evening was the writing of reflections by each student. I asked them to spend a few minutes answering: "What was special for you about studying the Divine Principle this past year?"

Each student wrote a thoughtful and moving reflection. Here are a few of their responses:

This has been my third year learning Divine Principle on Friday nights. But this year was the most exciting. Before, I didn't understand anything. It was all new to me. I just kept nodding my head pretending I understood everything. But this year I didn't have to pretend. Everything all of a sudden became very clear to me-the Fall of Man, the Three Stages of Growth, and my favorite, the Three Blessings. It was so exciting. And the cool thing is every time I hear a lecture, it becomes easier to understand. It's funny how before, I didn't enjoy coming here, but now I can't wait until Friday nights meeting my friends and learning God's Word. I hope next year I can learn as much as I learned this year!-Taein Hankins (11 yrs.)

I think Divine Principle is really fun and interesting because we get to learn about the history of God and we learn a lot about new and interesting things. We also get to see our friends, but most of all we learn about God and in the future we will have a stronger spirit to do God's Will. I really think this could continue in the following years, and I'll really miss Divine Principle study as I go to Africa.-Ryan Labrooy (11 yrs.)

(I encouraged Ryan to start a DP study group with neighbor children and their parents when he and his family move to Namibia this year.- B.L.)

For three years I've been learning Divine Principle. From the beginning I have been thinking about the lectures. I thought I can be a messenger for True Father when I grow up. I was telling my mom that when I grow up, I am going to give a five-hour lecture in front of a lot of people. This year I learned the Fall of Man, the Three Blessings, and tons more. All I can say is I am proud of myself.- Tokuin Hankins (10 yrs.)

I kind of understand Divine Principle. And I understand about Jesus. I like the Divine Principle. I like to learn Divine Principle. True Father really helped us.-Kaori Zinke (8 yrs.)

Divine Principle was great and exciting this year. I learned a lot of new things. Like John the Baptist. I learned that he disobeyed God. Jesus got crucified because John disobeyed God, so Jesus couldn't fulfill the Three Blessings and couldn't make the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. I like to learn Divine Principle because I can learn about God's history. Everybody is born with original sin because Adam and Eve fell from God.-James Wiltermood (12 yrs.) Growing in God's Word

It's such a joy watching these wonderful children blossom in their learning and grasping of the Principle, growing each day to become God's True Sons and Daughters. They are our treasure and truly the hope of the world.

In 1997, Richard Zinke and I will be alternating lecturing duties each week. Bill Bechtel, Richard Wiltermood, Wayne Hankins and Michael Allen will most likely help with the lecturing now and again as they have this past year. Another brother, Brian Parnow, teaches a slightly younger age group on Saturday evenings.

Our children are so interested in learning the Divine Principle. I would encourage every one of our church families in America to consider having such an evening study program at least once a week, whether held simply with one's own children in their own home, or jointly with other families at a centralized site. Our children blossom hearing the Word of God and our explanations of its application in daily life. May God continue richly to bless this important religious training of our youth.

Boxing with cancer: Round won, but the match isn't over

by Denis Collins-Madison, WI

About one year ago I learned there was a pretty good chance I would die from cancer during the summer of 1996.

I had studied death and dying while attending graduate school and felt prepared for the inevitable. I would miss my wife and friends, and for my two beautiful children I would make a video of paternal advice that they would receive on their 21st birthdays to help them with entering adulthood (e.g., don't have kids until you're 30!).

Then a miracle happened. After boxing with cancer for three years, and chemotherapy for nine months, I was cancer-free.

But, to my amazement, I wasn't happy. Instead, I found myself boxing with post-cancer survival.

This did not make sense to me. Many friends attributed it to unexpected twists and turns in my professional life. All I know is that during the summer of 1996 I was exhausted and felt short-changed for not being dead. Instead of being like Rocky, running through the streets of Madison with my arms upraised, I was totally exhausted, sitting on a lawn chair, contemplating suicide. It was a not-uncommon reaction to near-death illnesses and recovery-I was seriously depressed.

The situation worsened when a friend at work, Dagny Nelson, who was cancer-free when I received my death sentence, died shortly after going to a doctor for a checkup, only to find that her cancer had returned in the form of King Kong.

In July, I was happy because I thought that some of my cancer symptoms had returned. In a dream, my oncologist informed me about the more deadly second coming of the cancer. I was sad the following day when the CAT-scan results showed that I was still cancer-free.

Come August, when I should have died from cancer and chemotherapy, I was seriously considering stepping in front of a bus to fulfill a dream about how I was to die.

Then several breakthroughs occurred. With the urging of friends, family and doctors, I gave in and began taking an anti-depressant. It worked. Whew, what a relief.

And, on a lovely autumn day, after finishing my daily morning walk along the railroad tracks from the corner of Regent and Monroe Streets to behind the UW generator building's coal piles, I made my usual left turn up Mills Street and met a man handing out Gideon Bibles.

I informed him that this was a terrible corner for soliciting potential customers and suggested he move up to Johnson Street.

"Well," he said, "there must have been some reason why I chose this location. I guess I was meant to meet you."

With that, I accepted his offer of the green pocket Bible.

It had been 15 years since I last read the Bible cover to cover. Instead of immediately turning on my computer on arriving at my office, I started to read sections of the New Testament. I sandwiched every day with 12 minutes of Bible reading first thing in the morning, and 12 minutes of Buddhist reading last thing at night. Buddhism insisted that I appreciate every moment of the day. The New

Testament insisted that I go forward and sin no more. I conducted a three-day fast to cleanse my body and create a "new" me. Every morning I made a commitment to sin no more, and at the end of the day I repented for that day's sins of commission and omission.

I rededicated myself to doing what I could to create peace on Earth, no matter how silly that may sound coming from a 40-year-old, well- educated business school professor. Since I should be dead, and am alive, these are my "bonus" days.

Then more bad news. Brenda Pfaehler, the second person in my three- member cancer support group, died. Back in January I was expecting to die; Brenda and Dagny were the ones who were expecting to survive.

Upon hearing the news about Brenda, I reached with shaking hands into my filing cabinet, and took out a copy of the article I wrote for the Wisconsin State Journal back on Feb. 12 titled "Boxing with Cancer."

I was struck by my hopefulness at a time of great tribulation, and by the audacity I had to challenge those expecting to die of cancer to perform one political act on behalf of some injustice in the world. "We can all get together and talk about it during our afterlife," I wrote.

I now wish to share my hope-filled reawakening with other cancer survivors, cancer patients, their friends and families, as well as those who have recently had other near-death experiences. I am also writing a book and would welcome other's input. If you wish to communicate with me about this, you can contact me at:

Denis Collins, School of Business, University of Wisconsin, 975 University Ave., Madison WI 53706.

Denis Collins is six months cancer-free and counting.