From the Bottom Back Up

From the Bottom Back Up "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die." A sound byte or slogan, maybe?

No, just the title of yet another book (by Karol Truman) on the topic of recovery and the healing of damaged emotions. At a time when the idea of healing is cropping up in almost every context, with scary implications for many, I feel it's time to say something about how healing has transformed my life. To those of you who are really fed up with going through the motions of living a life of faith, but feel trapped because the resources you have investigated so far just aren't working: I'd like to ask that you give serious consideration to my story. There are things all of us can do to improve the quality of our lives, our faith, our Blessings. We just have to want to enough, and to reach out.

I had to go through a lot to get to the point of understanding that I needed healing, and why. I had this idea that to admit to needing healing was to admit there was something wrong with me. I was afraid of what other people would think. But eventually I just came to the end of my rope.

My husband Wayne and I started living together in the spring of 1987, when our second son was conceived. Though I no longer had a formally- assigned public mission at that time, until the end of 1991 I continued to try to do what I considered to be some kind of public service work--but our family life was a wreck. I was angry at everybody and everything. I went through a time when I couldn't hear even a mild suggestion about what I should be doing from any Church person without having a strong desire to punch their lights out. Periodically I raged at my husband and terrorized my children. I just couldn't stop doing it, though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. Then in 1991 I went through such a string of tragedies and disasters that I really hit bottom. I finally admitted without reservation that my life was utterly out of control. With all my talents, skills and experience my life was not working. I felt lost, powerless and alone.

Shortly thereafter, Richard Cohen came to NY and began doing healing seminars. I got a really strong push to jump into them, and I did. After two seminars and an extended period of self-directed therapy using tools I had acquired in the seminars, I found that for the first time in my life I was beginning to have some control over my life and feelings. I could get out of myself and start paying attention to the concerns of others.

My husband and I began organizing and co-facilitating the seminars of the International Healing Foundation in the NY area. In March of 1993 we started hosting and facilitating a members' support group that meets every Wednesday night at our house in Queens.

I could easily write a book about all that I have been through in this time, but the essence is that I have experienced an emotional and spiritual transformation that empowers me now to address painful, threatening and highly-charged situations with a presence that I never had before. It doesn't mean I don't still get angry and yell and fight with people. But now I know when it's my history coming up, and rather than blaming someone else I can take responsibility for my feelings. The quality of our family life has changed completely. I'd like to share what I consider to be some key aspects of the change.

The first thing I learned about was the origin of the anger that had been wrecking my life for so long. Having experienced damaged emotions as a child without being given the opportunity to grieve and heal, I was carrying these unhealed feelings with me in my body. Whenever a painful situation arose that was reminiscent of my

childhood experience I could only react with feelings left over from the past. Being in the here and now just wasn't an option.

Whenever anyone in a position of authority gave me a direction, I internalized it as being not from True Parents but from the parents I grew up with. Along with that came the expectation of judgment, punishment or the withholding of love if I didn't perform according to a certain standard. I then would compound the situation by blaming and accusing myself for having these negative feelings. Worse, I had failed to overcome them by sheer force of will after so many years of trying. Eventually through healing I could understand that the problem wasn't some fatal flaw in my character, but that I was like a casualty of war whose wounds had never healed. I'd just been hurt, that's all.

One of the earliest benefits I experienced from doing healing work was learning to release negative emotions in a safe, directed and non- threatening way. By getting these feelings out I could level down and get in touch with deeper feelings. Anger and guilt are feelings that are always close to the surface. Below these feelings are hurt and shame. Deeper still are the feelings that are the doorway to grieving- -sorrow, loneliness, a sense of abandonment and betrayal. As I was able to give voice to these feelings as well, I finally could find God's love and forgiveness. Ultimately, I found a sense of my own original value as a daughter of God. As long as I stayed in the anger and guilt I was a walking reactor. But I learned that by expressing these feelings and getting them out, I could go deeper and meet God.

Processing my feelings in this way has opened up a whole new world of experience for me. I am now able to recognize when I am being "triggered", that is, when my emotional reaction to a particular event is all out of proportion to the event itself. If my feelings are extreme I can get them out in a way that's not directed at anyone (by shouting it out or pounding a pillow, or something like that). However, I never lose sight of the fact that whatever the event is, it isn't the cause of my negative emotions. So I don't blame whatever or whoever brings the feelings up. By taking responsibility for my own feelings in this way I have power to direct them positively. I own my feelings, they don't own me. Before I would blame the triggering event or person and give away the power to have some control over the situation. At the same time I was backing that person into a corner because he or she doesn't have the power to do anything about my feelings.

Doing this work has enabled me to understand who True Parents are in a much deeper way. I had to resolve some deep issues with my physical parents (and this process is ongoing) in order to accept in my deepest heart my status as an orphan, someone who never had parents. This is because my parents couldn't be true parents, and without blaming them, I had to come to terms with reality. Because parents are God to a child, if something is wrong a child will always blame him or herself. "God" can't be wrong, or the world doesn't make any sense. In order for me to receive True Parents in a deeper way, I had to stop blaming myself for things I didn't do, find my original value and accept the reality that as a child I didn't have parents. Then I could understand that True Parents are simply the True Father and True Mother that I needed so desperately at that time, and just didn't have.

I now can understand clearly that I cannot fully restore myself or be the doorway for the restoration of others without the healing of my emotions, because I am a child of a Being whose essence is heart and love. Love is an emotional force, and feelings are the bridge between my mind and body. God lives in my heart before He lives in my mind. Ultimately I am to be guided by that Heart as it expresses itself through my healed emotions, eventually informing my mind. If I try to control everything just with my mind, because of the fear of surrendering to real feelings, then my mind and body might as well be living on different planets. Needless to say, there's no room for God in that equation. Through healed emotions God can guide me to keep the balance between the spiritual and physical, internal and external, substance and form. Only then can I truly be subject in the sense that Father speaks about.

I'd like to encourage everyone who feels they're ready to investigate the resources that are available in your area. There are 12-Step programs everywhere, and a growing number of self-help and recovery books on every imaginable topic. Also new methods of counseling, healing and alternative medicine are coming out of the woodwork. Ultimately we can be the ones to pull all these elements together, centering on God and True Parents, but, as the saying goes, "Physician, heal thyself." The most powerful witness lies in the ability to model for others.

I'd also be very interested in hearing your thoughts and feelings concerning what I have shared here. Please write to me at 54-30 153 St., Flushing, NY 11355. We need to communicate--God lives in our relationships. I look forward to hearing from you.

Father's Legacy at UTS

by Dr. Frank Kaufmann-Barrytown NY

This is an excerpt from the Faculty Greeting given on the inauguration of Dr. Shimmyo as president of UTS.

In 17 years, UTS has gone through several distinct phases. It is entering upon yet another even as we gather here this afternoon. Although each phase is important, both the good ones and the bad, it goes without saying that the early years marked what may well be as the most important. Even though we expect constant improvement with successive classes, administrations, and faculties, one can never overtake the significance of the early years since they are permanently distinguished by the constant presence of its founder, Reverend Moon.

Recently, I brought one of my current students to a near swoon one afternoon, when during my scheduled class hours Rev. Moon came to the seminary. Students expected to be dismissed in order to prepare themselves to attend his discourse. Just before dismissing the students, I told them, "You know, when I was a student here, Rev. Moon was up here so often that we were forbidden to stay with him if we had classes scheduled at that time." "Get out," one student shouted, obviously so stunned at the notion that an involuntary outburst escaped her. That students would attend to their studies when Rev. Moon was present was simply unthinkable to her. "Really," I insisted, "it was Father's own rule." Of course, times have changed. Father is up here rarely, and it goes without saying that we should stay with him during one of his rare visits. That student as might be expected made her way to the front row (no easy accomplishment) and sat eagerly and attentively for the many hours of Rev. Moon's speech that day. I, however, rarely saw her after that!

There are a number of important things to note from this vignette. The most important is to recognize that the educational vision and traditions which will forever lie at the root of this Seminary's development are Rev. Moon's. For years on end, he spent day after day here establishing by personal example and by abundant explanation precisely what type of education and personal training are necessary for a religious leader. This near unfathomable foundation remains and will be available forever to any future educator who would undertake to train religious leaders. This vision for the Seminary will ultimately be embodied. It is only a matter of time.

The second thing to note is the level of investment necessary for the establishment of anything of importance. For each of us in this room who hope some day to accomplish something of enduring value, we should always remember that this can only be achieved if we are willing to pour ourselves into that thing, 100 percent, over a significant period of time. If that method is necessary for someone as talented as Rev. Moon, then how much more it must be the case for the likes of you and me. Nothing can be achieved in an easy way, or by using clever techniques and shortcuts, and certainly enduring change from a bad world to a good one requires the utmost investment.

The third thing I would point out is that our liberation lies in universalizing in our lives the best behavior of which we are capable. We should do our best in each and every job, even ones we may not like. Take the example of the student described in my little tale about Rev. Moon's visit. Her excitement and enthusiasm, which enabled her to secure the front row and sit for hours in rapt attention, should be her own personal standard for each and every task and obligation she faces. Or take another example of someone who loves volleyball. That feeling and heart that wells up when the score is 14-14 and the serve is sailing down from the sky towards me should be the same heart with which I approach each and every task and commitment with which I am engaged. When I clean out the hall (once I choose to do so), when I listen to someone's troubles (once I choose to do listen), and so on. When I take a course-once I choose to do so. Once we choose or accept an obligation, we should carry that out with the same heart and enthusiasm which naturally arises for my favorite thing, or for the person I love most.

Anyone who believes that some things are worthy of my best, while others are unworthy, violates the fundamental wisdom of every great religion and high teaching. Jesus promised to entrust with great things those who were faithful over a little. "As you do to the least of these, you do unto me," he explained. And Confucius responded to a great king who postured before the teacher, asking for the secret of great governance, "Learn first to govern yourself!" God and the universe know us truly by observing us through the small and the unwelcome obligations, not at all from our behavior on special occasions.

My second thoughts this afternoon again relate to small, basic things, those things God studies so that He can decide how much to entrust to any given individual. I had a long talk with Hyo Jin Hyong Nim yesterday, the eldest son of Rev. Moon. I discovered that he, like his father, clearly sees the ideal. Such people who clearly see the ideal naturally abound with great love. By the same token however bad behavior is confusing, troubling and almost incomprehensible to them. He brought up the issue of the imminent dawn of the universal dissemination of knowledge and education through mass communications. This, he explained, will set each individual free. No longer will we be beholden to elitist institutions and abusive powers for the acquisition of knowledge. Each and every person will have direct access. Each and every one will be free. "I'm for that," said Hyo Jin Hyong Nim, "we just have to be sure that people know right and wrong. That's all."

We should all know that those people who truly lead us on our religious path, Father and the heirs of his vision, live to bequeath us unfettered freedom. How much then has God longed for us to live in the state of original freedom. For each person, from top to bottom, all that is necessary to enter unbounded freedom is the simple knowledge and practice of right and the shunning of what is wrong. Thus, the second thing I would urge as we step into all that awaits us, and set out to achieve all that we would like to offer, is to establish simplicity and constancy in doing what is right, and what is good. Those with the wisdom to live simply and consistently choosing right will be free, and will bear fruits worthy of God. People with complexity in this area of their lives will lose all of their energy in the entangled swirl of rationalization and uneasy conscience.

Finally, let us not forget that in this short life we must accomplish at least some thing well, no matter how small. Let us never think that we will be content with ourselves at the end of our lives, if all we can have said was that I worked hard pursuing some grandiose task that I never really understood, and never really believed for a second that I would achieve. No, those who go peacefully to meet God all bring with them something in which they believed, tried with all their heart to achieve, and in the end, by the grace of God, did it. It does not matter how small.

Supposing you become a great little league coach. Or a violinist, or an exciting published scholar. The actual achievement is secondary. What is important is to have discovered something we believed in, loved, gave it our all, overcame obstacles and difficulties, and with a pure heart with simple love and with the dream that my lifework will be carried on, and done better and better. We bet our lives and pour out our hearts to achieve some substantial offering. Now is the time for seminary graduates, and all people of conscience, to settle upon some goodness that is consistent with their own nature, talents and passions. We should study with great care Rev. Moon's simple pattern of challenging and winning, and then ourselves give our all and win at something. That thing, no matter how great or how small, is what we give to the world, give to others. With such a thing we can excite God Himself, if even for a moment. When we have such a thing, we have peace and true happiness.

Let us do our best even in small unseen things; let us choose what is simply right and good consistently, and let us achieve some enduring good by living with passion and investment. Such people are free, happy, helpful to others, and pleasing to God.

Dissecting Doctrines

Greetings once again, from your very own part-time Unification News rabblerouser. This article is in 'first person' style for a reason. To paraphrase the famous cartoonist Charles Shultz, "Nothing is more disturbing than the challenging of a cherished belief." Religious beliefs are held more dearly than any other. Therefore, I wish to state clearly that this two-part article contains only the opinions of myself, your author.

Today we'll look at 'doctrines' and their real life consequences for the believers. This could be rather blunt, so: apologies in advance. It seems the best way to get to the crux of things. If I am incorrect in any particular, I welcome clarifications. Also, we'll look for some practical lessons for us Unificationists.

With matters Theological, scholars must be extremely precise. They have an entire specialized jargon, which cannot be understood by others. One could say, "It's all Greek to me," and really mean it! And add "Latin, Hebrew and German" to the mix. I'll try to keep it simplified and in plain English.

Ever since its founding, Christianity has hoped for 'orthodoxy,' and battled against 'heresy.' Saint Paul denounced several heresies, right there in the Bible itself! Early Christians held several famous gatherings to fix their central doctrines. Notable was the Nicean Council, where Jesus was pronounced to be 'the same as' God Himself.

Oddly, the Emperor Constantine had already announced which side he was backing! Afterward, he carried out his threat to banish those few who dared to oppose his verdict-in-advance. Thus was the three-males 'Trinity' doctrine accepted, and a woman's role was ever after confused. Also, Jesus was placed impossibly far 'above' us.

Today there are thousands of Christian denominations, many diverging from that historical view. Without the Divine Principle, this only adds to the confusion. The defenders of Nicean orthodoxy really have their work cut out for them! I understand that the other Great Faiths have gone through similar doctrine-setting and heresy-hunting episodes. However, I'm not familiar enough with them to comment.

Many denominations base their claims upon one passage or occurence in the Bible. For example, some churches note that musical instruments were used in pagan rituals, but are not mentioned at Christian meetings. Therefore they frown upon such music in churches. (But they sure are good singers!)

For another example, the Jewish Sabbath is Saturday. Why then do most Churches worship on Sunday? Of course there are good reasons. But Seventh Day worshippers (Adventists and a few others) pity and dismiss all other Christians as having 'caved in' to so-called Pagan Sun-Day rituals!

The Adventists are unusually generous about this. Few Christians see God allowing 'ignorance as an excuse.' But Adventists speak of people being saved "by their lights," that is, by the truth as much as it was known to them.

Some Christians of the older traditions divide themselves still further. They have rituals that never appear in the Bible, yet are taken with deadly seriousness. In old Russia, Orthodox worshippers once 'crossed themselves' with three fingers held together. (Thumb, index and middle.) Later, they 'reformed' and used only two fingers. Some worshippers refused to change. Ostensibly for this reason, huge numbers were slaughtered! When I visited Macedonia, they boasted of Christian roots going right back to a legendary visit by St. Paul himself. They still use three fingers. (Don't tell the Russians.) So, please don't get too annoyed at American style doctrinal mud-slinging, OK?

Many American Christians are highly analytical. A young Texan once told me that "satan will use a whole ocean of truth to disguise an ounce of poison." As a typical American, he must have tested his 'ocean' down to the parts-per-billion, finding it pure. The implication was; as well as I could "talk Bible," I was headed right for that little vial of poison!

Similarly, such believers always bring up the notion of context. Obviously, the Scriptural figures lived in long-ago times. Their customs, languages, and worldviews were very different. That's one reason we have a Unification Seminary; to understand these things.

However, these Christians are very good at selectively 'assigning' context! One Biblical passage is "obviously" literal, another allegorical, yet another purely symbolic. Thus, they can thoroughly justify almost any doctrine!

Considering the vast differences in denominational, church -not to mention individual- beliefs, that young Texan would've found himself all alone in Heaven! Fortunately for us mortals, God is a God of Heart. Suffering with and for us, and raising us up with very much patience and mercy.

Let's take a brief look at some little known but highly consequential doctrines. The first is called Eternal Security. Briefly: Can the powers of the world overcome Christ? In plainer terms, is it possible to backslide completely? Denominations are deeply divided, but quietly, on this point. Most 'fundamentalists' claim it is not possible.

I've greatly annoyed many 'negative' (vocally anti-Unificationist) Christians with this one point. You see, I was "saved by the blood of the risen Jesus" at age 17. So if it's "eternally saved," then I -the moonie- will be there in Heaven with them. They say it and wince! The Principle is very clear on this point. One can fall away. But everyone -even satan himself- will eventually be saved.

Another (even less discussed) doctrine concerns Deathbed Salvation. Plainly put, can you put off 'getting saved' until the moments before your death? Many American people are counting on it! Only a few 'Holiness' churches teach that you cannot get away with this. I've heard that some Soviet leaders had priests brought in, secretly, when they were on their deathbeds. Oh, well.

The Principle holds this entire point moot. The Holiness churches agree with us here, that 'mental salvation' -a fifteen second rote prayer- won't really ensure salvation anyway.

A much-heralded but barely considered doctrine is that of 'Renewal.' Assuming that, at the Ressurection, Christians will instantly be relieved of their earthly sins. Christianity -and all the Great Faiths- believe in 'free will.' But at such a point, God would have to violate our free will, once and for all!

People are just not built like curcuit boards, from which sins and fallen nature can simply be unplugged, to be replaced with some unspecified 'angelic' nature. Many also believe they will have immortal 'ressurection bodies,' something that defies all physical laws. Mormons (of the Utah LDS branch) even teach that God Himself (and Jesus) have such immortal, 'bloodless' yet quite physical bodies. Principle tells of a much more desirable Spirit World awaiting us.

Various faiths entertain vastly different notions of the 'afterlife.' (Though such beliefs usually set them apart from the fatalistic secular belief-systems.) Even within Christianity there are different notions.

The late evangelist Keith Green made pamphlets depicting a tearful cloud-borne Christian. He was crying because his favorite TV show was on-and Heaven had no TV's. (Harps only, presumably.) "Learn to Praise now, that's going to be it for all eternity," was the point. C.S. Lewis wrote -far more accurately- of an 'intense' Heaven, more 'real' than anything found on this physical plane.

Some less savory religions have always tied 'salvation,' or a place in the 'heavenly elite,' with membership in a certain race or civilization. With the advancement of the Age, these faiths are either changing-or fading away. It was only in 1978 that Utah Mormons began to allow Blacks into their higher ranks. (With the little-known exception of their founders' personal Black friends.) Some faiths are still being restrictive.

The Mormons, to their credit, are now sending missionaries into Black Africa. Other churches make a big point of their missions to Third World societies. They speak of the '10-40 belt.' (No, not cars!) It's the Earth's mid-latitudes; the barely evangelized, largely Moslem, Buddhist or Hindu nations.

I once heard a talk by a Baptist missionary to Central America. He painted a vivid picture of a jungle area practically swarming with missionaries. Almost like there were three of them chasing after every native Indian. Bragging about their primitive converts. While -a few miles away- there were teeming, growing cities-with few if any missionaries. In fact, new tracts were being laid out with no room for churches to be built!

Some faiths barely evangelize, if at all. To join certain ones, you have to go and bother them! Many 'witness' primarily to friends and neighbors, while others (such as Jehovah's Witnesses) have organized 'cold call' programs. I don't have to say which ones we would prefer to resemble!

Ever since the Cruxifiction, there has been talk of Jesus' Second Coming. Many times, someone 'discovers' that He is just about to return. These days, such ideas are spread in comics and over the airwaves. I've heard of a nifty -and quite legal- contract intended for such preachers. It assigns all their possessions to you, effective on the day after the End of the World. See if they'll sign it! There is a darker side to this. There are ministers in jail right now, for bilking their flocks out of their (they thought) soon-to-be unneeded worldly goods.

Many believe the world will suffer first. There are doctrines of 'Pre, Mid or Post-Tribulation Rapture.' The 'Pre-Tribs' think Jesus will snatch them up first. (It's never made clear to where exactly.) They will get to look down on a 'deservedly suffering' world. But the 'Post-Tribs' believe that they'll be tormented for seven years before Jesus comes for them.

I'm truly sorry to mention this, but I did hear it in their own official doctrinal classes. The Seventh Day Adventists are 'Post-Trib' believers. They see the American government, under eventual Sun-Day Pagan (particularly Roman Catholic) domination, as the very instrument of this Tribulation. Hence their unfortunate little offshoot, the Branch Davidians of Waco, had every reason -from their historical doctrine- to fear and resist the government. Even, as it turned out, to the death. And our 'humanist' Administration proved all too eager to oblige them . . .

Many faiths are arguing over the idea of giving leadership to women. This is their right, but these same faiths are now struggling to maintain themselves. While Principle does say 'men are the subject,' the reality of True Parents gives women more heavenly honor than they've ever had!

There are many styles and doctrines of marriage and divorce. Worldwide, too many to even list here. Within Christianity, it goes from super-liberal churches allowing homosexual or 'informal' marriages, to ultra-strict 'Holiness' churches that allow divorce under almost no circumstances.

Wiser churches are now suggesting (even requiring) counseling and waiting periods for newly engaged couples. Our own church frowns upon divorce, but does not forbid it. Because of the example of the True Family, the compatible beliefs and experiences of our members, and our guiding elders, divorce is not common.

Even more significantly, due to our (often misunderstood) post- Blessing 'separation periods,' things have tended to 'shake out' before kids come along. So, divorces involving children are extremely rare! Few other peoples in the world can say that.

Christopher

Contributed by David and Jennifer Hager, Hong Kong

Here is a moving example of dealing with loss in a way that "brings us to a place of greater love."

We would like to share with you something of our experience of life, love, loss, and blessing arising out of the brief physical life of our second son, Christopher Hager, who was with us for one precious day.

We had been praying and working with doctors for the last seven and a half years, trying to conceive our second child. When Darien [their first child] was six, Jennifer was pregnant for only about ten weeks and miscarried. Finally, after we had almost given up hope, we conceived a boy with medical help in February 1993.

During the pregnancy we watched a film of the miraculous development of an embryo into a human baby. We marveled at the process by which "mere stuff" of DNA-nothing but long strings of ordinary carbon, hydrogen, and so on-possesses the innate power and knowledge necessary to assemble that most complex and stunning miracle of a small human being. Within this microcosm, six trillion physical and chemical reactions take place per second, all fully correlated with one another. Each new model is built upon a common theme, but according to a unique blueprint. What we usually consider a "normal" process of gestation is nothing less than a very complex series of total miracles! We both commented that it was a wonder that this process works so well as often and as reliably as it does.

The pregnancy was very difficult for Jennifer, but finally she went into labor on November 1, 1993, and we headed to the hospital for what we expected would be a normal birth. However, we soon discovered that our baby had a serious heart defect which made it impossible for him to survive on his own outside the womb, and despite all efforts, he passed away in our arms seven hours after he was born. Holding him as he passed away, many tears came: some of sorrow, some of offering, and some of gratitude simply to have been able to behold-even briefly-the pure beauty of God's heart manifested in a new person.

Many circumstances of life are simply handed to us. Our response and attitude are ultimately the only things that we have to offer back to Heaven. . . . When we realized our son was having difficulty in the womb, we reached out to hold onto God's love and strength. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that He reached out to hold onto us. We have come to find in God the MOST caring Person, from whom all caring originally comes.

Through our loss we have understood more deeply how God Himself cries for each lost child. God, far from being insulated from the lives of each of us, is actually the One who bears and feels more deeply than any human heart can imagine. We often pray for deeper love, courage, and compassion, but realize that if we mean to share the heart of God, this includes His sorrow as well as His joy. Our loss is pale by comparison, yet it is providing a path for us to more deeply appreciate and trust the boundless love that God gives.

With the experiences of burying both of David's parents and Jennifer's dad in recent years, we are able to accept Christopher's death in the context of a larger scheme for human life. Although we honestly don't know why it happened, we don't see this death as some mysterious or deliberate act of "God's Will." In fact, we definitely felt that God was as sorry as we were, having to help us say good-bye to this child so quickly. But we do know that our attitude determines whether this becomes a crippling sorrow or brings us to a place of greater love. Physical death is actually a transition, or another birth, into a totally spiritual existence. We all inevitably go through that door. The beautiful bonds of love that we build with each other will be the only possessions that can go through the door with us.

We speak of Christopher in the present tense because he is still part of our family. In some ways, we feel we have known this little person for a long time. His life outside the womb was so short, but during that time we had experiences of love, gratitude, sorrow, and grace that almost seem like a lifetime. Those eight years of effort to conceive him, sharing his development in the womb, our anticipation of his birth, loving him in his brief physical life and having to let him go-all these are a part of the total experience of having this son. So we have two children, Darien and Christopher. With God's help, we hope that in time we might conceive another child.

We do not mean to deny our sense of sadness and loss. But we want to testify that the love of the living God has really sustained us through this loss and given us hope.

Through our loss we can perhaps better understand the tearful heart of offering that Heavenly Father made when Heung Jin Nim and Jesus' lives were given as a sacrifice. Because of the timing, we hope and believe that Heavenly Father can use the offering of this life in many meaningful ways, though we do not expect to ever know how. However, we do feel that God has received our intention, and given back to us a profound peace and grace.

Many non-Unification friends were amazed to find that we felt such a sense of peace. In these rare moments, we have had unprecedented opportunities to share about True Parents' love, teaching, and example, and the doorway that they have opened into the Completed Testament Age, where true love transcends all barriers. We can see that all things can truly work for good if offered to God.

Ceasefire! Fulfilling a Prophecy of World Peace

by Raymond Reynolds

My Ceasefire campaign started in February 1993 when I decided that if I am ever going to start living my dream, then I am going to have to go public sometime and the present moment would be better than a later one.

I think it is important to live one's dreams and I've learnt that God will almost always give you what you want-and if He doesn't, He will give you something much better. It was from that fundamental belief and a strong sense of destiny that I rang up the local press and declared that on the 15th of August 1999 there will be a World Peace Day. They sent a reporter and a photographer.

I explained that I believed that world peace was the destiny of all mankind but that I had come to believe it would not take place in my lifetime, and that I was convinced that it could only come about through a step-by-step process, the starting point being a 24-hour event in which all the nations of the world who are engaged in war, whether foreign or domestic, agree to ceasefire for one day. It would be the biggest ever to be staged in human history and the first moment in history that there would have been absolute world peace.

I told the journalist that my plan was that on that eventful day there would be a host nation where the religious and political leaders of the world would convene and that many historical decisions would be made in the name of peace. I expanded that the event should then be held every four years and given more publicity and attention than the World Cup and the Olympics. I was amazed to find that when the feature was published, they had given it a complete page.

I then waited for the world to respond to my genius, only to find that the world didn't believe it was possible. It was then that I realized that I was going to have to walk the path of genius and be thought of as a crazy man who was wasting his time. However, I was not going to let circumstances or anyone steal my dream.

I've often remembered 1983 when I started working for a world party and God told me that He really appreciated what I was doing and, if I was really serious about making the world a better place, then I was going to have to do it His way-which meant I was to rejoin the Unification Church. I learnt from my time in the Church that it was God's plan to get me to the Blessing and that if I was to complete my objective, I was definitely going to have to be Blessed. As this testimony is being written for UC members by a UC member, I must say that I have never been able to understand why we spend so much time studying the providential men and women of history, learning how they were abused by the people of that time. We remind each other how we are the chosen people of this era, that we have to go beyond what the central figures of history did. But when one of us declares that God spoke to us that we have been commanded to build an Ark, the majority of us seem to have exactly the same attitudes as Noah's family.

Each one of us had dedicated our lives to God and True Parents, for this time we have all done our best and I always say it isn't over till it's over, no matter where we are at. I personally don't have a clue where I'm at, but I am doing my best. I wonder if Noah really knew that what he was doing was the right thing, until it actually started to rain, and then didn't stop. Such is the nature of spiritual experiences.

Brothers and sisters, I am-and you are-today's David. You have everything you need to slay Goliath. You are a King, You are a Queen. Believe in yourself, as well as in True Parents. It was from this conviction that I have continued with my campaign. When I started, I did not and still do not know how the event would actually take place. However, I have learned that by going through the actions, the plan seems to crystallize over time and I am moving forward in a very exciting and positive direction. Since starting the campaign I have been invited by two major London radio stations (Greater London Radio and London Broadcasting Company) to be interviewed. I was also interviewed by BBC Radio Midlands. I have met with people I would never have met if it were not for my dream. I was invited to a conference and lunch at the Grosvenor House Hotel in Park Lane where I mixed with diplomats and Members of Parliament and dined with them. I collected three thousand signatures and three thousand pounds from people who did nothing but encourage me. For me, the time has been very exciting.

The plan at present is to organize a National Peace Day or a Victim of Crime Day; the goal is to reduce crimes of violence by 50% for 24 hours; there would be a fundraising campaign similar to Children in Need or Comic Relief, and I am currently corresponding with various people to that effect. It would of course need to be supported by the press and celebrities. The money would go to organizations which are now working with victims, and to the setting up of a Victim Care Service, as the victim or survivor of any violent crime in this country has very few rights, and is far from taken care of. It is the criminal who has the weight of public money and sometimes even the law behind him or her. For example, did you know that if someone broke into your house and you hurt them, you could end up being in court yourself for grievous or attempted bodily harm? There are too many injustices for me to mention through this medium since this is not a critique on British justice.

I am at present working with the Manwaring Victims Trust, which was started by Mark Manwaring, whose father and sister were brutally murdered all for the sake of a red Escort car. He had a terrible experience as a victim, and so he set up the Trust to help others who are touched by murder. He has set up a fully equipped office in his home, where the crime took place. The Trust supports me in what I am doing. I have also made contacts with many other victims, who are all working to change the victim's experience.

I have no Idea where this path will take me. To Heaven or to hell. I only know that I am living a conviction, a dream that I have had for too many years.

Reprinted from Village: The Hometown Newsletter.

Breaking the Chain of the Battered Wife Syndrome

by Ellen Goldstein, C.Ht.-NYC

Abuse, both physical and verbal, has been a fact of life for women for thousands of years, and at times the mistreatment of women was thought of as normal. However, as we have come to understand today, that kind of behavior is destructive. It destroys the abused and the abuser alike. Modern psychology has given us insight into these dynamics, commonly referred to as the "battered wife syndrome." This title is a misnomer. Both the man and the woman caught up in this dynamic are playing their respective roles-in most cases, the woman as the victim and the man as the attacker. Let me explain what I mean by roles.

Each person holds within himself or herself the seeds of their own destiny. From the minute we are born, our minds begin processing information which will shape the direction of our future. Our subconscious mind literally drinks in all the information that it is fed, and this subconscious mind shapes our every action. Words have tremendous power, and the verbal food we ingest are the building blocks of our self-image. The phrase "You are what you eat" is applicable here.

People who have been taught to respect and love themselves are happy and bright. They attract others like moths to a flame. Everyone wants to be around them and share in the energy of their love. In contrast, those who have been infused with low self-esteem create a whirlpool of negative energy around themselves, and people avoid them. No one wants to be sucked into their dismal atmosphere.

Negative input or abusive behavior in our past leaves scars on our psyche. The scars act like magnets, attracting similar treatment. Because we have been convinced we should be hurt, we subconsciously set up situations in which we will be hurt, justifying the negative treatment we receive. We unwittingly set ourselves up.

Too many people in our society, especially women, have been taught to think of themselves as worthless beings, deserving mistreatment. And too many people in general have been trained to believe that they are stupid or worthless and do not deserve love. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every person is precious and unique. We derive our value simply from the fact that we exist and are part of God's family. No matter what we have been taught to believe in the past, we have the power to change the channel and transform our lives.

It is, however, a difficult task. The process of re-instructing our subconscious minds is not natural. Our minds were designed to receive only one set of self values. But with our mixed-up society, we ingest many conflicting messages. For example, in church we are taught that marriage is the highest ideal, and that we should "save" ourselves for marriage. But the promiscuous lifestyles of our modern-day heroes are touted from every magazine cover and television screen.

The subconscious mind is like a computer. It digests everything it is fed literally. It cannot sort through the information we receive and choose the best-especially when we are children. Ingesting this conflicting information erects many barriers within us that impede our growth. Individually we must find out what our barriers are and break them down.

Easier said than done! I am sure there are many of you who have tried to change your situation without much success. Others simply do not know where to start. It's hard to pull yourself out of a deep hole without the help of someone with a long rope. It's not impossible, but for the majority of us, it's close to it. If you are in a dangerous situation, you must get out. Very few people have the internal stamina necessary to transform such a relationship when trapped within it. Especially in an atmosphere of violence. Once you are out of that environment, you have more freedom to change.

Just as there are many types of people in the world, there are many healing techniques. No one technique is right for everyone. The basic principles, however, do not change. The first thing you must do is find a guide, someone who can assist you in uncovering the root of the problem. Before a physician, psychiatrist, psychologist or healer can treat a problem, it must first be diagnosed. In order to heal your subconscious mind, you must first find the causes of the problem. Once you have uncovered these causes, you can then find the solution. It's like spring cleaning-rooting through the closets and throwing away your mildewed old clothing.

Cleaning out your mind, however, is only the first step. You can uncover many dark secrets, sources of the wounds on your psyche. There are many mental healers who can help you do that. Unfortunately, some do not go any farther than that. While cleaning out your refrigerator, you may find some moldy bread, but if you do not throw it out, your refrigerator will still be unclean. The same is true for your subconscious mind. It is necessary to uncover the incorrect and damaging things taught to you, but if you cannot forgive and let go of them, you cannot be healed.

Forgiveness is a crucial step in the healing process. When you hold onto the pain that someone inflicted upon you, you leave no room for health or love. That pain remains within you and festers like an abscess. If you cannot forgive, you cannot heal. Forgiveness is the same as throwing out the moldy bread. When you forgive, the hurt is no longer stored in your mind. You have surgically removed the cancer and filled in the hollow place that trapped all your hurts with healing.

First you must forgive the person who wronged you, and then you must forgive yourself. This can be a long process, because there may be many wounds to cure. It becomes easier once you have begun. The hardest part is beginning.

One of the most important things to remember is that you are responsible for your life. It is certainly terrible what may have previously happened to you, or what is happening right now. But the past is finished and cannot be changed. The present and future belong to you, but only if you will accept responsibility for your life and actions. If you choose not to heal, then you allow those who harmed you to control your life. Every person has the innate power of choice. Many people grow up in poverty, but not all who were poor remain so. It is true that they have greater obstacles to overcome than those who were born wealthy, but it is by their power of choice that these changes come about, not where they were born. Many who were born wealthy end up poor as a result of inappropriate life choices. We cannot change what we were born with, or taught, but we can transform the direction of our lives through our life choices now.

Step two is developing your mind-body unity. We all have seen a martial artist in a movie, or a concert pianist at work, and marveled at their skill. What attracts us to these people is their mind-body unity. They have centered their mind on a discipline and forced their bodies to follow in that direction, regardless of pain or exhaustion they might be experiencing. Those principles hold true for all aspects of our lives. We, as part of the creation, must center our minds on the creator, and inspire our bodies to follow that direction. The more we follow this pathway, the happier we will be.

In conjunction with this, we must also serve others. Much of our life force derives from interaction with others. We cannot find true happiness alone. To quote John Donne, "No man is an island." To nourish our physical bodies, we need good food, water, air and proper exercise. To nourish our subconscious minds we need good information and good actions. All living things exist and grow through a process of give and take action. For example, for your body to properly survive, your lungs must take in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. If one side of the process is broken down, then you can no longer breathe and your body will die. To have the goodness in your mind alone blocks the proper flow of give and take, and is unhealthy for your psyche. You must share the goodness with others for proper mental health.

When you are in a difficult situation, it is hard to think of others and what they may be experiencing. But you will find that the more you help others, the less overwhelming your own problems will be. This is part of the give and take process. When you give, you open yourself up to receive. If you do not give, you have no room to receive. And the more you give, the more room you have to receive.

That is not to say that you should neglect your problems. Too many women who are caught up in the "Battered Wife Syndrome" are also "co- dependents". Co-dependents are those who sacrifice the integrity of their core being and value (at the expense of their own true health and well being) at the behest of destructive and self-destructive victimizers and bullies, to the ultimate detriment of themselves, their abusers, and other bystanders, innocents and family members.

There are two kinds of sacrifice. Healthy sacrifice overflows from a storehouse of love which you are able to share with others. Unhealthy "sacrifice", however, drains your life force to "feed" others, not truly for their ultimate betterment. It is a actually a selfish form of "sacrifice". Most people who are involved in the "Battered Wife" dynamic do not have a storehouse of love from which to serve. They generally embody the role of doormat, and find themselves drained by what they give. It is essential for your own well being to give only from deep true love, not from anger or resentment or other distorted, unloving or impure motives.

The third element which is essential for proper balance is a care for the creation. Even if we are united in our mind and body, and we share our love with others, if we live in a polluted environment, we cannot find true happiness. We have a responsibility for our external as well as our internal environments.

All of these elements, loving yourself and finding mind-body unity, serving and loving others truly, and loving the creation, are the fundamental components for success. To break out of the "Battered Wife Syndrome" and find happiness, you must travel this road.

If you simply separate from your mate and retain your anger and resentment, those emotions will more than likely put you back into the same situation you are escaping from. The problem will follow you wherever you go, and you will find yourself trapped within the prison of your own hatreds and fears. Separation is only one step. Some of you may not want to do anything else. That is your decision. But be aware that finding another mate is not a permanent solution. Unless you can erase your fears, resentments and hurts, you are very likely to fall back into the same situation.

When you can free yourself, you can also free others around you- especially your family and friends. The hardest step is beginning, and it is not an easy road. But true happiness and joy lie at the end of this pathway, and the power to get there is in your hands.

Art Of Virtue

Contributed by George L. Rogers

A HeartWing subscriber who works at the Covey Leadership Center sent me a draft of an excellent curriculum written by George Rogers. It focuses on character development for grades K-8 and provides interesting ways to engage children in discussions about attitude, self-respect, thinking, personal responsibility, etc. I used parts of it with the teens trained this summer. I asked George to explain what he is doing and how he got into it. If you contact him, please mention that you learned about him through HeartWing: George Rogers, Acorn Publishing, PO Box 44153, Eden Prairie, MN 55344,612 934-4432.

Briefly what I am trying to do with Acorn Publishing is to create and distribute resource materials for parents and teachers to help them engage young people in conversations about honesty, respect, personal responsibility, and other important topics related to their character development. My belief is that many parents and teachers would like to do more, but just don't quite know how or don't have interesting and stimulating ways to broach these topics. The reason I am doing it is because I believe there is a need and I care very much about young people and would like them to be given better tools and perspectives for making the important decisions in their lives. I also believe that most children want to understand better how to make good decisions and how to avoid behaviors that will get them into serious problems.

In 1986 I edited and published a book of Benjamin Franklin's writings, titled Benjamin Franklin's The Art of Virtue. When Franklin was a young man of only 26 in 1732, he conceived the idea of writing such a book. He felt that many people lead bad lives who would gladly live good lives if only they knew how to make the change. He collected materials and experimented with ideas on this theme for over 50 years of his life, always planning to write such a book. Unfortunately, with the press of his busy life, he was never able to complete this work, but attempted to address some of the thoughts he had in his autobiography. I came across and purchased a set of his writings. In reading them, I saw many things I wanted to share with my children, and realized that these were perhaps the same thoughts he had wanted to include in the book he wanted to write, which he planned to title, The Art of Virtue.

After The Art of Virtue was published, a friend of mine, who teaches in the Minneapolis public schools, gave a copy to her father. He liked it and told her that the schools ought to be teaching this kind of material. She told me the story, and I felt that perhaps it would be worthwhile to try to come up with something that could be used by teachers and that would facilitate parent involvement as well.

I have devoted over two and one-half years full-time effort to developing the Acorn Series. In April of 1993, 115 elementary and middle school teachers piloted a first draft set of the materials. They liked them very much, offered some important suggestions, and then I developed the second draft set. These were used by several teachers in seven elementary schools over the 1993-94 school year. Again with very positive response and helpful suggestions.

My plan has been to take these suggestions and go to the next level of refinement which then would be published into a marketable product with nice covers and well-drawn pictures. Also the intent is to have material that may be used by families at home in support of what the teacher is doing at school.

George sent me a copy of The Art of Virtue, Mac and Zach from Hackensack, a delightful children's story about aptitude, attitude, and happiness, and a poem, "The Mighty Genghis Kahn, A Tale of Anger and Remorse." All are excellent.-VC

Africa Festival Starts CARP at Laney

World CARP activities were kicked off October 12 at Laney College, Oakland, with an "Africa Festival" held in conjunction with the African Student Union. The event also raised donations for the Rwanda relief project, an ongoing charitable effort of CARP California to collect rice, charcoal, blankets and money to help the humanitarian aid outreach in the strife-torn African nation.

[Name will follow,] a local resident who owns an African clothing store loaned exciting traditional clothing which was modeled by friends and students. Pat Fleischmann, a long time Unificationist missionary in Senegal, came and cooked African foods which were sampled and enjoyed by a lunchtime crowd of around 300 curious students. Laney CARP president Lark Roper and Mata Kingi from World CARP San Francisco introduced onlookers to CARP and invited them to participate in upcoming programs.