1978.6.2
I went out to fundraise May 8 in the morning, but the pressure was the most intense I had ever experienced. I was at my all-time low. I had struggled for five months to reunite with fundraising, only to find that I could not accomplish it physically. So now where was I supposed to go?
I was really depressed. Actually, I think I was having a nervous breakdown. I thought I had had one several days before when I had really pushed myself too hard. Now all of my hope had been exhausted.
While I was waiting for Captain Swearson, one of the brothers, Bill McCarthy, came up and sort of off-handedly said that the month of May was the time when more people go crazy and commit suicide. Something about the phase of the moon.
Back in the van I almost choked trying to tell Captain Swearson I was having a nervous breakdown. He said that comes from not having any hope. I said that that was my case. The team had done very poorly the day before. I felt completely responsible. When Captain Swearson judged us, I thought I would die. This created the tremendous pressure I felt the next day. Satan was really closing in for the kill.
I was very despondent the next day, May 9. We went to Topeka. The thought of fundraising created great anxiety in me. Captain Swearson dropped me off, but not to fundraise, just to lie in the grass and fresh air and sunshine to rest. He said I would feel better.
I realized God was giving me the opportunity to leave the church since now I had no hope. Still, I did not want to abandon God and True Parents, but I just couldn't connect to fundraising. I felt that if Captain tried to drop me off I would refuse.
I heard a voice in my head saying, "Give it one more try." But I would reject it every time. The words to the Pink Floyd song "Brain Damage" kept going through my mind.
The lunatic is on the grass The lunatic is on the grass Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs Got to keep the loonies on the path.
The lunatic is in the hall The lunatics are in my hall The paper holds their folded faces to the floor And every day the paper boy brings more.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon And if there is no room upon the hill And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
The lunatic is in my head The lunatic is in my head You raise the blade, you make the change You re-arrange me till I'm sane You lock the door And throw away the key There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear You shout and no one seems to hear And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.
Every single word of it rang true. I was way past the point of no return. I was slowly going insane and absolutely powerless to stop it. I was free falling off a cliff and simply waiting for impact. I wanted to die.
I really didn't think Captain would try to drop me off again, so when he did I was unprepared. Before I could think to protest, I instinctively grabbed some product -- we were selling beautiful, brightly colored butterflies from South America mounted inside plastic cubes -- and the next thing I knew I was standing on the street with Bill McCarthy.
For once I didn't pray. I just said, "God, if you want to use me to make money, go ahead. I really don't care. And when I get tired, I will stop."
The first person I spoke to bought a butterfly, but I didn't care. Obviously, it wasn't me who did that.
After an hour I was getting somewhat tired. At the last house on the street I said to myself that if these people didn't buy something, I would quit. But they bought two butterflies, so I felt I had to keep going. I ended up with $75 in about three-and-a-half hours. I knew it couldn't have been me. Only God could have sold them.
When I got dropped off again, I had the same mental attitude. I didn't care. This time nothing happened. I changed area, but still no result. There was a park with a baseball field, so I went over to sit on the bleachers. It was warm and pleasant. The sun was getting lower in the sky.
I thought about myself for a while, but it was the just the same old junk about W and what he'd done to me and how nobody believed me. I was so bored with playing all that over and over in my head. I really wanted to pray but didn't know what to pray about. A voice in my head said to pray for America.
Then the voice in my head said, "Do you want to go home?"
"No."
"Do you want to go back to school?"
"No."
"Do you want to live with Leslie?"
"No."
"Do you want a different mission?"
"No."
"Would you like to go fishing?"
"Yes, but I'm not ready."
"Then what do you want?"
"I want to get victory on MFT."
"I will answer any question you have."
For the next 30 minutes I had the most amazing revelation. I don't know if I can write it here accurately. When I asked why I was going through such difficulty, about my ordeal with W, God said, "I had to do it to you. There was no other way I could reach you. I was just waiting for you to give up. I didn't know if you would leave or not."
God seemed very happy, even though I was somewhat confused. I wasn't even sure what I had done. God explained to me how many people in the past had made offerings externally, but not in their hearts. Even though I had been getting victory in the moment, in the long run I would have failed. Like Larry Glasner. Then He said, "Just remember. It's not you. It's not the area. It's Me." He repeated it.
I asked him what was wrong with me physically. He said, "Not too much. Don't worry about it."
I said, "It must be hard for You to talk to someone like me when you have True Father."
"True Father is my loving son, and we have a very special relationship, but it is not unlike this."
God also told me he wasn't done with me yet, that I still needed some work. He said, "In the past, you thought the only way to support your central figure was to bring the highest result, but in reality if you bring the lowest result, in order to support the central figure the most, you have to overcome yourself. This is what will win the love and respect of your brothers and sisters." He said if I can overcome myself in the next few months, then I will have a solid foundation for God to work on.
Then He said, "I love you." He drew my attention to a large cloud, which was catching the rays from the sunset.
"Do you like that cloud?"
"Yes."
"I made it for you."
I decided it was time to try again, so I got up to leave. God said: "One more thing. Don't let Me down. I have made a lot of mistakes raising up central figures in the past, but I've pretty much got it down." I promised that I would not fail.
When Captain Swearson picked me up he was the only person in the van. I told him what had happened. He listened very intently to every word I spoke. Then he gave me a special mission. For the next three days he wanted me to prepare a presentation for the team.
A couple days later I had to take the bus to run some errands in Kansas City. I was sitting toward the back, not really thinking about much of anything. There were only a few other people on the bus. One was a pretty girl about my age, sitting up at the front. I could tell she was looking at me, but I didn't think too much about it. Finally she came over to me, apologized for intruding, and said: "You're glowing. You're radiating a brilliant light. Who are you?"
I was shocked. I certainly wasn't feeling radiant or glowing. I invited her to sit down next to me. I explained to her what had happened the other day in Topeka. I gave her a brief overview of my upcoming presentation to the team. My stop came and I got up to leave. She said she wanted to come with me, but she had a babysitting job to go to and couldn't let them down. I said I understood. I said goodbye and got off.