No More Regrets

1976.9.6

Satan attacked very hard today. The team only averaged around $80. I managed to squeak out $141 after a little overtime. I am sure the money only could come on the foundation of this last week.

Today Kimiko told me that this third week was perfection stage for me. The first week was when Jack, Michael and I were together in the small car and I made my goal every day except Monday and Sunday, the first and last days of the week, which Kimiko said were most important. The second week I fulfilled every day except Monday, the first day, and ended the week yesterday with a $200 average.

Kimiko said now I don't need to focus so much on making money but can focus more internally on loving the people. The money will come automatically because I got victory.

Today was a fierce battle in Fort Smith, the town where I first made over $300 on Richard Panzer's team in February. This final week I determined to challenge $350 every day and not end the day with less than $140. More and more I am coming to just have faith in God and forget my own concepts about making money.

When I think about Washington Monument being so close, I realize that never again for eternity will we ever have the chance to overcome so much in such a short amount of time. We will never have this chance again to serve True Parents on the individual level.

All my life I have looked back in regret. But this time I am determined to leave behind a legacy of victories. All things that we do are recorded for eternity spiritually and historically. We are in the spotlight and everyone is watching with keen interest.

The victory of Washington Monument depends on individual and team victories, especially mine. 

Obelisk Oblique

1976.9.17

We have been in Washington, DC, for one day. Now everything is totally focused on tomorrow's rally at the monument. But I have not come with the victory I had anticipated. The final day of the third week, I didn't fulfill. It was a Sunday and Captain Turegano took me to Harrison, Arkansas. But I only made $66. Satan invaded my offering to God.

Now I feel I have nothing to offer except my repentance. At first I felt so bad from my own level for not having gained the victory on the individual level. Later I realized I had let down my captain and brothers and sisters. Victory is stimulating to all. Our team did do well the week I made $200 average, but now I feel like Abraham, who successfully sacrificed the heifer and the ram but at the final moment was invaded by Satan when he failed to sacrifice the dove. I feel God could almost forgive Abraham because he did not realize what he was doing for God's providence.

But I know the Divine Principle, so I don't feel that my betrayal of God's trust will be easily forgiven or restored, though I am determined that it must. I tried to indemnify my failure on the last three days of fundraising before we left Arkansas to come to Washington. But I made less than $100 each day. Team results dropped again. The whole team has struggled. I feel directly responsible.

The reason Satan was able to invade was because I openly complained to God about my brothers and sisters not fulfilling their goals and so the result had to be made by me. I completely betrayed God's trust by such a display of faithlessness and ingratitude.

Tomorrow Father will speak for the last time before the entire world. We have been told that all of our failures will be wiped away with this victory. Still, I feel a loss at not being able to make a pure offering to True Parents. Perhaps through prayer I can indemnify this failure, but there is no time. 

View From the Top

1976.9.17 (cont.)
Washington, DC

Today we handed out papers and fliers for the rally and I got rid of my stack at a traffic light near the monument, so I decided that I just had to go to the top. At the base near the orientation center I ran into Noah, the Principle lecturer at Boonville, but he was sort of spaced out because he had just lost his camera. But he did remember my name, which surprised me.

At the top I saw Commander Hayashi. At first I was afraid if he saw me he'd get angry, but I decided I had a responsibility to say hello to him. By the time I got around to where he was he was going down the stairs. I called to him, but he didn't hear me, so I went and looked out toward the Lincoln Memorial.

Below me, on the edge of the monument lawn, they were building the stage where the messiah would give his final speech to the entire world. I tried to comprehend the magnitude of what was about to happen. What would people around the world think if Jesus were going to speak the next day at the Washington Monument? How would the world react? It was almost too much to think about.

I went down and got some more fliers and began handing them out at the light. I met Loyall and Kristina from Oakland driving in their car. The entire Oakland family was in Washington.

That night back at the Ambassador Hotel, where MFT was staying, we were gathered in the dining area to eat dinner. I saw Commander Hayashi and asked him what he was thinking about at the top of the monument. He was very surprised that I knew he had been up there, so I explained that I had gone up too and had seen him and called to him but he didn't hear me. He said he was thinking about God's history and that now our mission was to defeat Communism.

Then he asked me how old I was. I said 22, and he said I was still young. 

Washington Monument

1976.9.18
Washington Monument

I was really shocked when I got to the Mall and saw all the people. There were thousands in all directions. I knew right away this wasn't going to be the symbolic victory of Yankee Stadium. This was exactly what we had hoped and prayed and worked for. I suddenly felt my offering to God had been accepted. Even though I hadn't always made my goal over the past three months and had fallen short on many internal levels, I never gave up or lost faith, and that's the condition God needed. I knew that on a deep heartist level I had gotten victory. It felt really, really good to be there.

But for most of the day I didn't feel that way. I had no idea what would happen. All day I had replayed the disastrous events of Yankee Stadium over and over in my mind -- the storm, the booing and hissing, the near riot, the feeling of utter failure at the end. In my imagination I could easily envision those things happening again.

I had been dropped off at a bus stop in Bethesda, Maryland, early in the morning. It was one of the designated pickup points for people going to rally. But all my fundraising experience had taught me that these were not people who liked Father or the church. It was a rich, white neighborhood with large tidy homes and manicured lawns. Absolutely terrible fundraising area. The worst. I tried to have faith that God would move the hearts of even some of these people to come to the rally, but after six months of fundraising, 18 hours a day, seven days a week, I saw no reason to be optimistic that wealthy, white Americans were suddenly going to see the light.

I was right. Not one person came to my stop.

It was warm and bright and I had nothing to do but just sit there and wait. I had a terrible battle with sleep spirits all morning. Months of going on three or fours hours of sleep a night was catching up to me. I wanted so badly to lie down on the bench to take a nap. But I knew Satan would invade, so I fought back. I sang every song I knew. I stood by the shoulder and waved at passing cars while I held a poster with Father's picture and the words "Meet Us At The Monument."

The sight of Father's picture made people possessed. Housewives flipped me the bird. Little kids leaned out their car windows and booed. People kept threatening to run me over. In fact, one car pulled over to the shoulder, laid on the horn and floored it. I stepped out of the way, but the car swerved toward me and only barely missed me.

The elderly couple whose house I was standing in front of were very kind to me, however. I think they felt sorry for me, seeing how I was being treated. They offered me the use of their phone and bathroom. The woman even made me a sandwich at lunchtime and brought it out to me along with a glass of lemonade. I gave them some tickets to the rally. I doubt they came, but I won't forget their simple kindness. They were the one decent thing that happened to me all day at that godforsaken bus stop.

I hated being in a place where people hated Father so much and took it out on me, but it was my mission and I wasn't going to leave. MFT had taught me that no matter how hopeless our external circumstances may appear, only God knows what's truly happening on the cosmic level. I was going to faithfully play my role to the end.

I didn't get picked up until late and got to the rally about 7:30, right at the end of Father's speech. But it was okay with me. After not having a single person come to my bus stop and enduring nearly 12 hours of negativity, I was just happy to see all those people. Maybe they really came just to see the fireworks, but who cared? The important thing was they had witnessed the messiah speaking at his final public appearance. It was a historic moment whether folks realized it or not, and they will always be able to say they were there.

Tonight's fireworks were the most spectacular I had ever seen in my life. I watched the show with Poppy and other Oakland family members. It was a wonderful reunion, but sad too. So many people I had known and loved back in San Francisco had left the family or been kidnapped and deprogrammed. Even Mitch was gone. It was hard to believe.

My heart is getting seasoned to this type of bad news. It's clear to me now that staying is the hard choice. Leaving is easy. Who knows? I may yet have to go through the ordeal myself, though my parents have repeatedly assured me they won't have me kidnapped. Still, you can never trust Satan. 

My Day Off

1976.9.20

I sort of had the day off, which was very unusual. I'm used to being by myself a lot on MFT, but never without a "mission." So for once I was without any clear purpose or direction and I decided to go sightseeing around DC.

I spoke to the folks last night to tell them I was able to come visit for a day and see my grandfather, who had just suffered a heart attack, but they said it wasn't worth it for them to drive all the way from Dover to Washington just to see me for a few hours and then drive me back. They felt they needed at least a week to have all their questions answered. They were fairly negative and very confused.

I had called them right after we got back to the hotel from the victory celebration, which was at the park at Great Falls, Virginia, along the Potomac River just upriver from DC. We all gathered, several hundred MFT members, in one of the parking lots where the walking trail goes up to the dam.

Father was not able to come because Kim Il Sung had publicly threatened him and the security people advised Father to leave for New York as quickly as possible. However, Colonel Pak came in his place, which was almost as good because Colonel Pak was able to give testimony to True Parents, which he would not have been able to do if Father had been there and he was simply translating. It was unusual to see Colonel Pak in such a personal way. Usually he is translating for Father, so it was very interesting to hear his perspective on the rally.

Then Colonel Pak spoke directly about MFT. He said Father said all historical indemnity of the past 6,000 years, all the failures of the central figures in God's providence, had been indemnified by the victory at Washington Monument. So now we were in a special blessing period that would last 40 days, just like Pentecost after the Resurrection. God's spirit would pour down on us and all of our fundraising results would multiply. So it was Father's desire that we should all stay on MFT for at least the next 40 days.

I looked around and almost everyone seemed excited by this revelation that fundraising results would suddenly start pouring down like manna from heaven. It made my head spin. I thought back to some of my best days when I had made $300 or more and how for the next 40 days every day on MFT was going to be like that for everyone, only better. It seems entirely possible to me I could now make a $500 average or more. I can't wait to get started.

After Colonel Pak spoke, the national MFT was reorganized. Some new regions and new commanders were announced, and all the commanders were given new regions. Then the commanders announced the new team captains that would be coming to their regions, and then the team captains called out the names of all the members who would be on their teams. It was very exciting. Everything was completely reshuffled with all new people to get to know. I was assigned to a team that would be based in New Orleans.

But I wouldn't be driving with my new team to New Orleans. This morning I was given a special mission to first drive up to New York to pick up a new van and then drive it to New Orleans to meet up with my new team. I was waiting in the Ambassador Hotel for John Hessell so we could drive up to New York together, but then something came up, I don't know what.

Instead I was asked to help a brother named Joe, whom I'd never met or seen before, as he ran errands around DC with a short van. Joe, however, apparently had no idea what he was supposed to do or where to go. He just drove around the city aimlessly for most of the morning while I tried to nap in the very back seat. Already it was hot and humid and it was hard to sleep, and his driving was very herky-jerky and it was a struggle to keep from getting dumped on the floor every time he slammed on the brakes. So I laid back there with my eyes closed, my arm slung over the back of the seat to keep from flying off, and I listened to Joe mutter to himself as he drove around for a couple hours.

It gradually dawned on me that Joe was a "problem member." He was the kind of person who understood Principle and knew who Father was, but he couldn't do a frontline mission because he had some personal problems, and no one could really do anything to help him. So he was just sort of pushed to one side and given menial tasks to keep him busy and in the family, but that was about it. I don't know why someone thought it would be a good idea for me to waste my morning with him. I don't think we spoke three words.

Then Joe stopped the van and got out. I heard him pop the hood, and then he let loose with a string of swear words I didn't know existed.

I'd heard plenty of cussing in my life, and I had talked that way myself before the church, but in the year or so since I had joined, I had never heard any church member cuss, not even a "damn" or "hell." Nothing. Everyone knew Satan would invade that kind of foundation, but either Joe didn't know or didn't care or couldn't help it. The words that came out of his mouth were stunning. All I could do was lie there in shock. I think I may have stopped breathing, wondering if Satan would suddenly strike us both dead in some horrible manner. I don't think Joe even remembered I was there. I just prayed that we wouldn't get into an accident.

After wandering around in Joe's van for several hours and accomplishing absolutely nothing, I ended up back at the Ambassador Hotel. I was told it was now too late to drive to New York. No one seemed to care what I did, so I decided to take a walk and see the sights.

The first thing I did was go to the Deli Sun, a small delicatessen the church had opened nearby where they sold Korean barbecue. I'd had one of the bulgogi sandwiches when we first came to Washington, and it was so delicious I couldn't wait to try another. It was a bit expensive, but truly one of the most flavorful things I'd ever eaten.

After lunch I walked back to the monument and went to the top. This time I spent a long time looking all around, trying to take in and memorize every building and feature as far as I could see. I tried to imagine what the place had looked like when it was still a wild, swampy frontier along the river. From this height, it seemed I was looking down upon a miracle. I said a little prayer at the top of the Washington Monument, and then I went down.

My first stop was the visitors' center at the monument. I watched a movie called "Washington the Man," with George Washington portrayed by Lorne Greene. I thought it was excellent, using only Washington's own words. At one point Washington explained how the American troops endured incredible hardships, yet they never complained. I began to feel that God had given me a special mission after all -- to find the heart of our forefathers in preparation for the next 40 days on MFT.

Next I went to the Jefferson Memorial. There were some very inspiring inscriptions on the walls, but the greatest was engraved around the rotunda. It said: "I have sworn on the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny on the minds of men." I remembered Commander Hayashi saying our mission now is to defeat Communism. I felt I must be greater than Jefferson in my determination.

From there I went over to the Lincoln Memorial. On the walls were engraved The Gettysburg Address and his Second Inaugural Address. Both were very deep and serious, the words as true now as when they were spoken.

I looked around and had a choice of going to the Capitol or to the Kennedy Center. The Kennedy Center was closer and I was getting tired, so I walked over there. I found a series of abstract tapestries called "The Seven Days of Creation," which were very beautiful, but there were no inspiring words or inscriptions. I began to think I had made a mistake and should have gone to the Capitol. But it was getting late so I went back to the hotel.

As I write this, I am sitting at the gate of American Airlines at National Airport with a sister named Darlene Kelley. Darlene told me Lady Dr. Kim, who can see the spirit world, says Satan was crying and wailing in defeat because of our victory at Washington Monument. We are waiting for Commander Hiyashi to get to the airport, and then we will all fly down to New Orleans. I'm eager to join my new team and get back to work. 

Small World: Tulane University Edition

1976.10.5

I'm in New Orleans. Already so much has happened. I don't know if I can recall everything.

I am on a small team with a brand, spanking new captain, Christopher Rood. Yesterday a seller, today a captain. I should be a leader, but I haven't taken enough responsibility. Last night, Tony Scazzero, our sub-leader, said that I love people in the fallen world more than brothers and sisters. Of course it's true. I've focused all of my energy since I've been on MFT on having God's compassion for the people so they'll want to give. Tony's words were really judgmental and I felt so accused I could hardly fundraise.

It didn't help that I already feel accused by spirit world of not loving the people enough as it is. I know the spiritual benefit of them buying, but I've been failing them. Now Tony says I love brothers and sisters even less.

A few weeks ago I ran into Holly Baggett, the girl from Dover who came to dinner at the Washington Street center last year. I met her walking across the Tulane University Campus after I had gotten kicked out of the dorms for fundraising. She was pretty blown away. 

I Should Be Captain

1976.10.6

Today's is Gretchen's birthday, but I forgot to get a card. The days all run together. It's hard to keep up.

My new captain, Christopher Rood, is only eight months in the family and has been fundraising for three months. I feel very resentful that someone so young spiritually is now my central figure, but I know that's my fallen nature. My arrogance makes me want to disunite and dominate him. But I know God can only work through unity, that unity is the starting point of love, and it is true love that is our mission to restore and expand. Besides, I know that even if Christopher is wrong and I unite with his direction, HF will take care of the rest.

When I was in San Francisco I was very reluctant to go to New York and often thought I would refuse if they tried to send me. But after fundraising in Texas for a month with Matthew's flower team last November, I began to see the value of fundraising for spiritual growth, and I finally began to desire to be sent to New York.

I feel I am facing the same situation now. I have been content to be a seller and not so eager to be a captain. But I am beginning to see that now it is essential for my spiritual growth that I should seek to take more responsibility. 

You Can't Fight City Hall

1976.10.15

Today was a very difficult day. We had a terrible police problem in the town of Opalousas, Louisiana. Christoper dropped me and Michael Rendall there. We had been fundraising less than an hour before the cops picked us up.

The chief of police decided that there had been too many fundraisers and that we as a group came around too often. They held us up for a couple hours while they talked to the city judge. Finally they let us go like they were doing us a big favor.

We went over to city hall to check out the ordinance, but there wasn't one. Still, no one would give us permission. The mayor, the city attorney, the city judge -- all said it was up to the police chief. The chief knew about Father, so I suspect he was negative.

I would much rather fundraise that go through what I did today. I felt God's frustration. We never gained victory.

Our sister Roseanne came back today. She had left with just a note saying she was going to fast for seven days. So Commander said we had to make a prayer condition until she came back. The sisters have been struggling very much. Their course is so much more difficult since the fall came through Eve.