In Jin Moon
1. In Jin Nim greeted everyone. Thanksgiving is just around the corner -- I am sure you are busy preparing for the festivities. I am no different with five kids of my own. They are all looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday; family, turkey, and a whole lot of desserts. Now that I work at headquarters I can no longer spend 24 hours preparing the succulent feast that they are accustomed to. Starting last year we decided to celebrate as a family with all the kids at GPA. We have turned our family Thanksgiving into a real family Thanksgiving, and this year will be the same. My family is looking forward to that
2. As I was going about my business, not only are we getting ready for the Thanksgiving holiday, but the Christmas holidays are also around the corner. If you happen to have more than 40 some relatives, Christmas shopping starts quite early. It was a nice reminder for me to get going on that.
3. As I was making my rounds going down the list of all the people I have to cover for the holidays I came across this very interesting sticker that somebody stuck in one of the ladies' rooms at the mall that I went to. It was a little cute sticker. Initially the red color caught my eye against a light gray background. And it said, "menopause, menstruation, mental problems. All of these words start with a men." And somebody stuck this in the ladies room so that all the ladies going through using the restrooms could have a laugh or two.
4. This sticker made me think about what my father and I have talked about for many, many years. When I was first starting out at Divinity School my father asked me what is the biggest problem? What is the hottest conversation piece? What is the most sexy issue that you guys are discussing at the Divinity School. I said, "We have lots of concerns and people from all over the world, people from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds, different economic backgrounds – these people come ready to study and to make their points and let their opinions be heard. But I would really have to say that the great hot topic of the day is, it always comes down to this one issue, the issue between man and woman, and how do we really create unity and how do we develop a true relationship between men and women.
5. After that conversation that I had with my father in the early 90s I was so excited when father made the WFWP, really allowing woman to step up to the plate and lead an active life in the life of faith and really be that voice unto the world, to really compel all of humanity to seek justice, to seek cooperation, to seek harmony and love, and hopefully prepare humanity for great long years of love and peace and harmony.
6. I always thought that if we could find some way to get along and work together without blaming each other for everything. I always felt that in the history of religion, even the story of the Fall, it was basically a story of one blaming the other. It was a blame game. I thought how incredible if we could somehow truly learn to love each other, to trust each other, so that we become those eternal sons and daughters in that we are exercising our 5% responsibility to be that responsible, that true, that awesome son and daughter of God – so that we are ready to live our lives for the sake of others, being responsible for all the things that we need to be responsible for.
7. When I saw that sticker I was reminded, "oh my goodness! Here we go again. All the woman in the world who have felt oppressed, suppressed, and abused – we really want to blame the other sex for all our troubles. I don't know what man had to do with menopause or menstruation, but here we go again, blaming the others for our problems.
8. And that reminded me of something that I saw on a bumper sticker many years ago; "woe to man, = woman." So it is like both sides are blaming each other, constantly, for the problems that we are immersed in, that we are confronted with, that we find ourselves dealing with.
9. When our True Parents (True Parents) come as the True Father and True Mother of humankind, and really encourage all of us to get on that path of building ideal families – and I think a lot of the first generation who came to our movement had this incredible desire, perhaps because they came from broken in homes, came from abusive homes, came from homes where they felt neglected and ignored – you know this message of building an ideal perfect family was too irresistible for a lot of people. And so a lot of you jumped in and said, "I want to build this ideal family."
10. Fast-forward 30 or 40 years and we find ourselves having children of our own, perhaps having in-laws, having an extended family, and we realize that we thought we were asking God to give us this perfect ideal family. But many of us over the years have felt, "God did not give me this perfect family. God did not give me this ideal family. God gave me a whole set of problems and obstacles and trials and tribulations. I thought the kids that would come from our union, Blessed children, would be ideal. They would be borne ideal, go through their childhood ideal, go through adolescence ideal, perfect, pure, angelic.
11. These are the kinds of concepts we've had, but we realize when God promised an ideal family, God gave us exactly that. In that, he gave us a textbook to work through in the course of our lives, to truly understand how we come to love each other and how we come to find that perfect, or that ideal relationship that we can have with each other – whether it be parent and child, husband and wife, or among siblings. In a way we realize that God gave us a family so that we can deal with all these issues. And by going through the experience of building our family we realize that God is teaching us to have the parental heart and to really build the kind of love that is eternal, that's genuine, that's -- that's worth fighting for.
12. When I was thinking about this this morning, and realizing that a lot of the Blessed Families are now thinking towards the next Blessing. We've been having Blessing Workshops across the country, and many parents and many second-generation are sending e-mails with questions on the Blessing. "How can I deal with my family? How can I deal with my spouse? What is the best way to prepare myself for the Blessing? How do I know that that person is the one? How am I sure that this is the person that I want to connect my life to?" These are the kinds of questions that float my way.
13. But every now and then I get this e-mail, what I call the SOS category, where certain couples or certain individuals, in the context of a family, are dealing with very very pressing concerns and difficult issues. They don't know how to handle it. Or the parents, or the siblings, or the child does not know how to handle that family situation. And so they cry out to me, asking me, "In Jin Nim please fix my family. Fix my spouse. Fix my child. Fix my problem."
14. As the senior pastor and as somebody who understands a lot of the issues that all of you are going through, I want to be there for each and every person. But I realize that, many times when we think about the Blessing, and the Blessing is one of the greatest gifts that True Parents bring to all of us, a gift from God. It is really an opportunity for us to graft onto this heavily lineage of God – to change our fallen lineage to a godly lineage and become one family under God.
15. One of the most difficult things about the Blessing that I think a lot of people had yet to deal with is the concept of – Blessing is forever. Blessing is eternal. That is a concept that is really really wonderful. But Blessing presupposes certain things, and that is, just as when you take a college course, some college courses require a prerequisite, a course that you need to take in order to take that course. Blessing is very much like that, in a sense that we have to prepare ourselves to fully understand the magnitude and the gravitas of the responsibility that we are about to enter into.
16. So when a parent reaches out to me saying, "I have a 16 year old daughter. She is mature beyond her age. She is beautiful. She is so perfect. Can she go to the Blessing?" I would be the first one to say, I am so happy to hear that your daughter is wonderful and beautiful, and I'm sure she is, but at 16 years of age she does not really understand the magnitude of the gravitas of this thing, institution, or sacrament that she is entering into.
17. So just as, before you take a college course, it is assumed that you have gone to high school, middle school, elementary school, kindergarten, and nursery. Likewise, when we prepare for the blessing it's not merely sending our kids to enjoy a relationship with another person so that they can live happily ever after. We have to understand that we as parents need to be responsible to make sure that all the prerequisites are in place, before they start college. In a way, the Blessing is kind of like that.
18. Here at headquarters I'm dealing with, not just a lot of blessed couples, but a lot of blessed couples that are struggling. And many of them are struggling because they did not take the prerequisites that are required before you are prepared to take the college course. In other words, they have not made the necessary, profound, life altering decisions, or understand the sense of commitment that puts them in a prepared situation for this incredible gift.
19. I very much like to encourage parents – it's almost like, for instance, if we have a beautiful bag of diamonds that God gave to us, in our care. Saying to us, "please handle with care. Take care of my precious diamonds. Give them to your kids one at a time when they go to the Blessing." This is something that was given to you by God, these precious stones, that symbolize eternity, commitment, and loyalty forever. But if our child has no consciousness, or no understanding of how valuable this diamond is, then the child will not fully appreciate or know what to do with the diamond.
20. My daughter, when she was young, really liked sparkly things. When she would come into my room and I would give her a kiss, she would not be looking at me but looking at my earring. And she would always be looking at my rings. Something that sparkled brilliantly fascinated her. But she had no concept of how valuable our precious it is. I remember once she was playing in my room. I had taken off my ring and she was just thinking that it was no different from any other toy. She thought, in her little mind, "wow! This sparkled so much. I wonder if this would sparkle inside water?" And so, at three years old, she decided to take my wedding ring and throw it into the toilet bowl to see if it would sparkle more brilliantly. She was peering over the toilet bowl and I said to her, "What are you doing Ariana?" And I saw what she was doing. Of course I told her that this is very very precious. But even though I tried to convey this to her, she was not mature enough to understand what it symbolized or what it meant.
21. Likewise, when a child is not emotionally, spiritually ready, for the kind of gift that is as important and profound as the Blessing, then we as parents should not look to the blessing as, almost like handing our child over to another person. "Now my responsibility is done. That child is your problem!" I think as parents many of us would like to do that real soon. It's much easier to send a beautiful child, still in the throes of adolescence, maybe 16 – not having tested the rebellion that is going to rear its head in all of us now and then, and to think that we as parents have done such a great job. Now let's deliver the child of God, or put it in the spouses' hand. We as parents would like to do that.
22. But as responsible parents we have to realize that we have to help the child along a little longer, to understand how important the Blessing is. It's not something you try out and you throw away and then try out again. Understanding that, and hoping that, two people come to this sacrament with a similar understanding of what is required of them, and when they are emotionally spiritually ready. Physical readiness is not the reason that a child should go to the blessing. A child must also be spiritually ready and also emotionally ready to go to the blessing.
23. If they are, then with the support of the parents, the child should go, having found the right person. But if that is not the case, the parents have the responsibility to deal with the beautiful child and take that child, together with the good people of our movement, to really prepare them in the best way. So that when they make that incredible and important decision, it becomes a binding one, and it becomes a committed one, and it becomes a serious one.
24. We realize that in many instances, for various reasons, people don't come to the blessing with the best preparation. And many of us still go to the blessing not knowing who we are. We realize that God has prepared 95% of everything we need. And Divine Principle teaches us we have a 5% responsibility to really raise ourselves to be that great, eternal, son and daughter of God.
25. But many of us enter the blessing not really knowing who we are, and therefore we are not prepared to take on another person in this thing called a relationship or marriage. Many of us think that all we need to do is find another person and then work together and build something, and everything will be hunky-dory, a Cinderella story, or a Snow White story. We will find our Prince and live happily ever after.
26. But when you look at the word "ideal family," God is giving us a hint. We never really hear about Cinderella after she rides off into the glorious sunset with her prince. What happens thereafter? What happens when she marries that Prince charming? I myself dreamed of this knight in shining armor. This handsome prince, tall and intelligent, eyes that are mesmerizing, who will sweep me off my feet and take me to a castle up in the sky. This is what most women or girls dream about.
27. And we realize that when we find ourselves in a Blessed situation, in a marriage, Prince charming is not something that comes prepackaged. We realize, if we want a Prince charming, (there is) work that we need to do together, to turn that into a reality. I think a lot of the people, especially second-generation who're going to the Blessing and have gone to the blessing, have this ideal image in their mind, "I want to create an ideal family. I want to be an ideal spouse. I want to be an ideal couple. I'm going to go to the Blessing and I'm just going to make it work." Well, all good intentions aside, we realize that that is not enough to make their marriage or blessing work. We realize that there is a whole lot of difficult work that goes on.
28. When a person going into the Blessing, feels like they want to commit themselves to this person eternally, they are taking it as a given that the other person going with them feels the same way. But many times, when we are Blessed, we find out that actually we are not like two legs on a body wanting the same things, going the same direction, headed toward the same goal. We realize that because we did not do our homework, we did not properly prepare – and I think the great thing about our True Father, opening up the gate for the Blessing to allow every individual to partake, actively partake in the Blessing process, I believe it's a great blessing. But every blessing comes with responsibility.
29. The responsibility falls on the individual. When the floodgates have been opened up and you can choose your own spouse. To go through the process of understanding whether that person wants to walk the same path you want to walk, wants to go the same direction, has the same purpose that you would like to accomplish together in your life. Because if the interests and directions and goals are different, sooner or later you are going to be faced with a great deal of trouble.
30. And so working out these problems, before you get to the blessing, is probably the ideal thing to do. And so I would really like to encourage all parents, don't be stressed out because your children are not Blessed yet. Help them to be that responsible person, to find somebody that they might be interested in going to the Blessing with. But then encourage that child to take the time to learn and figure out where the person wants to go with his or her life. Regardless of how much the heart is palpitating, how much they think they might be passionately attracted to each other, attraction and passion fall by the wayside very very quickly. If there are no firm ground setting rules that both people can agree on, the marriage would not be a lasting one. Regardless of whether they make it to the Blessing or not, sooner or later they will find out that they want very different things in life.
31. For instance, maybe the boy wants to be an accountant and a banker, but the girl wants to be a missionary. She doesn't want anything to do with money, she wants to live for the sake of others, working in Africa. But this boy doesn't want to leave Wall Street. These are the kinds of questions that the parent and child need to ask themselves. What does my spouse want? What do I want? Are we going in the same direction?
32. But many times this kind of prerequisite course that one would have to take in order to take that college course, has not been done. So many of the questions that are fielded my way deal with a lot of the problems that the individual never solved, or never dealt with, in their individual lives – and therefore have brought into the marriage and now has become a great big monstrous problem.
33. One of those problems that I see over and over again is this issue of addiction. Addiction comes in many many different forms. There are people who are addicted to pornography. There are people who are addicted to alcohol, dealing with drug abuse, dealing with sex, dealing with abuses of power. Addicted to power. Addicted to controlling behavior. In all of these things you realize that it is a problem that the person brought in from their individual lives, many times because they were not raised in an ideal family, they were not raised in the most wonderful, or nurturing or encouraging family. Perhaps their father was (militant). Perhaps the mother was a nonexisting mother in that she never voiced or protected her children against a militant father. Perhaps the child grew up in a family where they felt extremely neglected. Perhaps they grew up in a family where the child was sexually, emotionally, and mentally abused over many many years. And perhaps this child grew up in a family where anger reigned and power reigned, so that the only thing this young child learned was – power works, anger works, those are the only things that get things done.
34. When a child starts discovering their identity at the age of two and they start voicing their opinion, they learn the power of no for the first time in their lives. They also started recognizing that words are incredibly powerful. They realize that just by saying no, they can change the atmosphere of the room. They realize that this one word has incredible power. And so, as a child grows from the ages of 2 to 5 what they end up doing, is not just a massing a whole range of vocabulary that they can utilize and exercise powerfully, but what they are doing is they are basically mimicking what their father and mother are saying, the words that the father and mother use when they address the child. When a child is between the ages of 2 to 5 we realize that they start developing their understanding of their relationship to their parents in terms of role-play.
35. This is done very much by youngsters, either playing with their teddy bears or the figurines, Superman or Batman figurines, or dolls. Everything the child says right here is what the parents say to the child, the child mimics in role-play when she or he plays with their dolls or stuffed animals. Between the ages of 2 to 5 they understand the word as a series of command. When the father and mother says, "Put on your coat. Put on your socks. Clean the dishes. Wipe yourself. Use one utensil at a time." The child will take that command, and in a form of role-play, imitate and repeat the same commands that he or she has heard from the parents. And thereby, where this constant repetition, it becomes an arsenal of their understanding of what the world is like, or what their relationship is like, vis-à-vis the parents.
36. When a child grows up in a family that might not be the most beneficial or encouraging to positive growth, then the child starts internalizing words and commands like, "you are worthless. You are ugly. You are nothing." And then in the role-play you see the child do the same thing with a doll, it's stuffed animal or figuring, you hear the child saying, "You are nothing. You are ugly." And in that way the child constantly repeats what is being said to that child and starts developing its own consciousness of what a relationship is.
37. Many of us, having come to this point where we understand and hear the Divine Principle for the first time, and we realize that we have our True Parents here with us, we have the breaking news with us, we have the opportunity to make right the ills and the wrongs of history, to really turn a suffering life into a positive loving life, we realize that this is an incredible time. But we also realize that not all of us came from the best environments, where the best families. So when we really haven't worked on ourselves, of the way we process information, and the way we repeatedly develop our own understanding of ourselves, our own understanding of how to go about having relationships with others – we realize that all our baggage of not really knowing who we are, not really understanding how to develop a good relationship follows us into our blessed lives.
38. Somebody who had an addiction to pornography – let's say a young man or young woman who has not dealt with their addiction to pornography before their marriage – well, if they have not dealt with it, just because they are married that problem is not going to go away. In fact it will become more pronounced once you enter into a relationship with another person. Because, it is no longer you and this thing that you had a relationship with before, now there is another person involved. And so the complexity of the relationship becomes magnified in the problems that we have as individuals, if we do not take care of it, carries well into our relationship. And many of the couples have a great deal of difficulty handling this in their married life. The same goes for alcohol and drug abuse.
39. Part of the reason why we encourage young people in the audience, as parents – "please try to refrain from drugs and alcohol when you are young and please try to refrain from it as much as possible" because it is not healthy for you physically. It is not healthy for you mentally. And it will not do anything in terms of supporting your emotional health or your spiritual health in your life.
40. Lately the biggest rage nowadays for young people, coming out of the ecstasy scare, is this thing called Spice. A lot of young people taking Spice are thinking, "oh this is not illegal. It's legal. We can buy it in the mall. We can take it. It doesn't do any harm to us. Our parents think it is just (?). We're sticking it into our little bongs and smoking it. It's just incense that we are smoking." But it's not incense. Spice is a deadly drug. It's a synthetic drug. It can alter your brain forever. I think a lot of parents are thinking, "My kids have tried pot here and there. Spice, we hear, is not as bad as pot." No, spice is worse.
Pre-frontal cortex
41. Part of the reason why parents encourage young people to refrain from these substances is the well known scientific fact that the pre-frontal cortex, the part of your brain right here (she points) does not stop developing or growing until you are 25 years old. In other words, that pre-frontal cortex of your brain is the most important part of your brain that controls executive functions. What I mean by executive functions is – the ability to differentiate from right and wrong, multitasking, and at the same time coming up with a synthesis that might give you alternative options, or understanding the importance of delayed gratification – because you understand the consequences of your actions. All these things take place in the pre-frontal cortex of your brain. And when you are not careful with alcohol and when you are not careful with drugs you can severely damage this part of your brain. Meaning, that the executive functions that are necessary to operate as that efficient and competent human being in the course of one's life, become severely damaged and impaired. Meaning, you are not going to be able to differentiate what is clearly right and wrong. You see a lot of criminals and you study their brains, they are dealing with a brain that has a great deal of damage or impairment to the pre-frontal cortex. This is a very important part of the brain that continues to grow until you are 25.
42. We realize that when we look at our kids, when they're 15 or 16 and they look so strong and they look so ready, but not really, because their ability to function as that successful man or woman still has not finished. It is a work in progress.
43. We know that a lot of people are dealing with addiction to drugs and alcohol abuse. And when you are dealing with substance abuse it can truly break a family apart. I know a lot of parents and many many friends who are in this hopeless situation, who are faced with this complete despair. They have no idea what to do. And I know that a lot of these spouses in relationships in which one spouse is heavily addicted to power, heavily addicted to controlling behavior. It is something that is incredibly difficult to overcome. Or if a husband and wife are dealing with anger issues – how to manage one's anger in the context of a relationship is a very difficult and painful process. And I know many many people who have cried their eyes out over this problem with addictions of all different kinds.
44. But when we seek help, and when we seek to really heal ourselves from these things, one of the first and foremost things we have to realize is – we have to be humble. We have to be humble to a point where we want to seek help. I know a lot of parents who are writing me e-mails – please help my child. What I need to tell them is, I cannot help your child until the child wants to be helped. I cannot help your spouse unless he wants to be helped. I cannot help your wife unless she wants to be helped. In order to heal ourselves the person in question must first come to realize that he or she needs help. In other words he's got to be willing to kneel down and pray and ask for help, ask for assistance.
45. In getting the person to that point it's an incredibly painful and a heart wrenching process. But the only way the healing can start is if that person decides to commit to wanting to get better. And then you realize that you really have to be willing to be honest with ourselves in confronting all the fears that that person might have. "What if my parents find out about me? What if they find out I'm not their perfect baby anymore?"
46. Well, a lot of the parents ask me, "In Jin Nim why do you talk about these problems at Sunday service?" I think a lot of parents don't realize, for example pornography, my kids were first introduced to pornography, not just magazines but videos and movies, when they were in the first grade. I think most parents are in denial as to how early these things take place. A joint (pot) was offered to my kids in second grade. This is how early they are exposed. So, if we as parents are not cognizant, or think "they're getting A's, they are doing okay." But if we don't really know the world that they are living in, we are not going to be as effective parents as much as we would like ourselves to be.
47. This is really a chance to speak together as a movement, to discuss the difficult issues at hand. This is how we can work together to bring about a substantial solution so that we can really prepare our kids for a great married life – by tackling these addiction problems early on, before they head off for the Blessing.
48. Many parents ask, "In Jin Nim, if we can come to our senses and be honest with ourselves, and admit that we do have a problem, I have a problem and I have to fix my problem, and there is a certain willingness to commit to work on this problem – then many questions are asked. How do we go about this? This is a family problem. Yes this is a family problem and I think a lot of people, because we live in a spiritual and religious community, think that if we pray, prayer will be good enough.
49. I have some experience in this area, and prayer is not good enough. You need prayer, and then some. You need an action. You need a course of action to follow along with prayer. Relying on God to solve all our problems is really not doing our 5% responsibility, by taking care of ourselves and our families. Right, brothers and sisters? We need to take responsibility for ourselves and our loved ones.
50. When I talk about living for the sake of others, I think a lot of the spouses stuck in abusive relationships, especially substance abuse relationships, feel like, "I don't want my family to be seen as a family with problems. My husband has this problem but I'm just going to do my best to make sure that there is seemingly no problem." I know a lot of spouses are in this predicament. Meaning, they care more about what they look like to the community than dealing with the issue at hand. Well, if we continue to cover up our husband's or our wives problems, if we clean up after our husband or wife, after they have drunk three bottles of vodka and have vomited all over the kitchen floor and are lying there, but because we have kids, because we have in-laws and friends and family, we're just going to clean him up again and act as if nothing has happened.
51. Then what we are actually becoming is codependent -- helping our spouse continue a life of addiction. I think many of us are afraid that if we don't clean up our husband, put nice pajamas on our wives and put them to bed, maybe our sister or brother will judge us – "You're not loving your spouse enough. That's why you're having this problem. You can overcome everything with love. Live for the sake of others. Clean him up. Do whatever it takes." A spouse, the other spouse, is truly dying for the sake of others, but because he or she feels judged by the rest of the family or the community, this abused spouse continues to cover up, clean up, and never really confronts the demon that is plaguing her family.
52. Well, doing whatever an addicted person wants, is not truly loving that person. I have a younger brother who is addicted to power right now. He has stolen the assets of our church and he continues to do whatever he wants, even though the family has reached out time and time again, even though True Parents have reached out time and time again. Sometimes, we as the other members of the family, feel victimized in this sense that the rest of the community is looking at all of us saying, "Why don't you love him? Love more. Love will conquer all." Basically, bend over backward and do whatever it takes. But that is not love. Love is also tough love. Love is also having the courage to face our fears regardless of what people say. We know that we are loving by taking a stand. We know we are loving by going out of our way and extending a hand. But if the other has no desire to be in a reciprocal relationship, there is very little you can do, other than continued the tough love. Because you truly love this person.
53. Likewise, husbands and wives, finding themselves in this codependency state, need to have the courage to listen to all the people who are complaining and persecuting you, for not loving your spouse enough, and to allow him to deal with the consequences of his actions. He needs to be embarrassed. She needs to be embarrassed. They need to hit rock bottom, because if we are always cleaning up the mess, making everything pretty so they never hit rock bottom. Guess what? The addiction will continue and the other spouse will see the blessed life as something they can take for granted. They will never feel the need to change, because regardless of what they do, nothing changes. The wife or the husband will just clean up the mess, make everything look pretty, pretend there is no problem. And if we continue to do this then we will never be able to overcome the addiction and the devastation that takes place, that literally slowly suffocates all the family members involved.
54. I have seen this over and over and over again. And we as a community, we can do our best living for the sake of others by giving these families space to work things out. Sometimes I think well-meaning friends or family members who really don't understand how difficult and how complicated the addiction process is, actually make matters worse. If we really want to help this family, then, instead of talking about them, gossiping about them, not understanding what is going on – well if we don't understand what is going on we should pray for them, not gossip about them.
55. And discreetly (guide) them to seek help. And there is a lot of help out there. We as a religious community must not be afraid to seek help. There are lots of good materials, manuals, and books out there that can help different people dealing with this process, suffering under this process. And there's a great deal of research. When you read all of these books and when you do all this research you realize that a lot of the problems that culminate into these addiction problems later in life, started very very early on, between the ages of two and five – when we start processing all these commands and we start developing our sense of self and our understanding of what our world is all about. And so a lot of the different counselors and therapists really encourage, in a way going back and re-learning these commands. And so there are certain steps that we can work on to overcome this addiction process.
56. Number one is to figure out what the external triggers are. What is the trigger that makes you want to click onto that pornographic site, what is the trigger that makes you want to light up a marijuana joint? What is it? It could be something like a different color or different sound. I know some people who, once they heard the click of a lighter, their addiction was totally inflamed and they had to have that drug – once they heard the click sound of a lighter. These are the external triggers that we need to help our loved ones identify.
57. Then you have to look at, what are the internal triggers that causes them to react, to really want to push that button of addiction. And the internal triggers are not triggers that are caused from the outside but are the triggers triggered from memory. Different things that happened in the person's childhood, things that have happened in the course of your relationship with your spouse, different things that happened in a child in the context of their relationship with you. We need to help our loved ones identify what these internal triggers are. Perhaps the child was sexually abused when he or she was young and the only thing that he or she remembers is the smell of this perpetrator, the cologne that this perpetrator was wearing – something like that is an internal trigger that triggers a child's memory into wanting that addiction button.
58. Then we need to help our loved ones find out what the signals are. When a person is able to identify what the external and internal triggers are, we need to help them understand – if there is incredible pain and desire, "where am I feeling it?" Every time I want to push my addiction button, am I feeling it in my (?), am I feeling it in my stomach, am I feeling it in my side? Where am I feeling it? In my back?
59. These are the things that, just like the way a child, through repetition understands and comes to realize their understanding of their world, in a way, by repeating all the external triggers and internal triggers, all the signals over and over again – like practicing for a grand performance – we educate the brain to be proactive in fighting the addiction that we are dealing with.
60. Another thing that we need to help our loved ones really concentrate on and think about are these things called coolers. Here we have our external triggers that triggers the person to want to practice their addiction, there are the internal triggers that pushes a person to want to push that button again, there is the signal that tells the body that, "oh my goodness the body is getting ready for another addiction fix," then we need to help the person go through what is called coolers – different things that help them slow down, that help them take themselves out of that situation so that they can have time to assess what they are about to do. So, certain things a person might do is to count backwards from 100 to 0, concentrate on breathing, meditation is great, and certain things like different kinds of music can be very very therapeutic for certain individuals. These are the kinds of coolers that we have to help our child or spouse identify – how they can handle their addiction buttons.
61. But the most important thing that we need to help our family members with is this next thing called consequence. The great thing about Blessing is its forever and eternal – means that it goes on forever. But I think that we as blessed central families have to understand that there is this thing called the consequences of our actions – in that many people think we are blessed and matched forever. Regardless of what we do, we are matched forever. No! There are many people in Blessed Families that do not deserve to be Blessed, and do not deserve to be in that last relationship. In other words, Blessing presupposes that those spouses will be loyal and truthful and work towards the same goals. If one is loyal and supportive, but the other is doing whatever they want, you cannot claim that the Blessing is forever. In fact many times the only way a person changes is when a spouse has the guts and courage to say, "Enough is enough. If you honor the Blessing and you honor our relationship you need to change and you need to stop, or I am out of here!"
62. Many times we as Blessed couples don't have the courage to say that. And so the addiction continues. We feel hopeless, because we have to somehow help this person hit rock bottom, and they are hitting rock bottom every day. "But the Blessing is forever. We are stuck forever" No, you cannot change your spouse but you can certainly change yourself. And by changing yourself and having the courage to say the difficult things, that is what's going to change your spouse and that's what's going to give hope for the future of your Blessing.
63. Understanding that the blessing is the most incredible gift that God gives us, we have to realize we cannot take that for granted. If we don't recognize how important it is, or if you are not a member of this union that recognizes that your going to honor the other person just as much as the other person honors you, then you don't deserve the Blessing.
64. This is probably a heretical and surprising thing coming from a senior pastor, but that is how important and profound it is. And the consequences of our actions is something that we have to allow an addictive person to face and to deal with, because that's the only thing that is going to change this person – to want to change and to really be that person committed to getting better.
65. The next thing we have to realize is to really help our loved one understand the importance of social skills. An addictive behavior, or a person addicted to all these things, is not a socially competent person. It is somebody who is totally immersed in the self. It's me, myself, and I. Nothing else exists other than you and the fix you need to get. And when we develop social skills – and that is part of the reason here at Lovin' Life Ministries we are encouraging the youth to develop healthy social emotional spiritual skills by different things – like ballroom dancing. We have to learn how to deal with the opposite sex, not just look at them as body parts, like the way we have conditioned ourselves to look at the other sex as – as if we are only looking at pornography. By understanding and developing a true and a genuine relationship with the opposite sex, then you can overcome this difficulty and realize that the opposite sex is much more than a body part.
66. And you can realize that when we commit to this addiction of pornography, that we are not doing something in the confines of our ---, just in secret, but actually we are affecting the whole world. You are taking part in the human trafficking that exists all around the world, that is one of the fastest growing industries in the world. And if were going to tackle that industry we have to start with ourselves, we have to work on working on our fix, our desire to get that fix. Because it's not just some silent, doesn't hurt anybody activity, between you and the computer, you are actually hurting a great many men and women all around the world.
67. And so we realize that all the things we need to do as a community in order to create this beautiful culture of love and harmony and peace, it really starts with all of us. And it really starts with all of us taking responsibility for ourselves. And that means, being prepared and doing all the prerequisite courses that are advised, that are recommended, before we send our children off to the Blessing. And when we do send them off, don't look at the Blessing as – almost like a preventative organization because we are so worried about our children falling. Guess what? If we are afraid of our children falling before, and we are thinking that marriage is the only cure for our fears, they are going to fall anyway, if they want.
68. What we need to do as parents is to help them, prepare them, and help them wait, to not want to do that – because they don't just want a boy to love or girl to love – they want a relationship that will be long-lasting.
69. Brothers and sisters, as a mother and as a member of this community, I have seen a great deal of suffering, on many many different levels. I have known many many people that have been affected by this problem of addiction. But we as a community really need to approach this with a sense of love, but also give each other the courage to tackle our problems in our families, give each other the space, but also encourage each other to seek help so that we can overcome this very difficult and monsters problem that has torn many many families apart.
70. As you go forward, one of the things I want to remind the congregation, and to remind my children, and myself – I have certainly had my moments of despair and this passage has helped me greatly. It's from the Good Book, Proverbs, chapter 4:20-22. It says, "Pay attention my child to my words. Listen carefully. Don't lose sight of my words. Let them penetrate deeply within your heart, for they will bring life, radiant health to all, to anyone, who discovers the true meaning." In a way this is what God wants us to remember. God wants to tell us – "pay attention in the midst of your suffering and difficulties, pay attention to my words. Listen carefully. Listen! Don't be so quick to blame, to throw words, to play hot volley, or tennis, by ping-pong game of words, but listen carefully. Do not lose sight of my words. Let them penetrate deeply into your hearts. Meaning – own my words."
71. And what are God's words to his children? What do we as parents say to our children? When I was faced with one of my moments of despair, this Bible verse really helped me so much. When I was deep in prayer I heard a voice that said, "You, you are good. You are my eternal daughter and you were born to love your life." This is what God said to me, and this is what God says to anybody else who is going through this problem. --- and remember what God is saying, in other words you are God's eternal sons and daughters. You are good. You know? I know the spouses, dealing with spouses with these problems, are being persecuted, being misrepresented, and not understood. Because tough love is difficult for many people to understand. But tough love -- it's got a be. We have to be strong. We have to be willing to persevere, to yield the kind of result that will be beneficial for our family, because it's worth fighting for.
72. Brothers and sisters, continue to listen to what God is saying, that you are good, you are good people. And you are his eternal sons and daughters and you were certainly not born to live a miserable life, but to love your life. This is what God said to me and I know this is what God will, and continues to say, to all of you.
73. Always remember our Heavenly Parent, remember He loves us, She loves us eternally, and wants the best for us and wishes to see us succeed – and so do our True Parents. So have courage, bear your burdens with dignity, and work. Be willing to work on the difficulties at hand. And if you do so you will be able to overcome the difficulties and all the trials and tribulations that are beset before you. And know that you are never alone. True Parents are with you and we are with you. Lovin' Life is with you. So know, going, that you are loved.
74. And in this time of Thanksgiving take the time, in a wonderful way to thank someone --- give of yourself. Celebrate family, Turkey, the good old apple pie and pumpkin pie, and I wish you happy holidays and God Bless, Thank you.
Notes:
The Books of Proverbs, chapter 4
1: Hear, O sons, a father's instruction,
and be attentive, that you may gain insight;2: for I give you good precepts:
do not forsake my teaching.3: When I was a son with my father,
tender, the only one in the sight of my mother,4: he taught me, and said to me,
"Let your heart hold fast my words;
keep my commandments, and live;5: do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth.
Get wisdom; get insight.6: Do not forsake her, and she will keep you;
love her, and she will guard you.7: The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom,
and whatever you get, get insight.8: Prize her highly, and she will exalt you;
she will honor you if you embrace her.9: She will place on your head a fair garland;
she will bestow on you a beautiful crown."10: Hear, my son, and accept my words,
that the years of your life may be many.11: I have taught you the way of wisdom;
I have led you in the paths of uprightness.12: When you walk, your step will not be hampered;
and if you run, you will not stumble.13: Keep hold of instruction, do not let go;
guard her, for she is your life.14: Do not enter the path of the wicked,
and do not walk in the way of evil men.15: Avoid it; do not go on it;
turn away from it and pass on.16: For they cannot sleep unless they have done wrong;
they are robbed of sleep unless they have made some one stumble.17: For they eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.18: But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn,
which shines brighter and brighter until full day.19: The way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know over what they stumble.20: My son, be attentive to my words;
incline your ear to my sayings.21: Let them not escape from your sight;
keep them within your heart.22: For they are life to him who finds them,
and healing to all his flesh.23: Keep your heart with all vigilance;
for from it flow the springs of life.24: Put away from you crooked speech,
and put devious talk far from you.25: Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.26: Take heed to the path of your feet,
then all your ways will be sure.27: Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot away from evil.