As Good As It Gets

1976.1.19

Enough of this retrospective garbage. This is now.

Yesterday was a three-star day. We heard Father speak at Belvedere for Sunday service. He spoke for three hours, but I cried through the first two. I felt so close to them, especially when I looked at Mother. She looked so serious, even though Father was often making us laugh. They know us so well. We are such infants in their eyes. If we knew some of the things they knew, it would probably be too much to bear. He spoke very simply about good and evil.

Later that day mom and dad came over to Jacob House. Bob and I had gone over to see them the night before at the Holiday Inn, but we did not stay long or talk too much. But when they came over today I was able to talk to them for the first time, maybe in my whole life. They liked the atmosphere of the house right away, and I told them we were the Unification Church founded by Sun Myung Moon. Of course they knew that already and had read and heard many negative things, but said they wouldn't judge until they had seen me. Their concern was only that I was being held against my will. Even Reverend McKim at their church in Dover told them not to worry, that even if the UC was bad I would only take what was valuable for me and leave the rest. In any case, I would be a stronger individual for it. Also, my letters had been a source of comfort to them.

As soon as we were alone, though, they just broke down and cried. They were so happy to see me. I looked so different. I was clean and well groomed and wearing nice clothes. They could see that I had become what they had always hoped and prayed for. We spoke much of my childhood and how they always believed that someday I would find God.

Brothers and sisters at Jacob House were really so great in giving them God's love, and they just knew that all the negative publicity was unfounded. They even said they now realized they could never have understood if they had not come to see me.

We went for a walk down to Belvedere, but dad complained about the cold. Bob showed up with the car and gave us a tour of the estate and then took us back to Jacob House. Then they left for home, but not before saying what a great and wonderful day it had been for them.

Now that HF has blessed my family with this unity, I must take it and work with this foundation.

Barry's parents also came and were positive, and the same with Jeff Hewson's. I even had a chance to share the experience I had with my parents at family meeting, and I ended by reading a letter dad had written me a couple days before but gave to me yesterday. While they were here at lunch time, mom even asked the blessing and many brothers and sisters told me how much they liked my parents, especially when my mother said grace.

Not until that moment did I fully realize what special parents I had been blessed with. They have set a good condition by coming here. Dad even said he was going to send to New York for a copy of Divine Principle.

Mark Goodman, a brother from Oakland whom I came to New York with, was kidnapped as he and his team leader and his uncle walked back from Howard Johnson's. They fought, but Benji-san was sprayed with mace and they got Mark. Someone saw it happen and called the police, and when they came to the motel room, Mark said, "Arrest them! I've been kidnapped!" So now Ted Patrick is behind bars.

Last night a very special sister, Linda Mackenzie, shared for several hours about her life before the family and her life in the family, much of which she spent serving True Parents at Belvedere. She related many tender, precious moments when the heart of True Parents was really expressed on the individual level. Of course, we would all like to be with True Parents, and they would like to be with us, but that is impossible. So HF chooses a person like Linda to be close to them and have many personal experiences that she can share with us. Then they become our experiences too.

The most beautiful thing she shared was when Father came up to one of the blessed children, a baby which Linda was holding, and he stroked the baby's cheek with the back of his hand and then he took the baby's clenched hand and uncurled the fingers one by one and kissed the palm of the baby's hand and then folded the fingers back. It was so beautiful, that scene in my mind. I felt a wave of warmth come over me of pure and simple joy. That is the true love of a father for his child. That is true parents. 

The Secret to Fundraising

1976.1.25

This is the last day at Jacob House of the 21-day MFT training workshop. We heard Father this morning for the sixth time since we've been here. He is on his way to Korea today or tomorrow. He said his mission there is very important and it may be months before he returns.

This morning we had our workshop photo taken at the Holy Rock at Belvedere after morning service. Since this is the first workshop of 1976, the bicentennial of America, Patrick Hickey said Father took a special interest in us and that's why he spoke to us so many times. He spoke to us several days ago, just before we were to go out on a three-day fundraising mission as the final part of our MFT training. We were just about ready to leave when Father practically popped into Jacob House unannounced.

He spoke for about an hour or so, but the really amazing thing was that he stood right in front of me, as I was in the front row, and many times he looked directly at me as he spoke. And then David Kim would lean over and look straight at me and translate. Father spoke about many things, like how fundraising is really front-line work, and he also spoke about the kidnappings and parents. But mostly he seemed to be emphasizing that this particular time was extremely critical and we would have to be faithful no matter what, even at the cost of our lives. I really can't explain the sensation I had sitting at the messiah's feet like that.

Someone said that Yankee Stadium is like the Garden of Gethsemane and that it was just so serious and deep that we really had to pray to understand. So I have been doing that, trying to put together the things Father said this morning with other bits of information, but I haven't come up with anything conclusive yet.

After Father spoke we left for our three-day fundraising trip. The object, I believe, was to endure a lot of persecution, since we went to Hempstead, Long Island, where publicity about the church has been the most negative. It was tough. Satan was really out to destroy the old confidence. But we persevered and pulled through.

On the first night I was dropped off in the Cherry Valley Shopping Center parking lot. There were hardly any people around. It was well below zero and the wind was really blowing. Someone said the wind chill was minus 43. But I really didn't feel that cold. Anyway, Bob finally came by after I vowed that I would stay out until hell froze over. Then I realized hell had frozen over.

Bob bought me a cup of tea and let me warm up a bit in the van. Then he kicked me out for one last hour. It was really cold at first, even though I had been out all evening. But after being in the van with the cup of tea, it suddenly seemed much colder than it had been.

I made up my mind that I would overcome and just concentrate on making $8. Right away I sold two boxes of zoomers, the kind of candy we were selling, for $3 and another box for $2, but it was quite a while before I could get anyone else to respond to anything except the cold. Then a truck van with the name "Goliath" painted on the side cruised by. That made me really determined to beat Satan.

The wind started blowing harder, but I stuck it out and finally sold another two boxes for $3 and somehow made my goal. I think the person felt sorry for me because at first he said no, just like everyone else. So I told him, sort of begging I guess, that I only needed to make $3 to reach my goal and then I could stop and get out of the cold. So he said okay.

After Bob picked me and everyone else up we went to Burger King for dinner, where the security guard was a pentecostal who kept talking about the second chapter of Acts and how that was the only way to meet the Lord.

Nothing much happened the next day, except I got persecuted a lot. Then I finally made a breakthrough in my attitude toward the people. Until then I had been arrogant in my attitude, feeling I was better than them because I knew the truth. A lot of times I made accusations under my breath after someone would reject me, but I learned that that is a really bad condition, since spirit world is affected by everything we do and say.

So I started saying "God bless you" no matter what they said, and in prayer I came to the realization that Satan had no claim over us now that we know the truth about how he lied and tricked us in the Garden of Eden. I saw that the people of this world do not know the truth about Satan and they are really trying to do their very best in a world dominated by evil. So it was not fair for me, who does know some truth, to accuse those who know little or no truth. Anyway, this helped me change my attitude. But it is just a beginning and now I have to work to change my heart and really feel deep compassion, or parental love, for these people. Hopefully this will significantly improve my fundraising results.

Yesterday, the third and final day of our three-day trip, I was doing some door to door in a residential area and I remembered what Father had to say about successful fundraising. He said we need to believe in spirit world. So as I was walking between houses, I asked myself if I really believed in spirit world, and I answered of course I did or I wouldn't be there. On the other hand, I have never seen spirit world though I've had what could probably be called spiritual experiences.

Just then I spotted a dollar bill on the step of the house I was walking up to. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. The lady at that house also bought a box, so I thought that was pretty interesting.

On the van ride back to Jacob House, I sat next to a brother named Mark who had been in the church for about two years. He told me he used to be gay but wasn't anymore after learning Divine Principle. He was very matter-of-fact about it. I really didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. We were counting our individual results for the day and Mark had made a lot more than me. But Mark said it wasn't very much compared to what he usually makes. He told me he had already been on MFT for a year and was having some spiritual struggles so his MFT commander sent him to Jacob House for a "booster" workshop.

I thought Mark seemed a little sad the 21-day workshop was over and he would be going back on MFT again. I think for him Jacob House had sort of been a vacation. I couldn't really relate to that because I was excited to be joining MFT. Father himself said it was the most important thing we could be doing, especially with Yankee Stadium coming up.

Everyone at Jacob House, more than 100 people, have been divided up into groups and assigned to different MFT regions around the country. Right now we are getting ready to leave. I'm going to Texas. 

MFT: Panzer Division

1976.1.30
Little Rock, Arkansas

We had a very, very interesting trip down from New York. Before we even got across the Tappan Zee Bridge we blew a tire. While we were waiting for Doug to come back with a spare a wrecker came to push us off the bridge, but as we were changing lanes we got hit by a car-carrier truck, which almost did push us off the bridge -- into the Hudson.

We finally got on the road again and stopped in Winchester, Virginia, at McDonald's for dinner. When I was in the high school marching band, Winchester was where we used to come every spring for the Apple Blossom Festival Parade.

The parade was always secondary to our desire to party. Some guys would sneak liquor from their parents in Listerine bottles, and almost everyone would buy fireworks because they were legal in Virginia. Then back at the motel we would take little nips of Southern Comfort from the mouthwash bottle and fire bottle rockets at each other around the motel pool. The chaperones would sometimes yell at us to quiet down, but they never seemed too concerned, as long as they didn't catch anyone doing anything really out of bounds.

It was on the Winchester trip during my junior year that Leslie, who was a freshman and also played trumpet in the band, and I first started going together. We had gone out a few times before, but I had been through a very hard break-up the year before and I wasn't too eager to get too involved again. But Leslie was very pretty and sweet and I liked her and I could tell she liked me. One night at the motel we were alone and started making out. After that we were together all the time.

So I had some memories in Winchester, but the McDonald's we were at was out near the interstate and not anyplace I recognized. It looked like just another commercial strip in America. We could have been anywhere. After we finished eating we all piled back in the van and got back on the highway headed toward Texas.

About 200 miles later someone noticed that a brother named Bruce wasn't in the van. Our Abel figure for the trip, a brother named Jack, didn't want to call New York. I think it was because he knew he'd get yelled at by Mr. Kamiyama, who is head of the national MFT. Maybe Jack was hoping nobody would find out if we just went back and got Bruce. I also think it was Jack's first leadership responsibility and he was anxious not to fail.

So Jack told the driver to turn around and we drove 150 miles through the night back toward Winchester before he finally stopped about 3 o'clock in the morning and called New York. We lost a whole day driving the extra 300 miles. It turned out to be a wasted trip. Bruce had waited about an hour at the McDonald's and when we didn't come back, he called New York and they wired Bruce money for a bus ticket. A short time later he was on a Greyhound to Dallas. We had probably passed him in the dark on our way back. We also found out in the phone call that our destination had been changed to New Orleans.

We arrived in New Orleans yesterday and went fundraising almost right away. But Mr. Hayashi, the commander, decided to send me to an MFT team in Arkansas. At first he was going to send me to New Mexico, but I guess HF changed his mind. This made me really happy because the captain of the Arkansas team was Richard Panzer. He was famous on MFT as one of the top sellers in the country. To be assigned to his team was a huge blessing.

So Mr. Hayashi put me on a plane in New Orleans that took me to Memphis and then to Little Rock. Richard picked me up at the airport a couple hours later and immediately dropped me off with some candy to go fundraising. We didn't even go to the apartment where the team lived to drop off my suitcase and sleeping bag. It was great. I was officially on MFT. I thanked God for allowing me to follow Father's indemnity course.

Immediately I noticed the people here were not like people in Long Island. These were good, simple Christian folks, salt of the earth. Most of them weren't rushing around. They would stop and talk to you, even if they didn't buy. Every time someone said no, I repented to HF for not being able to love them enough to make them give. I felt certain that in time I would be able to crush Satan here and bring a high result for heaven.

At the end of the day we went back to the MFT center, which was really just a cheap efficiency apartment with no furniture. Every place I had lived in the church so far had had at least some sparse furnishings. A sofa and some chairs, maybe a few tables and lamps. But this place was completely bare, right down to the wooden floors. There were no dishes or silverware in the kitchen or anything to cook with. Only some paper cups. To anyone else it would have looked vacant.

We counted the day's result -- $787.12, almost $400 of it made by Richard -- and made a prayer offering it to God. Then Richard helped me with my selling pitch, making my spiel shorter and coaching me on how to make my delivery more effective. He demonstrated for me. It was amazing to watch. His face suddenly lit up, so earnest and smiling. He seemed overly excited, like a child on Christmas morning, even though he was a grown man with a 5 o'clock shadow.

When he spoke it caught me by surprise. He didn't yell, but his voice was louder than necessary, and his speech was very peculiar, almost sing-song. When he said "Arkansas," he put the emphasis on the last syllable so it came out as "Ar-kan-SAW!" It was hypnotic. He could instantly dominate another person's spirit with his voice, and yet because of his relatively small size and his joyful, childlike demeanor, no one could feel threatened. It immediately became apparent to me why he was so successful. No one could say no to him.

The other brothers on the team, Kent and Tim, watched Richard as he demonstrated his selling technique. But they didn't show any emotion. I guess they'd probably seen it many times already. To me they mostly just looked tired.

But I'm thrilled. Already I feel total oneness with Richard as my Abel, my central figure. If I can copy him and keep a vertical connection to God, which I know I can, I'm certain I can become a top seller too. I have no doubt I'll get the victory. I think I'm going to like Arkansas very much. 

This Isn't So Hard

1976.1.31

Today was my first full day of fundraising on MFT. I made $231.45 in Conway, Arkansas. Right away, when I was dropped off, I was going to store some product at this little place, a gas station, and the lady who worked there came out and bought a box, which was obviously a good sign. I tried the shorter, more direct approach that Richard had taught me and it was quite effective.

I also prayed constantly, repenting for my fallen nature and for not loving True Parents enough and for not loving the people enough.

Everyone else on the team said they were struggling, so I suppose they were paying indemnity for me. But by the end of the day we had $195 team average. I will have to be careful now not to get cocky or arrogant. I'll have to work harder tomorrow than I did today. But that is the sacrificial way of indemnity. 

Steak Through My Heart

1976.2.1

Today was an amazing day. Tonight we are in Hot Springs, Arkansas, after fundraising in Russellville all day.

Richard shared many things about fundraising that I have experienced in the past two days. For instance, having a repentful attitude for not loving the people enough, especially these Christian people in the Bible Belt. He says we need to love them as God does. God has saved America because of their purity, even though the rest of the country is going to the dogs.

Today I met a family that reflected such purity, and I felt my own fallen, tarnished nature so clearly as I was talking to them. I was ashamed that God has to reach these people through me, yet these are the people who must come to True Parents. Richard says these are the people in America that God loves the most.

Our team gained a new brother, Robert, who used to handle product in Dallas. Then we went to Sirloin Stockade and I had the first steak since I came to the family. It was so delicious and fantastic to have real food after so many months of group meals consisting mainly of rice and vegetables. I savored every juicy bite. I didn't realize how much my body has been craving protein that doesn't come from Burger King or McDonald's.

Yesterday, in Conway, I had lunch at Holly Farm's Fried Chicken. I just needed to taste some real meat. I devoured it all: three pieces of chicken, cole slaw, mashed potatoes with gravy, biscuit and a large soft drink. It was pure heaven. It made me so happy that I ran around selling for the next two hours. For the first time, I didn't feel guilty about eating my fill because I knew it was for a higher purpose. I was using the energy to battle Satan on the front line, taking the blessing away from him, one dollar at a time.

Such a contrast from San Francisco. Back at Washington Street I was hungry all the time. We only had liquid breakfast and then such meager meals during the day, and never any meat or fresh fruit. It was too expensive. I used to get so hungry that I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen, which was a forbidden. We weren't supposed to take any food because the sisters who worked in the kitchen said it belonged to HF, not to us. A sister caught me one time and really scolded me.

But I couldn't help it, not that there was anything to eat anyway. The only thing I could ever find in the pantry was bulk peanut butter, which was dry and not very tasty. If the coast was clear, I would quickly put some on a piece of bread and sprinkle brown sugar on it and then go eat it in secret somewhere. It would make the gnawing in my stomach go away for a little while, but then I'd feel accused, like I had committed a sin. I'd feel so guilty I'd often end up fasting the next day, which even then seemed ironic. Now that I think about it, I fasted a lot back in San Francisco. I guess I thought that if I was going to be hungry all the time, I might as well make it an offering to HF.

One time I snuck into the kitchen late at night and found another brother doing the exact same thing. I found out there were others who did it too. Only people who had their own money could afford to go out and buy something at a grocery store or restaurant. The rest of us had to rely on group meals.

Just for the food alone, MFT has been a great blessing.

After the steak dinner we went out and sold for a few hours and then went to see "Treasure Island." It will be our last entertainment for a while. Tomorrow begins a 21-day competition for the entire national MFT as we prepare for Yankee Stadium.

This is going to be a year of great change. 

Something in the Water

1976.2.2

Today was a very interesting day. I started out selling in downtown Hot Springs. It's a unique town, situated on top of natural hot springs that many people believe have therapeutic and even healing powers. There's a slight smell of sulfur in the air, but I quickly got used to it. A lot of places I went into to fundraise were spas where the thermals had been turned into pools or tubs that you could pay a fee and soak in. I think I would like that, especially after being on my feet running around all day, but no time for that now.

This morning during morning service Richard spoke again about finding God in ordinary people because everyone, even fallen man, has some spark of their original nature, God's nature, still living inside. In some people their heavenly nature is more obvious because they are so pure and righteous, but in other people it is harder to see. So we have to pray and look beyond the external to see it, and when we can see it, then the spirit world can inspire that person to give.

It came into my head that God could, and probably does, take a physical form sometimes, maybe fully inhabits the body of an ordinary person briefly. I decided my internal goal for today was to meet God. After I prayed about it, I believed that someone I spoke to today would actually be HF, so I had to treat everyone like they might be the one.

I had been selling in downtown for a couple hours and I wanted to stop for a few minutes to pray and re-energize and refocus. I went into the bank and went straight to the restroom in the back of the lobby. I didn't want to fundraise inside yet, just in case I got kicked out, which was possible. So I went inside the restroom and prayed to be united with Richard's spirit.

When I came out, there was Richard in the lobby. It was quite a shock to see him. At first I wasn't sure what he was doing, but then I saw him hand over two bulging vinyl bank pouches that we kept our money in. I realized he was wiring our team result from the last few days to MFT headquarters in New York. It made sense. It was several thousand dollars, and it would be foolish for us to carry around that much money for no reason. Satan would be tempted to steal it back. I waited a few minutes and then Richard left. He didn't see me.

A few minutes later I was in the bank vice president's office, sitting across from him behind his big wooden desk. Something about him seemed familiar. He reminded me a lot of the man in the Mercedes convertible who picked me up in San Francisco and took me to Imoe's house after I had left Jerry at Big Sur. He had the same hair and same build and same calm, fatherly appearance.

And I just started pouring my heart out to him about the Unification Church and Reverend Moon and how much joining the church had changed my life and made me want to be a better person. I don't remember exactly what I said, but he said I reminded him of his own son, who was away in the military. Then he got up from behind his desk and walked over to me and hugged me, a deep, long embrace like a parent. He smiled at me and told me how grateful he was I had come into his office. He gave my $5 and told me to get myself a nice hot lunch.

I was overwhelmed with emotion. I went down the street to the lunch counter and ordered the special, a plate of ribs with two sides. I cried the whole time I was eating, knowing God himself wanted me to be strong and healthy so I could accomplish my mission.

After lunch I went back out with a higher spirit and more determination than I'd ever felt before. It seemed everyone gave, and it a short time I had $70. I was going shop to shop in a black section of downtown, still doing well, and some dude took my box of candy and started heading for the door. At first I wasn't sure what to do, so I followed him outside and just called out to him and gave him my spiel as he walked away, pretending to ignore me. I didn't know how, but I was determined to get the candy back somehow. Then he ducked inside another business and went into the bathroom.

I didn't follow but stayed outside the bathroom and prayed for guidance. Then he came out and said he was going across the street to get me my money. I stayed with him. Eventually he just gave up and pushed the box back to me, saying he was just playing with me. I was glad to get my product back, but the experience complete ruined my concentration and momentum. I felt completely off center. I hardly sold anything after that.

Later I ended up outside a Piggly Wiggly, fundraising the parking lot as people came out with their groceries. It was a perfect situation to sell because they had to take a minute to put the bags in their car, which gave me the opportunity to give them my spiel. A lot of people would say they spent all their money in the store, or that they were diabetic, but sometimes a person would buy a box of candy just to make me go away. I didn't care why they bought. I needed to make my goal.

Then two cars showed up. One was from Ohio and had a license plate 9559HB and the other was from New Mexico with a plate AK5599. The similarity of the numbers seemed more than a mere coincidence, since nothing happens by chance or accident, but I couldn't figure out the significance. I wish I knew more about numerology. According to the Principle, the number 5 has something to do with the five senses, and the number 9 represents the stages of growth back to God. So I guess it could have been a sign to remind me that I had to restore all of my five senses -- my five physical senses and my five spiritual senses -- through all the growth stages to return to God.

That night when we were blitzing bars and restaurants I went over to the bowling alley behind McDonald's. I wasn't selling anything and felt I was still off-center from almost having my product stolen earlier in the day. Then I spoke to the cleaning lady at the bowling alley, a woman named Mae, and for no apparent I was suddenly overwhelmed with incredible love for all the people there. Even though I had fundraised to everybody and sold nothing, I wanted to stay there with them. Then the manager came over and kicked me out.

Tomorrow starts a 120-day prayer condition for Yankee Stadium. 

Why, Buford, Why?

1976.2.5

Today is True Parents' birthday. Happy birthday.

Yesterday we were in Stuttgart, Arkansas, where I had my best day yet with $232. Physically I had to fight it out. My left ankle and thigh bothered me, so I set many running conditions to overcome. Today they hardly bothered me at all.

We were in Helena and West Helena, Arkansas, today. Spiritually it was really good. I felt the spirit of True Parents for the first time, where it lasted the whole day. I could concentrate on loving the people and it was just so good. Everyone on the team felt the same spirit. Kent broke $200. Tim did well. Robert broke through. I made $186.

We quit early, around 7:30, to celebrate True Parents' birthday. We had spaghetti, which was great after fasting yesterday in Stuttgart. Then we went out to a movie, "Walking Tall, Part II," which was pretty good, a true story of Principle in action. God was always protecting Buford as long as he was fighting for goodness, so that even though he had many attempts on his life, God always saved him. But when he quit being sheriff, then Satan invaded and killed him in June of 1974.

Tonight we are in Clarksdale, Mississippi, where we will fundraise tomorrow. Richard has asked me to drive the team tomorrow. I accept the challenge. 

Slap Me Silly

1976.2.16
Fort Smith, Arkansas

This competition leaves one pretty exhausted most of the time, so I haven't had much of a chance to write in this journal.

Clarksdale, Mississippi, was where we made a $200 team average for the first time. I drove that day and it felt like an important symbolic victory because Clarksdale is where the legend of the crossroads is. It's said that bluesman Robert Johnson sold his soul to Satan at the crossroads one night a long time ago, and ever since then it's been part of the local folklore. So I think making a $200 team average helps loosen Satan's claim on this town.

In Cleveland, Mississippi, we ran into Aiden Barry's 71st Street MFT from New York, and we have been running behind them all across Arkansas. So many towns we hit were burned out. We suffered and struggled so much our second week of competition. No one could seem to break through.

In Newport, the town really had it out for us. We got a traffic ticket the night we arrived and we all got arrested the next day for soliciting without a permit: mugshots, fingerprints, even a short stay behind bars until Tim could get the money from the van to bail us out. It was very educational.

Richard talked to the detective for a long time about Divine Principle and the Bible, but finally the detective was so spiritually defeated he threw us in jail.

After a few more towns we hit Jonesboro, where we were once again hauled in for soliciting without a permit. But they didn't book us. They just told us to knock it off. Now we are in Fort Smith.

Last Saturday night I made $300 in the Woolco parking lot in the Phoenix Shopping Center, but except for that we have been struggling very much. Today we got a Japanese sister, Mariko, on the team, so our spiritual problems should be solved and we can have a truly unified team.

Recently I have taken to slapping my face really hard, beating myself up in order to feel God's heart. It's kind of scary to think about, but it works.