1980.1.1
It's a new year. A new decade. Hope springs eternal.
I still struggle with what happened in Texas. Standing up to Mr. Kamiyama was definitely a turning point, but it didn't really resolve anything. I still have good days and bad days, though not nearly as severe as before. I guess it's sort of leveling off at a place I can accept and live with. A comfort zone, I heard somebody say.
Nothing ever happened discipline-wise as far as W was concerned, at least not to my knowledge. My insubordination with Mr. Kamiyama earned me a bad rep in MFT. People whisper that I have a gay chapter two problem, which I guess is Mr. K's way of getting back at me. I know it's not true and won't stick, but it still makes me sad anyone would think that anyway. It's not fair. God knows the truth, and on most days that is the only real solace I have. Mostly I just try to focus on the task at hand and not dwell too much on a past I cannot change. I am definitely getting healthier, and that keeps me going.
But I did have an important realization the other night. I guess I sort of knew it all along, but I hadn't really thought about all the implications until now. I had assumed that when I reported the situation about W, first to Michiyo and then up the line, that W was confronted about it immediately and some action was taken, though what I couldn't say. After all, I had a strong track record as a solid and reliable MFT brother and captain. What possible motivation would I have to make up such a horrible accusation against my Abel figure? To me this was self-evident.
Obviously, this was a false assumption on my part. I now realize in a way I didn't before what probably really happened two years ago when I first reported the abuse. W denied the whole thing. I don't know if he tried to pin the blame on me, saying I had done something to him, which wouldn't really make sense because why would I report it and not him? More likely, I think, is he simply said he had no idea what I was talking about and insisted no such thing had ever occurred. Of course, over the past two years I've heard of a couple other brothers who also had a similar experience with him, so I'm sure the truth is gradually emerging. What the outcome will be I cannot guess.
This realization doesn't really fix anything, but it does help me understand why I was treated so poorly even though I was the victim. W's denial made me look like a liar with a severe chapter two problem, so that's how I was perceived and treated. I didn't notice it so much at the time, but I can see it now. No wonder I had a meltdown.
Of course, even though I've been able to move on finally, my sexual feelings for sisters are now a part of my daily struggle. The irony is I'm not so attracted to girls outside the church, with their hot pants and mini skirts and makeup and long hair. I appreciate the physical beauty all right, but my feelings are aroused by the sisters. Maybe it's because I'm around them and know their personalities. I think some of them are exceptionally pretty without any makeup. Their overt attempts at modesty -- the long skirts and bobbed hair and plain appearance -- I find very sexy. It's counterintuitive. I think it's the forbidden fruit syndrome: We crave what we cannot have.
There are a couple of sisters in particular I am developing a strong attraction toward. I'm not worried about falling or doing anything improper with them or anything like that. It just feels nice to be around them. I enjoy their company and even fantasize a little. It makes me happy. I'm human. I'm a sexual being. What I'm feeling isn't a sin. Acting on it would be a sin. Big difference.