I Shit You Not

September 18, 1975

At the last minute, Onni had an inspiration that James should not go to New York, so he is still with us for now. Something involving some Salvador Dali paintings that he owns. He told me about it the first night I met him. He said he made a lot of money and invested it in Dali artwork. I was impressed, especially since he was living a fairly simple and spartan life like everyone else in the center. He also said he had a Shelby Mustang that he gave to Onni. That impressed me too.

It has mostly been an indemnity week until today. Kent and I went over to City College this morning to witness and find out some things about school activities that we can sort of infiltrate. It was very difficult to stay awake on the streetcar on the way over. Morning is Satan's time, Mitch says.

We sold a dozen roses for our fare.

City College seems to be a real gold mine of hungry souls. Kent and I sat in the cafeteria and witnessed to about four people without moving. Later, on our way to Powell and Market, I witnessed to a guy sitting next to me on the streetcar and he seemed real responsive, even though he was skeptical because he had been to dinner over at the Berkeley center before.

From that point on the day got more and more cosmic. There was one girl, Claudine, whom I saw coming down Powell, so I started chanting real hard on her. She came down and started to turn right around the Bank of America, but suddenly changed direction and came right over to me and we almost spoke simultaneously. She was most responsive. Our personalities seemed to be almost perfectly matched. But it turned out her VW bus had been stolen the night before, so she wasn't into coming to dinner tonight. But I have her phone number and address and will dog her until she comes.

Also witnessed to Janice in Macy's, and it looks as though she may finally be coming around to dinner, but I will keep after her. Also kept getting good responses from people all day, but it finally culminated on one guy, Steve.

First I asked him if he had a minute and he said no, but I started witnessing to him anyway. I don't even remember the things I said. Suddenly I felt a fart coming on, so I let it go. But instead I shit my pants. I couldn't believe it.

Then all of the sudden, right in the middle of my witnessing to Steve, this black guy appeared out of nowhere and said to Steve: "If the weather around here doesn't shape up I'm going to get a pair of long johns, the kind with the flap in the back so you can shit. Fuck this shit."

Then he poked me in the arm and said: "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

And suddenly he was gone and I went back to witnessing to Steve as if nothing had happened. I think he may respond.

Then I went to the restroom to clean up. I was fuming. Finally I went back out on the street, chanting harder than ever. I was really mad.

Then I met Nathaniel. He was the most open person I had met yet. It was almost like he was witnessing to me. It turned out that James had sold him a flower three days earlier. Then as I was witnessing to him, James showed up. He had not been there all day.

No one I witnessed to came to dinner tonight, but there was one guy there, Seymour, who I had witnessed to a week ago on Van Ness while I was waiting for the van to come. I had forgotten all about him until he refreshed my memory. Actually, now that I think about it, I also managed to get quite a few donations on that intersection of Sutter and Van Ness.

Where will this day lead? 

Forbidden Fruit

September 20, 1975

I lost my first spiritual child, S. John, today by my own faithlessness.

David told us Thursday morning to only witness to high-standard people, that it was easy to witness to someone with a low spirit, but difficult to witness to someone with a higher spirit than our own.

That day I witnessed to S. John, but I was uneasy, so I gave him the facts and the pamphlet and cut it short. He showed up for dinner last night and on the spur of the moment decided to come for the weekend. He was on vacation from work and he had another week. He was really prepared, really ready to come. I did very little to try to persuade him for fear of scaring him off.

Last night we arrived at Boonville, set our sleeping bags on the floor in front of the lecture stage. We were lying there about to doze off when the black board fell over. It landed right next to S. John's head but did not hit him, thank God. He got up and went outside to sleep.

This morning I found him very cheery and open to a new experience. We took a hike upstream to the hill where I first found out who the Lord of the Second Advent is. We shared an orange and a peach. I had learned from James yesterday that it is important for us to receive gifts from the fallen world because it helps those people to grow at the time.

We were downtown and James had shared some chocolate with me that Ed, whom James had met that day and had talked into coming for the weekend and will probably stay the week, had given him. But Claudine, who I had met the day before, was standing there talking to Mitch and I gave her the chocolate James had just given me. Which James said defeated the purpose of heaven receiving gifts from the fallen world.

At least S. John was participating in the activities. We had been sharing an apple just before the dodge ball game, but there was still some left, which he kept in his pocket. Afterward he pulled it out and I sort of motioned for a bite, but he said he wasn't going to share it with me and I realized I had just betrayed his trust. He sat through the next lecture, the Introduction to the Principle, and suddenly decided to leave. He didn't even stay for the group meeting afterward.

Talking to him as we walked down the lane, I realized that because I had broken my trust, Satan had claimed him. He had no reason for leaving, but I managed to get him to admit to his own arrogance just before he left.

I was walking back with Diana, Big Jim's assistant, and she asked me if I thought he heard any of my arguments. We passed by a fat dead toad in the road. I said that the only significant thing I saw was that he had admitted to his own arrogance.

I found a $10 bill on the side of the road, which I stuck in my pocket. But then I realized that it was a condition to make up for my faithlessness earlier. So I gave the money to Diana and told her to give it to Big Jim and I went to pray that HF would bring S. John back through this condition of faith. 

Calling Home

September 22, 1975

Although it was not an outwardly exceptional day, a series of events did occur which it may be worth to put down on paper, for what they may bring in the future.

Today I centered up Peter Stair in flowering selling, which was good, but we didn't really do so well, although I did have a watermelon donated and a large sweet bread from a bakery. Monetarily it was an indemnity day. I tried to set a condition of faith today by fasting for S. John, though I did succumb to a bite of chocolate immediately after the sweet bread had been donated.

The baker who donated it was a former boxer who had lost his sense of smell. I wish now that I had made more oneness between us because he really had such a good heart. We shared the bread in our family meeting tonight.

When I went over to see S. John, he wasn't home and apparently hadn't been there for several days. So I left a note, then went to Powell and Market and called my father in Dover.

We talked for about half an hour and I think it really made him feel good, because it made me feel good. He didn't even ask more about the Family or what we were into. All he cared about was that I was happy. He was really delighted when I said I might be home for Thanksgiving. I do long to see them all so much.

Finally went out and witnessed for a little while, then came home and broke my fast. Found it strangely easy to talk to the guests tonight. I learned last weekend up on the land from Mike McCarthy that you can really be sincere by just trying to be friendly. I mean, HF can work through you if you approach people sincerely wanting to be friends.

I will have to actualize this more, however tonight I was asked to go on a three-day flower run south, and of course I want to go. Dave Burroughs and I are going from this house. Right now we are waiting for the pick up.

Heard today that someone took a shot at Gerald Ford in Union Square. Richard Lewis, Peter Stair and Donna were there, but they said it wasn't important. Or rather, it was more important that they find a heavenly child.

Imoe also called this evening and sounded much more open to coming to dinner. 

Grateful Dead

September 28, 1975

Just got back from Boonville after a four-day flower trip to LA. We left about 2 a.m. September 23. There was myself and Dave Burroughs from San Francisco house and David Urban, Peter Califano, Gary Kreigel, John Redman and Hans, who was center man, all from Berkeley.

We clunked it until we came to Oxnard, where we started our first run. I sold a two-dozen bunch right off and ended the run with $52.40 about two hours later. Then I played hide-and-seek with a security guard in the CF Bank building, but didn't sell too many except in the bar/restaurant, where I sold four-dozen.

My next run took me across the street to the mall. A mechanic in the Sears garage said to come back at quitting time. In the mall I traded two roses for a hot dog and a rose for an ice cream cone. But when I went back to sell some flowers to the guy in the garage, a dozen for $5, he gave me his money and I was counting out his flowers and he just changed his mind on the spur of the moment.

The rest of the day I felt tired and uninspired.

The next day, September 24, I got really inspired by a reading by Father on victory and defeat. But then the flowers didn't come in, so we guerrilla witnessed at UC at Santa Barbara with a little skit we called "The Elephant Experience," where Hans lectured afterward. We did have a limited degree of success with our first group, but the second group bombed. The flowers finally came through around 6 p.m. and we slept out on the beach that night.

On September 25, in Santa Barbara, I ran into a Christian woman around noon in a bank who knew who we were and tried to warn me about how Rev. Moon is a false prophet and he is duping the country's youth into money-making schemes so that he could live in a palace in New York. At first it didn't bother me, but when I got to thinking about why we didn't have fund-raising licenses showing that we were a non-profit organization, I got negative and spaced out on my next run for five hours.

That night we went to Malibu, where I sold a couple roses at Alice's Restaurant, then we went on to Santa Monica, and finally the Sunset Strip in LA, which was spiritually bombed.

The next day, September 26, we went flower selling in Santa Maria, where I got really tired and negative. I even cut one of my runs a little short. I walked into a small restaurant, really just to wash up a little, but I knew I was not really into selling roses. I was too tired to care. As I was walking out by the last table by the door, there were two women, one of whom was very excited about the roses. But because I wasn't centered, the other woman talked her out of it.

I sat outside feeling really tired out, not wanting to move, still knowing I had a few more minutes to sell, but I didn't care, and when the van came, I just crawled in and went to sleep. When I woke up I was in San Luis Obsipo and I felt somewhat refreshed.

I didn't do real well at first except for a half dozen and some singles. Then I went to do some bars and restaurants. At one restaurant a guy threw me out waving a butter knife in my face, and as I was getting thrown out of the next place a table of guys bought a two-dozen bundle and I sold a two-dozen bundle to some cowboy at the next bar, who at first wasn't interested and then said, without me saying anything, "You talked me into it." Then I sold a two-dozen bundle to another cowboy in another bar, who just wanted to see if there were really two-dozen flowers in the bunch.

Pick-up time came and went. After an hour I called Berkeley and Alan said that Hans would be late. It turned out that David Urban had been busted in Santa Barbara. We did finally get picked up around 9 p.m., ate at McDonald's, and drove up the coast on Highway 1. While Hans was sharing he took a 20 mph curve at about 50 or so and we ran off the road into the bank. It sort of shook us up, but no one was hurt and the truck was not damaged.

Hans had grown up to be a Catholic priest, but within the last couple years he had been on the road crew for the Grateful Dead, so he knew quite a bit about them and how they started off as a really good thing but while he was with them they were essentially beginning to fold up. They had had it all together except for Heavenly Father, because they understood metaphysical existence really well.

They have a new album out now called "Blues for Allah," which I haven't yet heard, but while I was in LA on the Strip outside of Sneaky Pete's at 2 a.m. there were a bunch of really big Dead posters of the album with the caption "Play Dead" underneath. Somehow it seemed really sad to me that even if they were grateful they were also dead. I can't relate to the name anymore. I don't think I ever really did, though I know I thought I did at one time. But that's because I didn't understand what the name meant until I met the Family.

We came back to Hearst Street, where we spent the night and went up to Boonville with Alan, Peter, Gary and Randy on Saturday morning. I was in Jennifer's group. I remember seeing Reid and Linda, but they looked different, not so bright, and Bob Kruman said to me that I looked different, more humble, he said. I don't know, but I really want to go out actualizing like this again and this time really put everything I've got into it.

I am beginning to realize how much Heavenly Father needs us, but He can't work through us unless our behavior is up to standard. It is just like Don Juan was saying: "We have be warriors of impeccable character." And I was anything but impeccable, always thinking of my own position, not really caring about God's position, and I was really struck by how insincere and faithless I have been. This weekend has made me determined to change all that and really start living for HF, put my life on the line if I have to. I just don't feel like my life is worth living if I don't live it for HF.

I mean, I can always be grateful to be alive, but without HF you are grateful dead. 

Two Months In

October 13, 1975

The time has come to get tough, to be serious. I am afraid that I have been lacking in my inspiration lately, not being faithful to my journal and just generally not being very sincere in my actions. I wish I could be more positive, even with myself, but the reality of what I see is not so positive to me. Not that I don't have hope, but that before long the going is going to get tough and grisly and maybe even ugly.

It hurts so much when I see Family members leave. How many of us will leave when our faith is really tried? Who will be faithful and who will be faithless? I can't help but look at myself with a critical eye and wonder if I will be strong enough when the day comes. Will I really be willing to die for my convictions, or will I be weak?

Even David said the same thing to me tonight, that it is really going to be a heavy scene before too long. I recognize the need more than ever to grow myself to be righteous and strong and unyielding for heaven. But every day I am faced with my own lack of faith and insincerity.

And I am also so much more aware of the absolute necessity of finding the really most capable people right now, and yet how little effort I am willing to put out for that.

Last weekend I had my first guest who actually stayed for the whole weekend. His name was Michael Embry and I met him waiting for the streetcar coming home from San Francisco State. He and his brother, George, came over that night and signed up for the weekend, but when Friday rolled around they weren't planning on going.

I had a sore throat and went to bed and slept through supper until James got me up to go to Boonville and they hadn't come over. So I went up to the land thinking I didn't have a guest, but Saturday morning I ran into Mike at the bathroom. It turned out he and George came over, but George was drunk so Poppy said he couldn't go. But for some reason Mike still decided to come.

He responded really well. I mean, he was really cooperative, but he's too attached to his old ways still. I want somebody who is going to be strong!

The weekend before last I went on a flower-selling trip around the Bay Area with Carl T. and it was good, but as usual after the first day I started losing energy and lost a lot of greater purpose and I didn't do so well. I am really going to have to work at being self-inspiring. I am really just too, too negative.

Tonight I talked with David about a study program and he said I should keep a running journal, not just one entry a day, but three, four, five entries a day. Seek inspiration and jot it down. So I feel that this journal may undergo some changes.

He also gave me a book, "Master Speaks," which looks really good. I am resolved to spend some time each morning and evening to read something about Father or the church or Principle. I am more determined than ever to really be faithful and strong, but I have so far to go.

Julie shared something with me yesterday, or rather last night when we came back from Boonville, that though it may not look like we're getting anywhere when we look forward, it is because our view of the standard increases as we grow. But by looking back on where we have been, we can see how much we have really grown.

I can scarcely remember life outside the Family. 

Huh?

October 14, 1975

Today I feel reborn. Not just inspired, but like I'm in control, or at least trying to take control.

HF woke me up at 5 a.m. so that I could get into my new book. I had been reading "Tales of Power," but somehow I've lost interest and I really want to learn more about Father and the church and Principle.

Before I could get to my reading, Tom sent me out on a special mission to get orange juice and hot chocolate, but I still had time to read before breakfast when I got back. Then we went over to Hearst Street to hear Oppa (Dr. Durst) give a lecture. It was the second time I had been to such a thing. Last week it was about creation and the newest ideas that have been developed. Unfortunately it was a bit too abstract for me. But it was stimulating to know that this was the first time the truth had ever been revealed in that light. So I was really just grateful to be there.

Today, however, I took some pretty good notes -- but not like David, who can write down the whole lecture word for word. That guy is amazing! This morning's lecture was on epistemology. Dr. Durst discussed how the various avenues of thought developed.

Basically, we are all value-seeking individuals who live for pleasure, which is the cognition of value, which stimulates joy through our hyung sang and sung sang natures. We seek pleasure for ourselves, or rather gratification of our desires, and then we receive pleasure or joy when we are aware of our value to others and to the whole.

A lot of people who, when they are first exposed to the Family, think that our songs are corny, which is true, but the songs are also true in what they say. I must record this kernel, which Dr. D expressed as, "In the corn you get nourished."

Beowulf and Grendel -- "That was a good king."

Hermann Hesse "Steppenwolf" -- Develop character

Every person is the prototype of everyone else. We have the infinite nature of God in all of us. Each person reflects a different facet of God's infinite personality, which is also inherent in us. As we interact and share with more and more people, that specific nature is brought out in us and we are more comprehensive and comprehending.

KNOW --> LOVE --> ACT

If we really open ourselves and learn to truly love, then even the most negative experiences and people and things can be stimulating. 

Truth Kills

October 14, 1975 (cont.)

To whom this may concern: Glenn Emery has been working as a volunteer in our project, New Education Development Systems, Inc., in a full-time capacity, in return for room and board. We're grateful to have him with us.

Signed: David C. Stoller, Director

10.14.75

Bombed out at the welfare office trying to get medical, so I walked back to Powell and Market and for some reason I had an irrational fear that if I centered up first I wouldn't get to eat my lunch, and it was almost one o'clock. I even rationalized that everyone else had eaten, even though all of the lunches were still there. So I grabbed a lunch and an extra sandwich and spaced out, which is really bad and I knew it, because being alone when we're so young spiritually can make us negative. And sure enough, I got negative.

But I fought it out and Mike Embry showed up at Powell and Market. I'm sure he didn't know I was there, at least I think I'm sure. He said he had looked all over for me at San Francisco State campus. We ran into each other there yesterday when I was there with the actualizers on the Elephant Bus. Mike had some more questions. I tried to be extra careful with what I said because I didn't want to repeat the mistake of really killing him spiritually like I had to another Mike by telling him everything but Sun Myung Moon's name. And of course he rejected it all in the end. Even yesterday, witnessing to a Christian girl, I got really arrogant and probably told her too much. Mike has got such a good heart and we seem to keep running into each other, so I really want to be a responsible parent if I can.

Later that afternoon, witnessing in Union Square with Cindy, I stopped to talk with this elderly gentleman named Frederick Messino, whom I had seen around on several occasions. I sort of knew he was spiritual. He had a Rosicrucian book he was reading, but he called it the White Brotherhood. His eyes were incredibly bright.

(Even as I write these words, Mitch is nudging me with his foot, telling me I should be downstairs -- I think I must have missed family meeting.)

I wasn't so interested in his philosophy but more in him. I asked him if his spiritual senses were open, and he said yes. He said he saw something very beautiful in me. He inspired me to want to pray to Jesus. I have felt very high ever since.

Tonight we went coffeehouse witnessing. John, a brother from Berkeley, and I witnessed to four Divine Light devotees at the Soup Factory. It was almost as if we had been led to them. They had such good spirits, but they were so blissed out that I'm afraid that they are not really doing anything constructive with their knowledge. Hopefully, Guru Maharash Ji will humble himself to Father or it will be very bad for them spiritually.

I think I really need to pray for understanding. David's lecture was very short tonight. I guess something is happening which requires a lot of his energy right now.

BEST OFFENSE, BEST DEFENSE CONSCIENTIOUS COMMON SENSE 

"Don't Get Funny With That Ring!"

October 15, 1975

I had the most amazing day today! Last night I stayed up fairly late reading "Master Speaks" on spirit world and I prayed that Father would reveal himself to me.

Today I witnessed at the Cannery with Barbara. We spent a lot of time sharing our experiences coming into the Family. Our witnessing finally culminated in a cop named John Tumi and a radio station manager who wanted to interview David. Then around two o'clock Barbara and I split and I went to pray.

There I stood in the cable car line and two physically beautiful girls came up in line behind me. So naturally I started witnessing to them. They claimed to be pentecostal and belonged to a gospel singing group. But right away I could tell they were spiritually bombed and I cut it short. I rode the cable car to the end of the line at Powell and Market and witnessed with Dennis for the rest of the afternoon.

But even before that, when I got off the trolley, there were these two Family members from the church in LA talking to James. I ran to meet them as they left. It was a Mrs. Davis and Benjamin, who was James' trinity leader when James first met the Family in LA. He stayed for two weeks of a 21-day workshop and actually had a very intense spiritual experience in which he saw Jesus Christ in Benjamin. It was a powerful enough experience that they crammed the rest of the Family into the room because the spirit was so powerful. It lasted for about a day and a half afterward.

But he did leave LA and was found by Poppy within half an hour of being in San Francisco.

My best witness today was a Mrs. Green, who was all dressed in white, even wore white gloves. She seemed to me an angel. But of all the terrific and open people I met today, no one came to dinner.

Then at dinner there was a girl from Dover, Holly Baggett, who lived near PandB Market when I worked there. She was invited by Lydia and Bob, but neither of them was available to take care of her for the evening, so it seemed like divine providence that she was my guest. She was somewhat skeptical, but David thinks she's good. She said she'll try to come back tomorrow night. She had been staying at Holy Order of Man's Raphael house for women after all of her stuff had been stolen. She left right after the lecture to go see Brother Charles, who is some kind of monk who hung around Dover a few years ago.

Then we were all set for a family meeting in Berkeley and I was all set for my first meeting with Onni, but it was called off at the last minute and we had the blessing of selling roses down on Broadway instead. Cindy and I were together and overall the team did well, even though Cindy and I got separated right at the end. So I wandered over a couple blocks looking for someplace to sell and I saw a place with lots of lights and people inside. It looked like a reception or party of some kind. People were all dressed up.

Almost right away a bouncer kicked me out, but I was determined to not give up, to try to give every person in there a chance to buy, because them giving to heaven is important for their spiritual growth, and I didn't want to be accused by spirit world of not trying hard enough, of not trying every door and window. I was determined to beat Satan.

I saw a trellis on the outside of the building, and the window on the second floor was open and I could see there were a lot of people upstairs. So I climbed the trellis up to a narrow ledge. To get to the window I would have to jump a few feet and it was dark and if I didn't make it I'd fall. But I remembered what Kristina said at Boonville about a leap of faith and I jumped through the open window into the room. I couldn't believe I had just done such a thing.

The bouncer was right there. He couldn't believe it either. He was so mad. I thought he was going to hit me. All the people in the room just stared at me in disbelief. The bouncer grabbed me by the arm and shoved me down the stairs, yelling at me, "Don't get funny with that ring!" At first I didn't know what he meant, then I looked down and saw the little hooked blade on my pinky that we used to cut the strings on the rose bundles. I had forgotten I was wearing it. I don't think I could have hurt him with it if I tried, but he thought it was a weapon.

I told the story back at the van and everyone laughed, which made me feel good even though my result was low.

Poppy has just come down and scolded me for being up so late, but when else do I have time to myself? Nevertheless, I know she is right. I will go pray and sleep now.